My husband had an affair and I can't stop thinking about it: Advice?

I found out last March my husband of 17 years had been having a three-month affair with his work colleague, the next day, we went into lockdown; he got a new job (sept) and wanted to work it out with me. I knew a lot about the affair, he told me things I probably shouldn’t have asked, but now they’re stuck in my head, and one year later, everything has gone back to normal. For him, he’s happy, different headspace, etc. For me, it’s the same as it was. We’ve tried counseling, but he doesn’t want to keep bringing up the affair. I can’t go one day without thinking about his affair. It’s constantly on my mind. I sometimes look at him and love him, then the next second, I want him gone. I can’t keep living like this. He knows I feel like this but says all he can do is reassure me it won’t happen again .how do you get over an affair?

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If it was me I would just leave him

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You either fully forgive him and work it out or you move on.

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It’s ptsd based on infidelity.

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You need to go to counseling on your own and do cognitive therapy.

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It sounds like maybe counseling for just you would be helpful.

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I’ve had this happen and It doesn’t get better for the non cheater… you will always think about it and until you leave you will never live a normal life. You will live in hell… get out!

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Please listen to “not the worst mom”/ “not the worst marriage” podcast. My husband and I dealt with past infidelity when we were just dating and I had something similar to PTSD symptoms about it when we finally got our act together. My actions made it VERY difficult for us to move forward if I insisted on taking steps back. This woman/ couple is actually hilarious, but they’re also REAL and RAW. It’s a light hearted take on counseling and therapy, and I really hope it helps.

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you dont usually once a cheater always one so you will always wonder if he is no point in living like that

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Sounds like you probably need couples therapy. Just because he is over his cheating on you does not mean you need to be.

I don’t think you will ever get over it. Even with all the reassurance in the world it’s always going to be in your mind. Someone that you trusted destroys your heart. You should forgive him if he is truly remorseful though. But as far as fully trusting him ever again…you wont. But I am a firm believer that we are human and sometimes we make horrible mistakes. So if he loves you he won’t have any problem reassuring you everyday if that’s what you need :heart: and maybe with counseling, overtime you can work on these issues together. But honesty and communication is #1

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It is honestly so hard and all depends on your mindset. I found out my ex husband did and it messed me up mentally and the trust was gone, we did counseling individual and together and he did everything I asked him to (change number, email, he and her got fired from the job) I had access to his phone but I still couldn’t get over it. I stayed 3 years and the anger and resentment towards him just got worse.

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You need counseling. It probably also makes you mad that he can get over it when he was the one who messed up and you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re stuck. Go. To. Counseling.

Forgive but not forget. It will take some time. But if you can’t forgive him than a tomorrow will never bring a brighter day. To not forget is the lesson if it does happen again than u know there’s no more respect.

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U will never be at peace staying in that relationship. U will always question urself, ur worth. Trust me. Been there… U need out.

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Some never due not easy too get over most times once cheater will so again

The relationship CAN be rebuilt, but it takes a lot of time and effort. It’s easy to forgive, but you can never forget. I forgave, but I still can’t forget 8 years on

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Unfortunately it’s something that’s always gonna be there, It’ll be 11 years ago for me now and its something that hurt me more than i’ve ever been hurt in my life before and it still haunts me, I don’t dwell on it but every now and then something will be said that reminds me, I love my husband more than life itself but I do struggle in silence now and again, I generally don’t bring it up or talk about it but it’s always gonna be there for me, hope you can work it out xx

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I never understand how anyone can stay with a cheater. Once the trust is gone the relationship is over.

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You need counseling that’s what this is for to see if you can move past this. Some people can’t deep down you’re having a hard time forgiving the affair even though your trying to move on. You need to have someone to talk to about it in a constructive and healing way. Don’t feel bad for how you’re feeling it’s normal your trust was broken it’s the hardest thing to repair in a relationship. If you want to fix your marriage counseling is the best course of action, and he needs to go as well to see why he became unfaithful he has his own issues to work on as well. It would benefit you both.