I’m nine months pregnant, an army wife who has been with my SO for almost six years. We are high school sweethearts, we’ve been through thick and thin. My husband just got home a month ago from OSUT, and he’s leaving for nine months to train in Europe. It’s the longest we’ve ever been away, and the longest we’ve gone without constantly talking. He’s leaving a week before our baby is due. I’m 5-7 hours away from family, so I’m going back home the day he leaves to have my baby there. That way, I have a family member to watch our current child while I’m in labor and giving birth. Both sides of our families are back home. I’m not happy about him leaving, especially since it’s ONE WEEK before I’m due. I can basically already diagnose myself with PPD… I just got off Zoloft after being on for five months due to separation anxiety while he was in OSUT. Well, back to the problem. With our first child, my husband was with me during labor and delivery and so was my mother (my actual grandma but raised me since I was a baby) I didn’t want her in the room, but she snuck in while I was drugged up and I didn’t have the heart to tell her to leave, it was just whatever. She didn’t hold my leg right so I kept kicking out of her grasp, and she kept telling me to breathe, and I just didn’t want to hear shit, I was pushing a baby out, I just didn’t want to hear anything besides what medical staff had to say and what my husband was saying which was “one more push babe” (lies). Back to the present, I wasn’t prepared for my husband to leave, these were last-minute deployment orders, I was prepared to have my husband with me while I delivered our baby and his mother was to drive down to watch our child while I labored so he could be with me while I delivered. Since I have to go back home, I’m staying with his family since my family doesn’t have a good standing house, the environment is smoky and dusty, and I wouldn’t be able to live or sleep there comfortably and definitely not with a newborn baby. Did I mention roaches? Or that they have an old dog that sleeps wherever and is vicious and old, I won’t go inside unless he’s put up. So I’m staying with his parents and sister in the guest room. My mom assumed she would be in the room with me while I labored and delivered. I said no. I want to be alone. When I meet our baby for the first time, I’m going to cry, and I’m going to be extremely upset that we can’t share this moment together. I want that time to be alone to cry without feeling sympathetic eyes on me, to hold my baby and try giving her the love her father can’t because he’s not here right now. To tell her that daddy loves her and would do anything to be here to hold you and love on you, but for now, it’s just me. MOM : of course IM going to be there ME : I just don’t want anyone besides the nurses and doctor, I wasn’t prepared for this, I thought he would be here, and he would be the only person there for me MOM: you’re just saying that because you’re shocked, you’ll change your mind ME: no. I don’t want anyone; I need time to myself MOM: that’s a little selfish, just because he’s leaving doesn’t mean you need to shut everyone out I told her she could come after the baby was born. Her reasonings are that she’s been there for every baby, grandbaby and great grand baby’s birth, that I NEED someone there. Yes, I NEED nurses and doctors. Am I in the wrong for wanting to be alone? All I’m asking for is privacy. I’m the kind of person to shut people out temporarily, and I don’t regret it, I do it for my own sanity and to save others feelings. She doesn’t know what I’m going through; she’s never had her husband taken from her to leave the US for nine months for training RIGHT BEFORE HER DUE DATE. She says things like “I knew that was gonna happen, that he would leave right before the baby” “babies normally come 2 weeks before or 1 week after due date, always” she’s calling me selfish, saying I don’t appreciate any help I’m getting, mad I won’t stay at her unfit for living house, she’s still mad I didn’t hyphen my last name and just took my husbands “you’re going against tradition”. She’s telling me she NEEDS to go back to my new house with me cause there’s no way I can handle a toddler and a newborn. She talks down on my husband’s family basically because they’re clean, white, and have college educations with which they make good money. So I guess my question is… do I owe her the right to be in the room with me? Am I being selfish? Am I “acting out” because my husband is leaving? She’s gone as far as having my grandpa call me to try talking to me about it, and it’s making me hostile and angry, it makes me not want her around period, I don’t know if she feels entitled to this birth experience or WHAT.
Could your mother not FaceTime him? Maybe you will have the babe right before he leaves. Think positive. Some people don’t have any support at all🙋🏻♀️ I have no doubt it sucks your husband is leaving and will be gone for awhile. I couldn’t imagine. But maybe focus on the tiny positives
Ultimately it’s up to you but I do think you should at least have someone there with you. I understand your hurting that your husband won’t be able to be there but I do feel like your mom is right when she said you’re shutting people out in anger that he won’t be able to be there. I’d feel the same way though!!! Sending good vibes your way!!
You owe No One the Right to be in there with you!!!
Write out your birth plan, discuss it with your OB and every nurse that you come in contact with while in labor!!!
Good luck sweetheart!!! You got this!!
Get nurses to take pics of you and baby!!!
Nope, not if you don’t want her in there. It’s not about her. She had her time with her choice on delivery arrangements. Stick to your guns if you don’t want her there. And day of delivery make sure you’re clear with the nurses, they’ll keep her out.
Your baby, your rules. If you don’t want anyone there it’s your decision and no one else’s.
Can you not induce a week early as long as baby is healthy?
Sounds like you have your mind made up about not having her there. Regaurdless …shes human, shes not perfect but cut her a little slack …she just loves you &is lookin out for you in her own way.
It’s up to you but in all honesty why be alone for labor ? Why not record, FaceTime, or take pictures of that moment so he can feel as if he didn’t have to miss the whole event. Why not explain: “I’d like you there but this and this bothered me the last time and I’m more stressed now so can you tone it down a bit” … You are an adult so tell your mom why. Esp if you are under stress and alone and already assuming post partum depression will be present I believe you need all the help you can get.
You are NOT being selfish. Let the nurses know that you don’t want her in there and they can be the bad guy when the time comes. Focus on you and your baby
No, you are not being selfish. You’re going in to a very stressful, vulnerable situation under circumstances that make it even more stressful. You know what you need. Set a boundary and stick to it. She should be respecting your boundaries, not pushing you to do what she wants.
Get induced before your husband leaves
You could FaceTime into the delivery so he can be with you sorta?
I did my second completely alone only me I don’t regret a thing about it my first was a circus my second I did completely alone n my 3 my now husband was there I don’t regret a min of my second born the bonding you get from being alone I amazing I loved it good luck I would say no your not being selfish your doing what’s best for you which equals best for the babies and a unfit house is not best for your already born child so I would say what your doing is good it’s not about anyone but you the baby and the husband sorry no one is entitled to be in there but you not even your husband is entitled father or not that’s the truth
You dont owe anyone a right to be there. It is only up to you. If you dont want anyone there that’s perfectly fine. It will give you a wonderful 1 on 1 bonding and healing time with your precious baby. If you dont want people there then make it clear to them and also to the doctors and nurses that no one comes in! The doctors and nurses will make anyone that even tries to leave. Also you could possibly use a tablet or something and screen time while labor and delivery with your husband if that’s a possibility for you guys?
Request an induction. My dr was willing to go as early as 37 weeks with my second.
Why cant you be induced before he leaves, as long as baby is healthy?
I would ask doctor about inducing right before he leaves… maybe? They will at 39 weeks… besides that I highly suggest you see a therapist … you seem to be bordering some type of depression
You owe her nothing. It’s your baby, your precious time you will never get back. Do it your way that is going to make you happy. You being stressed out and worried about all that is obviously not good for the baby. Think of you and baby first but be prepared for her to be upset and possibly hold it against you for awhile. But if its gonna cost you your sanity put your foot down. Good luck to and baby
I agree with asking about an induction and not tell anyone until after baby’s born.
Sure, mom’s intentions are good but sometimes can be disguised as controlling. Don’t let anyine guilt trip you. If you don’t want anyone there, that’s your choice.