My Husband Expects Me to Be Home with Baby 24/7 While He Works and Has a Social Life: Advice?

QUESTION:

"How many stay-at-home moms have working husbands who come home to tap you out and spend the last couple hours hanging out with the kids and giving you a little break?

Whether it’s for you to take an uninterrupted bath, or send you for a massage or help clean up a bit or maybe just take the children on for the last couple hours before bedtime?

I’m so appreciative that I don’t have to work. And I’m not high maintenance (according to him), I don’t spend money on salons and getting my hair or nails or feet done, I don’t buy makeup or name brand clothes, I’m on Medicaid, and food stamps, and my daughter is on Medicaid too.

I get so many nice hands me down clothes for her (for free) from friends that wanna just give it to the next mom in need. He doesn’t pay my phone bill either. I just stopped breastfeeding her at two years old (about 3 weeks ago).

I don’t have a life, and my daughter is with me 24/7 since birth. He gives me an allowance of $150 a week. He keeps me out of his bank and goes out 5 times a week to play pool in bars.

He’s had more of a social life than I have since way before our daughter was born. We’re not wealthy and live in a crappy trailer. I don’t need fancy stuff but I’m just wondering why he thinks it’s more important that he has a social life and that I should be staying home 24/7."

RELATED QUESTION: How Can I Make My Husband Understand I Need His Help?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“No person should go out five nights a week without their other half. Kids or no kids. By all means, have your own friends and stuff but your away time should never be greater than your home time. Doesn’t he miss his kids? My husband is hands on the second he gets home. Sounds like something fishy like cheating. I’d talk if it doesn’t change, bye.”

“I’m sorry, an allowance? Are you a child? I would be doing my own thing, there’s no way I’m sitting up in a trailer 24/7 while my man goes out and lives his life and ignores his family at home and thinks it’s okay by providing me with an “allowance” that is the craziest thing I ever heard. I would be packing me and my child’s stuff and getting our own place.”

"So, aside from the $150, what do you get from him? Not even medical insurance apparently. Why do you need someone who doesn’t seem to care for you or his kids?..

… Did he not want children and is trying to escape? Do you know he is in fact going to the bar & not having an affair? Why are you putting up with this? How old are you? Do you have any family or friends who can help or has he isolated you? (This is a form of abuse.) What would happen if you got up before him on his day off & just left him alone with the kids for the next 24 hours? Leave him a note that it’s your turn to get out & then turn off your phone…

… See if you can get some online counseling to help your self-esteem, and start planning a life on your own. He will have to pay child support and take the kids on “his” days after divorce, usually one weekend night and every other weekend. If he keeps not taking them or not being a good dad while he has them, look up what you can do. Women’s centers have great info. Read up on what you need to do & see how to get him to pay for your divorce lawyer."

“Financial abuse is real and you don’t deserve to be a second rate person. Ever.”

“My husband isn’t a household chore kinda guy, but will gladly be home with the kids for me to have a night out with friends. Find some mom friends and take your daughter and go hang out! Don’t let him keep you trapped in the house.”

“You gave a long list of how you are not that expensive to upkeep monetarily. You have allowed it. And the answer is very simple. YOU MAKE THE CHANGE. Set money aside and make it so that you go out once a week alone. You can’t make him want to be home and you definitely don’t want to force him. Now, maybe in the beginning you both fulfilled a role, he works, you take care of the kids. But now, you’re evolving and you want to change your role. So change it. Don’t ask permission, you’re a grown adult, you simply make plans and leave. No comparing or telling him “you get to go out so I get to go out” tit for tat nonsense. Genuinely plan a night to go somewhere by yourself. See what his reaction is. Is he accepting? Because I can almost guarantee he will not be and then you can get to the real root of the problem in your marriage. You can pick up a per diem job and work only once a week. You need to decide what you want to do and make it happen but it begins with you and he will have no choice but to accommodate you.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

1 Like

He would be gone that is not a relationships. He wants to control you

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I would have left him, he sounds controlling.

2 Likes

He gives you an allowance? Yea, no. Leave, file for child support and spousal support and I bet your “allowance” from that is a lot more than you’re getting now.

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Take that $150, hire a babysitter and take yourself out to dinner with some friends once or twice a month.

20 Likes

I don’t get free time, my daughter is now 2 years old, my husband works and supports us, which is more than what I could even ask for, so I’m thankful about it. But he does spend time with his daughter and helps me take care of the house when I ask. So situation is different

Run im sorry but literally ruuunnnn he should be coming home to you and helping with whatever you may need he should be there to watch or keep an ear out for your child so you can shower or relax in the tub… if he wants a night out fine but you get a day or night out also and if he has money to go ot like that he has money to take better care of yall. He wants to be single so leave him the only thing he does is help financially so id go to government help and get on your feet. He needs to grow up

5 Likes

Financial abuse is real and you don’t deserve to be a second rate person. Ever

5 Likes

Ever since the pandemic happen and I work from home and do school and have become my kids secretary. So I have been with them 24/7 since march 18th (no ones counting lol) once my husband gets home i take a nap or have an hour to myself in my room and he goods dinner and finishes hw with the kids. It’s great to where we share responsibilities. He had to stay home once and said he couldn’t do it so he helps as much as he can. He should give you some time since I believe it’s so much worse to stay home now that I do it. When we both worked in the office we would take turns. It sucks he wont take your feelings into consideration. Momma needs a break too. If he is controlling money he’s trying to control you. Hang in there.

And i am a stay at home mom of a 4 yr old and 2 yr old my husband works full time and on call every other weekend but makes sure I dont get overwhelmed and im not pregnant with twins so he is helping a little more. Just 2 weeks ago him and his friend took all the kids ao me and his wife could go halloween shopping. There were times it was tough for us financially but he never went and blew money when i couldn’t even blow 10 dollars on our kid

2 Likes

It’s not gonna change… accept or move on.

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Wtf girl you need to kick him to the curb oh he’ll no why are you even putting up with that

2 Likes

Because you allow it. Change it.

4 Likes

Nope. Boy bye!! I do stay home with my kids 24-7. I virtual school my kids so they are home with me 24-7. Momma needs a break every now and then and that’s just what I’m getting tonight!!

Im a stay at home of 9 kids. Im always home with them bcuz my fiance works long hrs BUT he always helps me out if i need it. If i need to do shopping he hands me his card no problems. If anything take that $150 and get a babysitter for a few hrs and go do something. I recently started getting my nails done just to have time to myself.

3 Likes

No person should go out five nights a week without their other half. Kids or no kids. By all means have your own friends and stuff but your away time should never be greater than your home time. Doesn’t he miss his kids? My husband is hands on the second he gets home. Sounds like something fishy like cheating. I’d talk if it doesn’t change, bye

10 Likes

You need to get a job that’ll get you off state assistance and get you out of the house

Im sorry, but WHY is everyone’s first answer LEAVE???

She asked for ADVICE. Not to tell her something she obviously isn’t ready to do…

Here’s my two sense:

Im in a kinda similar situation, except I started my own business because I felt too scared and guilty to ask for money or help… so i FULLY support my baby and myself. Im also the ONLY one who cares for our baby… BUT, I recently got a bit of balls and communicated with him.

Here’s my advise, COMMUNICATE FIRST!

Sit him down, CALMLY tell him what you feel, see and need. Express that you will not be ok with how things are anymore and you need more.

Listen to his response, then go from there.

If he cannot listen or communicate, then think of your options.

If nothing changes, you’ll have your answer.

But things COULD change…

Try to communicate… you have no idea how weird it is when you DO NOT raise your voice to a man or threaten them with leaving constantly or when you are just calm. It freaks them out that you’re not being super emotional. They realize shit got real!!!

Sounds like he’s paying you $150 to be his babysitter and maid :thinking: doesn’t sound like a guy who wants to be your husband or your kid’s father. My husband keeps saying that if he could chose he’d rather spend time with our son than do anything else :sweat: I’m really sorry you’re in this situation

As a husband limiting bank accounts and giving you just an allowance is financially abuse

4 Likes