My Husband Thinks I Don't Want Him Sexually, But I Do: Advice?

QUESTION:

"So my husband doesn’t think I’m interested in him anymore because we haven’t done anything in like two weeks. But I am.

I’ve just been busy working two jobs and helping him with our three kids. He says there’s nothing I can do to change his mind, and he’ll just deal with it. What should I do?"

RELATED QUESTION: I feel like my husband and I are growing apart: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“Sounds like shifting blame, and gaslighting comes next!”

“That last statement sounds like he has some toxic behavior. That’s gross.”

“He seems a bit melodramatic, but let’s not forget men have insecurities too. He may really feel as if you’re no longer interested if you’re not being affectionate with him as well. I would definitely sit down and have a talk with him. Explain to him that you’re very tired and ask him for more help around the house so that you can have more energy to have sex. Try putting yourself in his position, how would you feel if you were wanting to love on him only to be brushed off? It is discouraging and would make someone feel as if their SO wasn’t interested in them. I see a lot of women on here saying it’s gaslighting. It kind of makes me think they don’t know what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is intentionally doing something and then lying to the victim to make them question their sanity. This is not gaslighting at all. Please don’t pay mind to those stating it’s gaslighting. Men get in their feelings too.”

“It seems like his act of love is physical touch. He’s doing it kind of wrong but he’s communicating he’s not getting feelings of love from you. I mean when you’re relaxing with him but not in the mood do you cuddle? Hold hands? Take a bath together if it’s an option? What’s your act of love? Does he do that stuff? I think y’all need to sit down and learn a bit about each other.”

“Plan a date and surprise him with a night of just you guys (if possible for you) or put the kids down for bed early one night and do a date night at home. Show some extra affection. Random kisses make his favorite food. Pamper him a little bit. Sounds like he’s getting depressed and isolating himself a little. Show him you still love him and care about him.”

“Tell him you two need to set aside time for your relationship, dinner, movie on the couch. But just time for you two, maybe on Wednesdays the kids go to bed early and you two eat a special meal alone. Or get a babysitter and go out.”

“If you’re working two jobs while being a mother and doing your responsibities as a wife and partner, why would he even think that way? It’s not easy to be working two jobs & also being there for the kids & him so maybe you should discuss this with him. If he’s the one who refuses to get into a heart to heart conversation, that would mean he is being selfish.”

“You are both adults, so act like it and sit down and have an adult conversation about it.”

“I agree with most of the other comments. He seems to be shifting the blame. What has he done to help you? Anything at all? Has he even tried to get intimate? Has he even tried to just sit with you for 5 minutes and just hug? Why is it your job to initiate everything? Is the “helping” with his kids? And by helping, I mean taking care of them as he should. Are you both doing equal amounts of work at home or are you doing it all? Men don’t realize that it takes a toll to work a full-time job or two jobs, and then come home and take care of EVERYTHING. If I were you I would talk to him. Don’t give in and just give him sex because he’s whining like a baby. Show him you care, yes, but let him show you he cares as well.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

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Tell him you two need to set aside time for your relationship, dinner, movie on the couch. But just time for you two, maybe on Wednesdays the kids go to bed early and you two eat a special meal alone. Or get a babysitter and go out

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Do at home dates, explain to him your schedule and then plan dates around it. When you say you haven’t done anything do you mean intercourse? If so tell him there is more to relationships than that.

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That last statement sounds like he has some toxic behavior. That’s gross.

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How long have you been married?

This came across as a red flag for gaslighting and building a foundation for blaming you for when he cheats. Honestly let him go. If a man loves you 2 weeks without sex should not make him want to leave but discuss reconnecting with each other to improve the relationship not jump to conclusions you don’t want him. Take care of you. You’re worth more than being told 2 weeks without intercourse means you don’t love me.

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Sounds like he is considering cheating, yet not understanding why y’all haven’t done it. Start getting in frequent quickies

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You two need to sit down and talk about it. Tell him to hear you, to really hear you, tell him to put himself in your shoes and then he can tell you about how he feels, put yourself in his shoes. Then try to fix it. Make a schedule for the kids to give you two some time alone in the bedroom, or even at night try to make sure they go to bed early so you and your husband can spend some quality time together. Text him loving things and how much you appreciate him. Etc. Saving your relationship is not impossible, it just takes change.

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If he’s saying there’s nothing you can do to change his mind then there’s not 🤷🏻 to me it honestly sounds as if he is the one who has lost interest and that’s why there’s no hope in a shift of thought but he’s putting the blame on you.

Still try a dinner/movie night or just something you both like to do. If nothing changes then try counseling if you can find a time to fit it in your schedule and can afford it

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It seems like his act of love is physical touch. He’s doing it kind of wrong but he’s communicating he’s not getting feelings of love from you. I mean when you’re relaxing with him but not in the mood do you cuddle? Hold hands? Take a bath together if it’s an option? What’s your act of love? Does he do that stuff? I think y’all need to sit down and learn a bit about each other

3 Likes

I agree with most of the other comments. He seems to be shifting the blame. What has he done to help you? Anything at all? Has he even tried to get intimate? Has he even tried to just sit with you for 5 minutes and just hug? Why is it your job to initiate everything? Is he “helping” with is kids? And by helping, I mean taking care of them like he should. Are you both doing equal amounts of work at home or are you doing it all? Men don’t realize that it takes a toll to work a full time job, or two jobs, and then come home and take care of EVERYTHING. If I were you I would talk to him. Don’t give in and just give him sex because he’s whining like a baby. Show him you care, yes, but let him show you he cares as well.

4 Likes

WTH? When did all of you become psychologists?!

My libido is definitely higher than DHs, and DH has experienced what you’re experiencing. I’ve expressed feeling like my DH doesn’t want me anymore, to my DH. And I’ve NEVER ONCE considered cheating on my husband. Y’all aren’t helping at all, and are probably making this poor lady feel even more uncomfortable with the whole situation.

Life is hard. Kids are stressful. Sometimes 2 people fall out of sync. Sit down with him, talk, plan date nights. Hell… plan your “encounters” if necessary. It’s important for both of you to feel comfortable with the intimacy in your relationship. Make your relationship your priority. It’s the foundation of your home. :heart:

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Ask him what’s REALLY going on with him & start marriage counseling.

Hes a human and has needs that need to be met :woman_shrugging: imo … him talking about what hes not receiving isnt a stepping stone to cheating tho
He probably could have worded it better but what man is fluent in their wording 100% of the time
I say make the time to make him feel wanted/special plan ahead surprise him something so he knows he was heard

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Sounds like he could help out with everything more and not be so selfish … Time to grow up

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He seems a bit mellow dramatic, but let’s not forget men have insecurities too. He may really feel as if youre no longer interested if youre not being affectionate with him as well. I would definitely sit down and have a talk with him. Explain to him that youre very tired and ask him for more help around the house so that you can have more energy to have sex. Try putting yourself in his position, how would you feel if you were wanting to love on him only to be brushed off? It is discouraging and would make someone feel as if their SO wasn’t interested in them. I see a lot of women on here saying it’s gaslighting…it kind of makes me think they don’t know what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is intentionally doing something and then lying to the victim to make them question their sanity. This is not gaslighting at all. Please dont pay mind to those stating it’s gaslighting. Men get in their feelings too

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Try having days nights and scheduled sex nights too. Its easy to get wrapped up in life with kids and work and taking care of the house but make time for eachother even if you have to schedule it

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Even if u don’t feel like being physically intimate with him do it anyways…you may b tired or stressed but do it anyways…that might b how he feels loved is being physical…people have different love languages

Don’t just have sex. Set aside a special night and make it romantic. Forget all your stress and remind yourself why you married him. Never stop dating the man you marry. Be intimate in more ways than one

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You are both adults, so act like it and sit down and have an adult conversation about it.

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