My Husband Expects Me to Cook and Clean Because I'm a SAHM: Advice?

QUESTION:

My hubby and I have 3 kids. He works, and I stay at home. He handles the money/bills/cash needs, and I usually handle food shopping.

I’m the mom that literally does everything from laundry for 7 people, cooking, all cleaning, bath, and bedtime, etc. It’s a lot for just me to do because he says his job is done for the day after work. I get he’s tired, but so am I, dude.

He is one of the firm ‘Believers’ that women have been doing everything for hundreds of years, and there’s no reason why we can’t continue to do it. We’ve gotten into a couple of good fights without it, and now he’s starting to help me more, which I have been noticing and has been helping me a little bit with my anxiety and stress, but I think he is becoming depressed because he has to help me.

Should I just suck it up and keep doing everything because he is the one who makes all the money and can’t afford to be depressed? Him being depressed causes a million more problems than it does when just I am.

I can still manage to keep my house and kids clean without turning to drugs or alcohol. It’s just in the state of healthwise I’m really not that healthy due to high anxiety and not eating or sleeping."

RELATED QUESTION: My Husband Refuses to Stay Home and Help with Our New Baby After I Had a C-Section: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t expect my husband to do anything on the weekdays but hang out with the kids after work. Weekends I will ask for help here and there but again my expectation is his time to be spent more with the kids than house stuff unless things are broken that I can’t/don’t want to deal with.”

“I work and my husband doesn’t right now. Yesterday I worked from 9 am to 8 pm, and rushed home to hug my baby. Normally I work till 5 or 6, when I get home I help with dinner, bath, bedtime, and my husband gets to finally relax and shower. It’s crazy that some people think it’s okay for a stay at home mom/dad’s job to never end, but theirs should. This is also coming from someone who works with kids all day, and I still can’t wait to go home and spend time with mine!”

“I stay home, and he works 7 am to 3 pm M-F so I also “work” 7 am to 3 pm M-F when he gets home WE BOTH cook dinner, clean up, tend to the baby, and get the kids to bed. I work while he works by taking care of the kids and helping with their schooling and running errands. So when he’s off work so am I, and we slip into our “off work” duties which are shared responsibilities of our home.”

“I’m a stay at home mom. I worked up until this past year. So I have been both ends. I have 2 kids, who just turned 3 and 1. And yes. I cook. Clean. Do laundry. Change and bathe the kids. Everything. My husband expects me to do these things because I do not work. And that is absolutely fair. But he does understand that I have off days where I don’t get as much done as others because I spend some days dedicating more time to playing with and teaching the kids. Also, I expect him to do a fair share in taking care of the kids because they’re his kids too. And I expect him to clean up after himself to a certain extent. These things need to healthily be established, compromised, and agreed to have a healthy marriage. And if you cant come to those teems between the 2 of you, perhaps counseling is the next step for you both.”

“I’m also home with the kids. We are a team though. He works hard every day making the money. I work hard every day maintaining the house, cooking, homeschooling, so many things. I make sure he is taken care of and supported. But he does the same for me. When I come to him and tell him I need a break, he gets the kids and I get a break. Sometimes I get behind on laundry so he picks up where I left it. These things happen both on weekends and when he gets home from work. It’s about teamwork. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job too and my partner respects that with affirmations and actions to support me. It shouldn’t be a burden to help your partner. You’re supposed to be a team.”

“Are you trying to say that your husband turns to drugs and alcohol because he has to help you around the house…”

“Depends… Is it his house too? His kids? Does he make laundry and dirty dishes? Just because he has an actual job title doesn’t mean your job is any less demanding… If not more. Throw the whole husband away and start again lol.”

“It’s his house and his kids also and he can help out when he’s not working. If that makes him depressed he has a lot of issues and needs to seek counseling.”

“I worked full time and took care of a family of 6 with minimal help and it was not a chore. I’m a mom, I just do it. I also didn’t find it hard personally.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

93 Likes

You guys need marriage counseling. There is a lot more going on than just not helping.

7 Likes

I leave my husband alone during the week but when the weekend rolls around it’s everyone helping and pitching in…I do also agree with a pp about underling issues as well I think before things really spiral you guys need to talk or seek help

2 Likes

Have him do your job for a week… I went through this with mine. 3 kids and his 91 year old mom.

1 Like

I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t expect my husband to do anything on the week days but hang out with the kids after work. Weekends I will ask for help here and there but again my expectation is his time to be spent more with the kids then house stuff unless things are broken that I can’t/don’t want to deal with

12 Likes

You all need to go seek marriage counseling. There are more issues here then what is on the surface.

3 Likes

Are you trying to say that your husband turns to drugs and alcohol because he has to help you around the house…

5 Likes

You both need to switch rolls for a solid week and he will then understand u do way more than he does

2 Likes

Just make sure you show your appreciation (beyond just a thank you) Parenting takes 2 parents no matter who brings in the $$$. I know I was a better WIFE when my husband was a better father, if you know what I mean?!?

1 Like

Ok. Unpopular opinion. If you knew he felt that way why did you have kids with him? He isnt going to change. You need to realize that and ask yourself if you can deal with it or leave.

Maybe he’s not depressed at all & just realising what your duties involve & finding it hard to express his apology or whatever.

So say his job is M-F 7-5 and then he’s off for the rest of the time…so when do you get your “time off”? If you are a couple married or not and you are raising kids together it is both of your jobs. Its just as hard staying home as it is having a job. They are both stressful. BUT you both have to help each other. Its team work. And you both have to take time off for date night with each other. That is very important too.

1 Like

I work and my husband doesn’t right now. Yesterday i worked 9am to 8pm, and rushed home to hug my baby. Normally i work till 5 or 6, when I get home i help with dinner, bath, bedtime, and my husband gets to finally relax and shower. It’s crazy that some people think it’s okay for a stay at home mom/dad’s job to never end, but theirs should. This is also coming from someone who works with kids all day, and i still can’t wait to go home and spend time with mine!

8 Likes

Think of it this way if you didnt have children would you be working, if yes ,he should be helping ,dont ever think ,hes making the money and your not ,you have a 24/7 ,365.days a year job and you dont get pay ,or sick leave, or holidays so dont feel guilty

17 Likes

My husband helps me with the kids, bathes, bedtime, school work etc. Now we both work but he works WAY more hours than me but he still helps even though he’s tired.

I’m a stay at home mom. I worked up until this past year. So I have been both ends. I have 2 kids, who just turned 3 and 1. And yes. I cook. Clean. Do laundry. Change and bathe the kids. Everything. My husband expects me to do these things because I do not work. And that is absolutely fair. But he does understand that I have off days where I dont get as much done as others because I spend some days dedicating more time to playing with and teaching the kids. Also I expect him to do a fair share in taking care of the kids because they’re his kids too. And I expect him to clean up after himself to a certain extent. These things need to healthily be established, compromised on and agreed to to have a healthy marriage. And if you cant come to those teems between the 2 of you, perhaps counseling is the next step for you both.

5 Likes

It’s his house and his kids also and he can help out when he’s not working. If that makes him depressed he has a lot of issues and needs to seek counseling.

4 Likes

He absolutely should help out, especially with the kids. They are his too, meaning his responsibility. I’ve been a sahm for 9 years and there’s been many times where I had lost my marbles completely due to exhaustion, physically, mentally and emotionally. We as mothers need support, maybe not the whole time but when we are overwhelmed. Otherwise we are no good to anybody. I do not expect my husband to do everything, but I expect him to give me a hand with shared responsibilities around the house. He also lives here and makes a mess. We’ve been together almost 11 years, marriage isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes its 60/40. Sometimes one needs more slack, more emotional support and given more help. It goes both ways. Hope you get this worked out and get some communication flowing. Good luck

1 Like

Depends… Is it his house too? His kids? Does he make laundry and dirty dishes? Just because he has an actual job title doesn’t mean your job is any less demanding… If not more. Throw the whole husband away and start again lol

3 Likes

He sounds like a jerk it’s his family too and he should help out once in awhile