My Husband Refuses to Stay Home and Help with Our New Baby After I Had a C-Section: Advice?

QUESTION:

"Hi, everyone. I’m looking for advice on what to do. I had a C-section over two weeks ago. My husband was off for two weeks’ paternity but choose to work 3 of the days for the sake of it.

At present, he works two days a week but normally works for others in-between similar to overtime. Having had a C-section and a toddler at home alongside now a newborn, we discussed him taking an extra week or two off. He agreed and then decided he wants to work.

So we agreed for him to work his two days for two weeks and nothing extra, so he can be at home and help me and with the toddler, as I cannot lift or do much yet. He agreed, then the next day decided he is working 4 days this week and a full week the following and not his normal hours - working from possibly 9 am to 9 pm for the full week.

He also refused to tell me about this as he knew it would annoy me. He expects other people to watch our toddler because he chooses to work rather than help out and thinks it’s acceptable, and when asked about this he said if I was at work other people would be watching our toddler this amount of time.

I’ve mentioned to him numerous times the past few days that we need his help, and that’s why we didn’t want him doing the extra days so he could help us but he refuses to care or listen. He thinks it’s acceptable for other people to help and look after us because he chooses not to as he would rather work for the day.

Money is not the problem here but he is saying it’s more money and wants to work - even though we do not need it!! I am at odds with what to do. I’ve asked him for help and he refuses to give it to us. What do you do when your husband cannot put you and your family as a priority when he knows this is the one time you need him?"

RELATED QUESTION: I Just Had a C-Section and My Husband Doesn’t Help Me With Anything: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“It really surprises me that all these ladies are saying it’s fine. If he can be there with you and help you he should. It also allows him to have bonding time with the new child. Who wouldn’t want to bond with their child?”

“I don’t see such a big problem with it. And just because you don’t NEED the money right now, doesn’t mean you don’t need it at all.”

“I had a C-section 13 days ago and my children’s father took near 2 weeks off without even telling me to help me with the kids. We’re not even in a relationship. Your husband is being really inconsiderate. I am still in pain from the invasive surgery to retrieve our child from my womb. I take Tylenol on the clock and have been told by my children’s father to take a nap whenever I need one lmao. For some reason, he’d rather be at work than home and that’s sus as hell. Talk to him and figure it out because you will become resentful of him for it.”

“Ok, so it seems like a lot of people on here are just telling you to suck it up. Um…no. If he doesn’t need to be at work and y’all are good financially, he needs to be home. I don’t care how much diapers are. I don’t care how much formula is. If you say you’re good financially, then you’re good that way. Y’all agreed on something and he didn’t follow through. That’s that. He obviously does not want to be home to help you, mentally and physically. Maybe on his day off, you need to hand off the kids and leave to go do something yourself. If you’re breastfeeding, pump and leave breast milk. You need to take a few hours to yourself, away from your kids and husband. But first and foremost, you need to tell your husband how you feel and discuss with him that he went back on what y’all said. And figure out why he did that. Does he not want to take care of the baby/toddler? Does he think you really need the money? Is he actually at work? Sit down with him and tell him that if he refuses to listen to you right after you BIRTHED HIS BABY, then he doesn’t deserve you. You deserve better than that.”

“I don’t have any advice. But I want to say I am sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are. I worked up until the week before I had a C-section with my last baby. I got a total of six hours of sleep in 3 days during my stay at the hospital, yes he was with me but didn’t lift a finger, slept all night as nothing had changed, the nurses helped me more than he did and after the first day of being home, I was on my feet doing house chores driving my other 3 children where they needed to go. I resumed my normal activity as if I hadn’t just had a c section because I had no choice (he had time off and he still did what he chose to do) which wasn’t helping me with anything. I went back to work after 4 months of being home and being the sole caretaker of my son. I wish I could say things changed but they didn’t and haven’t. It takes a toll on you and your relationship and I hope you don’t grow to resent your spouse. He should have helped and didn’t. All men should be more involved with their children. Some just aren’t. Best of luck.”

“My husband stayed home with me for three months after I had my C-section with our daughter! He is a very loving and caring man! If my husband did that, I would be highly upset too!”

“I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Having a baby is not easy and if she’s saying money isn’t an issue and they’ve discussed it then he did his own thing without telling her, that’s not okay. Hugs to you mama. I’m having a similar struggle right now, I work 2 jobs, 35 weeks pregnant, and have my toddler by myself and my husband doesn’t do anything when he’s at home. Maybe reach out for some support over the phone during the day? Or maybe counseling? Sometimes just having someone to vent and listen to you helps ease the mind. Prayers to you!”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

96 Likes

Eh. My husband only took a few days off with each child I had… I had 3, 18 months apart, and 23 months apart. I only actually needed help for a few days after, yeah it was difficult so times, but my husband needed to work. I didn’t need him home for a month.

7 Likes

I know people will hate me for this, but sounds like you’re better off without him. You got this momma!

11 Likes

To be fair. You should be moving around and what not after 2 weeks. I got out of the hospital walking 24 hours after both my c sections. Just take it easy. He needs to pay the bills somehow. Also when getting off the bed just roll not sit up :rofl::rofl:

25 Likes

I don’t see such a big problem with it. And just because you don’t NEED the money right now, doesn’t mean you don’t need it at all.

10 Likes

My husband only took 1 extra day off after we left the hospital after my c section. I was getting better day by day, and I know it sucks, but it’s not impossible. Plus, after 2 weeks I was back to almost normal. Some pain here and there, but I could do most of my normal things!

4 Likes

Men staying home do not feel useful or manly. Hate to say it that way but it is how they feel. He was home two weeks, that’s awesome many don’t stay home more than a day or two. I think that after two weeks you should be able to move around alot more. I had two c sections. I was told to not lift anymore than I normally had lifted. Its hard sometimes but you got this.

4 Likes

My husband always worked after I had our babies. I guess I’m old school & that’s what we did. There was no paternity leave then. I was up walking around 1 day after & just super tired. I don’t think most guys get it but I’d older folks just did what we had to do!!!

3 Likes

I had a few days with him and back to work he went. I was up and doing everything days later.

2 Likes

Don’t let these comments make you feel shitty. It is ok to NEED HELP AND ASK FOR IT!!! Maybe if he continues to insist ask for some help from family and friends?

I’m so happy for you that he got 2 weeks. My husband only got 3 days fmla. I can see both points of view but he’s ready to get back to it. Gotta pay the bills somehow. Is there anyway you can get help from a friend or relative? I’ve had 2 c sections but I have 6 living and 1 angel. I had to go back to normal everyday life regardless. I’m 4 month pp atm and feel really good since having my 2nd c-section. I think you got this. Don’t stress too much hon. Try to encourage your older child to be a big helper. Make it fun to help mommy. You got this.

2 Likes

My husband only stayed home for the 1st four days. It was scary & challenging at first but it gets easier. I’m so grateful for the hard work and long hours my husband puts in, on call 365 days a year 24/7. Holidays, birthdays it doesn’t matter. If there is work he goes. Because of him I am able to stay home with our babies and have everything we could need.
I feel like your husband is just doing what he feels is his responsibility, providing for his family. Taking that much time off can cause financial strain on anyone he may just be trying to ensure everything is taken care of.

2 Likes

My husband stayed home with me for three months after I had my c section with our daughter! He is a very loving and caring man! If my husband did that, I would be highly upset too!

7 Likes

I’d be upset if he COULD be there. Honestly I’d be livid. That being said, my ex-husband had to work after my c-section. I survived.

2 Likes

I know everyone is saying they don’t see a problem with it but I do. I was in the hospital for two weeks after my csection and could barely move. I am so thankful for my husband. He had to stay home with our daughter while I was in the hospital and when I got released he stayed home for an extra week to help me get adjusted to being home. If he wouldn’t have been there for me I probably would have been extremely disappointed in him. The moments during pregnancy and after are the most crucial for a relationship in my opinion. It makes or breaks it.

13 Likes

I’m currently pregnant with my 3rd due February 25 with a two year old and a 10 year old I don’t expect my husband to take off very long due to the fact he is the only one working be thankful for the time he has been able to take off because not all places give that option as far as I know my husband isn’t going to be able to take off probably more than a day or two so be thankful especially if he is the only one providing

I had 4 kids under 6 when I had my daughter c section. My husband didn’t have the option of getting time off. And no family to help. I had to move and take care of my kids. :smirk:

4 Likes

Men can get depressed after births too. Sit down and have a proper talk

1 Like

Jesus hes so self centred. To be honest I’d be gone. If he cant A do what’s agreed B put my health and the welfare of his kids first C do something I’ve asked when I’ve expressed I need reallly need his help I’d be gone. My husband took a month off 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holidays to help. Did I need it no not really after 2 weeks I was fine but it was nice to have support and he wanted to bond with his son too.

9 Likes

I’m sorry but all men are like this to a point. Let him provide for the family. I never had a c-section but I had hard births and severe back problems and the father of my children all went back to work to provide. :woman_shrugging: You will be ok just make sure your toddler understands you can’t hold them or sit on the floor and hold them is need be. I wasn’t able to lift my toddler after the birth of my daughter or hold my daughter without another adult there unless I was sitting because my body was still recovering from all the blood loss with my daughter. Her dad worked 2 days after I had her because he wanted and I survived without him.

1 Like