This past June, I had a miscarriage than in August I had another one. I was then tested for different conditions. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder by my OB. Today I had an appointment with my oncologist to follow on this new diagnosis. I feel hurt that I went alone to this appt. This appt was very important to me because I wanted to gather information on the risk of conceiving with this condition. My husband failed to go to the appointment or even asked what the doctor said. I am not sure how to move to pass this. I feel like I am alone with this condition, and I am feeling super confused on how to approach this with my husband. I have not been the same since being told about the autoimmune disorder. I am scared and angry that my life isn’t the same anymore. With that given said, how should I address this with my husband because right now I am really hurt by him. I am scared I will get resentful towards him. Thanks
Why wasn’t he able to go to the appointment with you?
Did you remind him? Sometimes men needs a reminder for things like this. Yes it sucks. If it was just me I would just sit down with him and explain how you are feeling. Also he maybe upset about it all and doesn’t know how to help. Or express his feelings. So just sit down and talk to him.
His world is being rocked just as hard as yours hun… Talk to your husband and communicate your needs if they aren’t being met but he’s grieving also, he’s probably scared and what if he’s just doing the best he can right now🤷♀️ You can’t expect him to read your mind and you can’t hold grudges over things you’ve never even told him. And try to go into this realizing that this isn’t only happening to you, it’s his life too.
Always be open and honest! Having a conversation about your health and your fertility is something I’d hope he be willing to have to with you. And letting know how you feel is most important
Im sorry you’re going through this.
But what was his reason for not going? I’m sure this is affecting him just as much as it is affecting you.
You need to sit down and talk to him about it.
I think hes still grieving and isnt ready to speak to you or the doctors about wanting to try again. Hes just not ready to move forward. Dont be hard on him. It’s his child too that was lost. Be gentle and kind and there for him. Just because your ready to try again doesnt mean he is.
Why did he not go? Seems like maybe you guys have a lack in communication? Like did he just watch you walk out the door and just stayed home, knowing how important it was to you for him to go? I would have no problem letting my husband know how I felt about. Before I even went by myself if he told me he wasn’t going to go and had no reason like work or something we would have probably had a fight lol. I feel like you need to talk to him about it. It shouldn’t be that hard to confront your partner about something they did that upset you or about how your feeling in general.
I completely understand where you are coming from and I would probably feel much like you if I were in that situation, but I am curious, how has your husband taken the miscarriages? The reason I ask is because maybe emotionally, he is scared. Or was afraid of the news you might have received from the doctor. He may not know how to deal or cope with everything either. Have you asked him about these things? I just don’t want to assume he doesn’t care, because odds are he cares a lot more than you know. Men deal with things differently. I would suggest going to a public or mutual location and discuss everything. You are more liable to not holler or yell or be harsh if there are others around. I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry for your losses.
I’m sorry about your losses. Did you actually ask him to come with you? I know it may sound silly, but I used to get mad at my husband for not doing things, except that he’s not a mind reader and has his own things on his mind. So if you didn’t specifically say that you needed him there, he may not have known how you felt about him coming with you. Either way communication is key, so you need to express how you feel before you become resentful.
I am severely disabled so this comes from experience.
You both are grieving. This is a traumatic event so you both need to grieve your old lives and figure out how to live with your new ones. I highly suggest at least marriage counseling, separate therapy for you both would be good too.
I feel for you. I have some sort of autoimmune disorder and i have yet to go find out what it is. Im beyond terrified. Its been 6 yrs im so scared to know. i don’t even have a doctor anymore.
Did you remind him? I know I have to remind my husband about appointments and things. He just doesn’t retain that information like I do. Maybe try talking to him about why he didn’t show up. Tell him it hurt you to go alone.
So my husband was like this as well. It hurt. It made me feel alone and like I was going to be doing everything without him while he worked… every guy is different. My husband is more of a worker than a thinker or a guy who would think about how I needed him at the appointments… he said money was more important to raise the baby and he would go to the important appointments. Unfortunately it’s not just the baby stuff he misses at times or fails to see my point of view… but that’s mine… that was his point of view
Did you ask, are you going with me? I find you have to absolutely tell husbands what you want or expect from them. I to have an autoimmune disease, most don’t understand these things unless we spell it out for them. Before you harbor bad feelings you need to talk him.
This is definitely your struggle, but he is apart of it too. My husband copes with issues different than I do. After we had our first daughter, he was adamant that we sit down and get on the same page. Really communicating with your partner and your feelings. If he was wanting children himself, he may be handling the losses in his own way.
Did you tell him you wanted him there or just assume he knew? What is his reason for missing? Maybe he is afraid of what they had to say, so that is why he didn’t go and hasn’t asked about it.
That is the only thing you can do. Tell him how you are feeling. Don’t hold anything back for his sake. You both are allowed to have different emotions and fears, but need to be on the same page as far as validating those differences.
Did he even know it was that important to you? Did you express your feelings to him before hand? Why didn’t he go? Was there reason?
Why are we making excuses for her husband. Yes he could and probably is grieving the miscarriages but this is her health. An autoimmune disease is on top of her miscarriages. Also the appointment was with a oncologist! She has to handle this and it shouldn’t be by herself. Yes by all means tell him how you feel.