"Hi, everyone. I’m looking for advice on what to do. I had a C-section over two weeks ago. My husband was off for two weeks’ paternity but choose to work 3 of the days for the sake of it.
At present, he works two days a week but normally works for others in-between similar to overtime. Having had a C-section and a toddler at home alongside now a newborn, we discussed him taking an extra week or two off. He agreed and then decided he wants to work.
So we agreed for him to work his two days for two weeks and nothing extra, so he can be at home and help me and with the toddler, as I cannot lift or do much yet. He agreed, then the next day decided he is working 4 days this week and a full week the following and not his normal hours - working from possibly 9 am to 9 pm for the full week.
He also refused to tell me about this as he knew it would annoy me. He expects other people to watch our toddler because he chooses to work rather than help out and thinks it’s acceptable, and when asked about this he said if I was at work other people would be watching our toddler this amount of time.
I’ve mentioned to him numerous times the past few days that we need his help, and that’s why we didn’t want him doing the extra days so he could help us but he refuses to care or listen. He thinks it’s acceptable for other people to help and look after us because he chooses not to as he would rather work for the day.
Money is not the problem here but he is saying it’s more money and wants to work - even though we do not need it!! I am at odds with what to do. I’ve asked him for help and he refuses to give it to us. What do you do when your husband cannot put you and your family as a priority when he knows this is the one time you need him?"
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“It really surprises me that all these ladies are saying it’s fine. If he can be there with you and help you he should. It also allows him to have bonding time with the new child. Who wouldn’t want to bond with their child?”
“I don’t see such a big problem with it. And just because you don’t NEED the money right now, doesn’t mean you don’t need it at all.”
“I had a C-section 13 days ago and my children’s father took near 2 weeks off without even telling me to help me with the kids. We’re not even in a relationship. Your husband is being really inconsiderate. I am still in pain from the invasive surgery to retrieve our child from my womb. I take Tylenol on the clock and have been told by my children’s father to take a nap whenever I need one lmao. For some reason, he’d rather be at work than home and that’s sus as hell. Talk to him and figure it out because you will become resentful of him for it.”
“Ok, so it seems like a lot of people on here are just telling you to suck it up. Um…no. If he doesn’t need to be at work and y’all are good financially, he needs to be home. I don’t care how much diapers are. I don’t care how much formula is. If you say you’re good financially, then you’re good that way. Y’all agreed on something and he didn’t follow through. That’s that. He obviously does not want to be home to help you, mentally and physically. Maybe on his day off, you need to hand off the kids and leave to go do something yourself. If you’re breastfeeding, pump and leave breast milk. You need to take a few hours to yourself, away from your kids and husband. But first and foremost, you need to tell your husband how you feel and discuss with him that he went back on what y’all said. And figure out why he did that. Does he not want to take care of the baby/toddler? Does he think you really need the money? Is he actually at work? Sit down with him and tell him that if he refuses to listen to you right after you BIRTHED HIS BABY, then he doesn’t deserve you. You deserve better than that.”
“I don’t have any advice. But I want to say I am sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are. I worked up until the week before I had a C-section with my last baby. I got a total of six hours of sleep in 3 days during my stay at the hospital, yes he was with me but didn’t lift a finger, slept all night as nothing had changed, the nurses helped me more than he did and after the first day of being home, I was on my feet doing house chores driving my other 3 children where they needed to go. I resumed my normal activity as if I hadn’t just had a c section because I had no choice (he had time off and he still did what he chose to do) which wasn’t helping me with anything. I went back to work after 4 months of being home and being the sole caretaker of my son. I wish I could say things changed but they didn’t and haven’t. It takes a toll on you and your relationship and I hope you don’t grow to resent your spouse. He should have helped and didn’t. All men should be more involved with their children. Some just aren’t. Best of luck.”
“My husband stayed home with me for three months after I had my C-section with our daughter! He is a very loving and caring man! If my husband did that, I would be highly upset too!”
“I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Having a baby is not easy and if she’s saying money isn’t an issue and they’ve discussed it then he did his own thing without telling her, that’s not okay. Hugs to you mama. I’m having a similar struggle right now, I work 2 jobs, 35 weeks pregnant, and have my toddler by myself and my husband doesn’t do anything when he’s at home. Maybe reach out for some support over the phone during the day? Or maybe counseling? Sometimes just having someone to vent and listen to you helps ease the mind. Prayers to you!”
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