My husband gets mad when my oldest gets something and his 8 year old doesn't: Thoughts?

I am looking for advice on a family issue. Background, I have an 11-year-old daughter from my first marriage, and my husband has an eight-year-old daughter from his. Together we have a four-year-old daughter. My husband drives me crazy because my 11 years old can’t do anything without either the eight-year-old doing it as well or my husband getting super pissed off. My 11-year-old has a sleepover with a friend on the weekend— my husband will flip out if the 8-year-old can’t do the same. My 11 year old finally matured to the point where we gave her a phone (very, very monitored and limited use), and now my husband won’t stop talking about how the 8-year-old needs a phone. I told him that she’s not ready for one yet, just like the oldest wasn’t at eight, and every single time, he snaps back with, “well, if her sister has one, then it’s only fair if she gets one”— y’all it’s exhausting. It is with everything. My 11-year-old can’t ever have anything special or to herself. It makes her mad, and I can’t say I blame her. Is there any way to make him see that he’s being a little ridiculous, or is it just a lost cause?

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I side with him, sorry.

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When the 8 year old turns 11 like her sister, she can get a phone. I think that’s pretty fair.

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Stand your ground. Younger siblings don’t need something simply because big sis has it. You two might need counseling to get on the same page.

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Wouldn’t you want your child from your first marriage to be treated just as fair as his child from a previous relationship? Favouritism isn’t cool, man!!

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To an extent, I side with him. The phone issue, the 8 year old should wait until she is older just like your child had to. So when your kid gets a car, the younger siblings should as well. Stand your ground on this and don’t give in.

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Just the way you worded your post, makes me feel like you feel some type of way towards the 8 yr old. I could be totally wrong, just the vibe I’m getting. Why can’t she have a sleepover if the 11 yr old can?

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Does he have older siblings he is/was jealous of? Sounds like he’s projecting his own feelings onto his daughter rather than trying to think about it logically.

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You treat them EQUALLY. Honestly you sound like the horrible step mother and she will see how you are treating her differently. You’re being the ridiculous one. If one gets new shoes so does the other. If one has a sleepover so does the other

I feel for this other child and hope the dad leaves you the way you are treating her different .

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An 8 yr old doesn’t need a phone and shouldn’t have a phone. Including her it activities and all sure but dude needs to chill. He needs to communicate with you about why how and when and you both need to collaborate and set boundaries or this is just going to escalate and y’all all are going to be mad at each out.

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I would explain to him, the 8 year old can wait until she’s the same age as the 11 year old to get the same things. With the sleepovers, maybe tell them one week one can and the next the other. Stand you ground, because it’s not fair to the 11 year old to just now be getting things and the 8 year old gets it at 8.

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With different ages come different privileges.

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When ur oldest has a sleepover have ur youngest have a friend over as well. Just so she doesn’t feel left out. And the whole phone thing I don’t think an 8 year old is ready for a phone then again I’ve seen so many young kids with phones :woman_facepalming:

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If your eldest had to wait until a certain age to be able to do or have any of these things then the 8 year old needs to wait as well. If hes talking whats fair and not it would be completely unfair to your eldest if the 8 year old doesn’t have to wait. As someone who dealt with such growing up, it will only make your eldest resent you both being as not making the other child wait like she had to shows favoritism. Whether you or dad see it as that or not

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Honestly u should maybe talk to him about uts an age thing instead of its ur daughter he might feel like his daughter being left out because she isnt bio urs not saying that’s the situation but he might be taking it that way I do agree that something you need to be more mature to have and maybe plan for her to have some special things to balance the difference like her having a sleeping over party she host but on difference nights

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He is going to turn the 8 year old into a brat and have a hell of a time with her as a teenager if he keeps this crap up. I thoroughly agree with the above. She can have the same things as the older child when she reaches that age. Period. Flip out on him and if he doesn’t like a dose of his own medicine, then you both need to sit down (maybe with a counselor even) and have a long discussion about this.

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Don’t treat kids differently. 8 to 11 is not that much difference in age.

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He needs to get with the program.

Big sis starts dating at 16, and does that mean lil sis gets to start dating at 13?

Kids mature differently. He needs to realize that

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I was not allowed to wear makeup until I was 13 (very limited) that was the age my older sisters were allowed to start wearing makeup. You are right he is wrong !!!

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Kids need to understand that life isn’t fair and just because one child has something that doesn’t mean they need one too. Your husband is being a little ridiculous and should understand that, his daughter is going to grow up entitled as hell with his logic.

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