My MIL constantly asks for money from us: How do I approach my husband about this?

My MIL always asks my husband for help. In the past, she’s asked him to help her with bills, food, etc. We recently bought her food & when we dropped them off, she immediately asked him, “can I have some money?” I give her information about places that can help her with bills, food, etc. & she gives every excuse to not sign up for the assistance. I feel as if she would rather just ask my husband for things than to find a way herself. In my opinion, she is not smart about her financial decisions & does not put her priorities first. She will throw “get-togethers” and spend her last on it. The food we bought her was quickly gone due to these get-togethers. Even after we told her to be smart with it. I’m extremely frustrated because we just moved & still have things we need to get for our home. After I had my last born, she had/still has health issues (which she sees multiple doctors, multiple times a month) & needs someone to be available for the appointments. We decided I become a SAHM. So financially, we get by, but we have to be smart about it. My husband frequently talks about finances and how he wants us to not live paycheck to paycheck & be financially stable… & I started looking for jobs I can do while at home to start helping relieve the stress of supporting our family by myself. However, I find it unfair that we have to bust our behinds to provide the lifestyle we want for our family & his mom can easily just ask & he will always give. We have had talks in the past about how if he doesn’t have it to do, then he needs to learn to tell her that. He will agree, but when it comes time to do so, he always says, “that’s my mom” & helps her. Recently, she was blowing up his phone when he was getting sleep before work & when he answered she goes “my tire is flat, I need new tires” I’m assuming she is expecting him to pay for that. He doesn’t know I heard the conversation (I was lying next to him). Idk if I should bring it up & tell him we don’t have it to do, or if I should just see what he does on his own. We just got caught up on our bills from him being laid off from Covid & both of our cars need oil changes/tires/etc also. I feel like she doesn’t care we have children to take care of & other responsibilities & relies so much on others to take care of her wants/needs. There were a few instances where we asked her to watch the kids for a few hours & she will immediately ask “am I getting paid?” & it upsets me because those are her grandkids & she should want to spend time with them & not have to be “paid” to spend time with them. (Just to help with the opinions, She does not work, she lives with my FIL who doesn’t really help her with anything)

41 Likes

This will never stop if you don’t set the boundary. Just tell her you guys cannot afford it anymore, you have your own family to support. Your children should not be going without because you lack boundaries. She is taking advantage of your kindness.

42 Likes

Let him help his mother

18 Likes

Wait…so she is married and her husband, your FIL, doesn’t fulfill his husband duties?! Did I read that wrong?

But helping here and there is.fine.but it sounds like she has taken advantage of you guys and she comes first. You need to seriously sit down and talk to your husband about this. Its never going to change and if you are living paycheck to paycheck you can’t afford to keep helping her. Your kids needs should come first

16 Likes

You need to set up boundaries and FAST. Yes that’s his mother, buts she’s clearly taking advantage of both of you. Hell no :-1:t3:

17 Likes

You need to get on top of this ASAP! Speak to your husband and make him realise that his children and their upbringing is what he needs to prioritise. Put her into your budget on a monthly basis if you have to and just stick to it, if she spends it all then than that’s her problem. She’s a grown woman! My guilt would eat me up if I ever had to take from my children.:pensive:

6 Likes

At first I wanted to be all like “let him help his mom she brought him into this world” but as a mother I would just want my kids to be able to provide for there family and I would do anything to not have to burden them with helping me bc it sounds like ur MIL isn’t helping herself so I would put my foot down bc it sounds like she is just using yall!

12 Likes

If your now the one bringing in the money…dont let him have access to it and draw the line that she has to fend for herself…shes a grown ass woman …you need to look after your family…your kids yourself and your partner…you cant keep giving her money she clearly doesn’t appreciate anything you guys do

Husband needs to set boundaries. You are not her bank.

13 Likes

It’s even in the Bible that when a man marries he’s to leave his parents and cleave to his wife.
You’re now his #1 priority and if he’s to help his mom then it needs to be a decision both of you make.

25 Likes

It damn sure wouldn’t be me. Your husband needs a wake up call. His mom’s man is responsible for her needs, not you. Gifts, treats, yes. But not EVERYTHING that you mentioned. Yes that’s his Mom, but she’s not his child or wife

Sounds like to me he needs to talk to his father about why he’s not helping your mother :woman_shrugging:t2:

18 Likes

That sucks! Helping mom isn’t a bad thing but if it’s infringing that much then it’s an issue. Have her get on food stamps. Help her apply. Discuss with your husband. I’m sure it’s a tough position for him. 51% chance you’ll get divorced but his mother will always be his mother. Maybe it’s time to cut back on the finances and let it be known that y’all are struggling even if you’re not. Good luck

1 Like

Tell her that the only way you can help her is if she goes with you to Social Security and makes one of you her payee. You will pay her bills, give her an allowance and buy her groceries, and take her to appointments. Explain to her that with only one of you working the other at home with the kids you cannot stretch your budget to include her too, that this is the only way you can help her by setting her up with a budget.

13 Likes

I am the opposite, I live on $692 a month and cut things back as far as I can.my kids and grandkids keep telling me if I need anything just tell them,I keep telling them I will be ok, but when they come to visit I will find money laying around the house somewhere that they left for me,they said they do that , because I might need something and I raised them right. if I do really need anything I will ask them. I just wanted you to know not all mil’s are not the same.my one sil even mailed me $200. So I would have Christmas money,

18 Likes

Help her sign up there is assistants that help with bills and food. Especially with Covid there are many resources. Tell her she needs to do it and you can’t afford to give her money. Simple. Look up Covid resources they help A LOT

5 Likes

Honestly it doesn’t ever go away. Hes a mamas boy and unfortunately will always tend to her hand and foot from my experience. Mine put a $3000 down payment on her car because she needed a vehicle but somehow that was our responsibility to get her one. Everything of hers gets fixed on a dime. Today her alternator went out, guess what was fixed tonight while ive had a check engine light for months and brake light out for weeks. Guess ill be fixing them myself.
Nip it in the butt now if you can. They may not go away compltely but it may get a little better than it was.

12 Likes

Helping out is one thing but when its expected and think asking to be paid for minding your grandchildren is wrong! Maybe if it was every day while yous work then she may have a point. She knows you guys will always help out so unless you set boundaries it will continue. Offer to go with her for help, food banks etc. If shes just being silly with the money talk to your husband about just giving food parcels if shes stuck but not money. She shouldn’t be so selfish when yous have a family. She needs to seek help

5 Likes

Helping every once is one thing. But it sounds like she’s just doesn’t wanna adult herself. My mom does that and I just don’t want to do with her.

But she needs to try on her own and it doesn’t sound like she is.

3 Likes

You need to get your husband into counseling. He needs to learn to stand up for himself, stop caving in to his mom and put his nuclear family first, especially since you don’t have it to give. You are already rearranging your life to take her to doctors appointments. Ask MIL how much money she gave her mother over the years and who paid for her mother’s dinner parties. Unfortunately the problem isn’t your MIL, it’s your husband.

3 Likes