My mom and I aren't as close since I have my second child: Thoughts?

Just looking to vent but also open to opinions and suggestions. I feel like my relationship with my mom went from super close to non existent within the last year and half and I have no idea why or what happened! Growing up me and her were like best friends & Before having kids she was so excited for me and my husband to start “giving her grandkids” she would say that all the time. When I got pregnant with my first child she was super excited and me and her did a lot together. We would go baby shopping, have lunch, just hang out often and she was so excited to become a grandmother. When I had my son she was my biggest support system. Our first week home from the hospital she made me 3 days worth of meals so I could take it easy. She came to see the baby every day for a while. She would offer to help me around my house etc… as my son grew, they had a super close relationship. I used to say they were obsessed with each other! Then I got pregnant with my second, and she remained close with my son through my pregnancy, but I think it was after I had the baby things changed. When I had my daughter (our second child) she never seemed as excited as when I had my son. She was not around to offer support as she did with my son. Not that I expected her to, I know she does not have to cater to me the way she did, I just thought it was really nice and hoped she might help again with my second, She didn’t though. There were no prepared meals or offering to help; She didn’t even come over to see my babies. I’d occasionally go to her house, and she never seemed interested in my daughter the way she was with my son. I didn’t feel close to her anymore; I actually felt like she avoided being around us. Last October at a family gathering I called her out (privately, just me and her) about favoring my son and never even trying to be close with my daughter. She got pissed and told me I hurt her feelings. I’d say since then, things have gotten even worse. She avoids ever spending time with me or the kids, she used to invite us places with her, offer to babysit and would always beg to keep my son overnight. I’m not the type of mom that likes leaving my kids and especially not overnight! I oftentimes didn’t take her up on that, but when I needed a babysitter, she’d be there. I’m also not the type to trust anyone with my kids. Her or my dad is all I would trust to babysit. Now, if I were to need a babysitter, it’s like a big ordeal basically would have to beg her to watch my kids. I and she just aren’t close at all anymore, and she barely sees my kids. Now all of a sudden, she is super close to my cousin, who is the same age as me. She does EVERYTHING with my cousin and her husband. They spend every single weekend together, and they talk and text every day. I hate to feel jealousy over that, but it seriously hurts my feelings! I feel like she was just looking to replace me, and I don’t know what I ever did to make her not want to be around us anymore.Just looking to vent but also open to opinions and suggestions. I feel like my relationship with my mom went from super close to nonexistent within the last year and a half, and I have no idea why or what happened! Growing up, I and she was like best friends & Before having kids, she was so excited for my husband and me to start “giving her grandkids” she would say that all the time. When I got pregnant with my first child, she was super excited, and I and he did a lot together. We would go baby shopping, have lunch, just hang out often, and she was so excited to become a grandmother. When I had my son, she was my biggest support system. Our first week home from the hospital, she made me three days worth of meals so I could take it easy. She came to see the baby every day for a while. She would offer to help me around my house etc… as my son grew, they had a super close relationship. I used to say they were obsessed with each other! Then I got pregnant with my second, and she remained close with my son through my pregnancy, but I think it was after I had the baby things changed. When I had my daughter (our second child), she never seemed as excited as when I had my son. She was not around to offer support as she did with my son. Not that I expected her to, I know she does not have to cater to me the way she did, I just thought it was really nice and hoped she might help again with my second, She didn’t though. There were no prepared meals or offering to help; She didn’t even come over to see my babies. I’d occasionally go to her house, and she never seemed interested in my daughter the way she was with my son. I didn’t feel close to her anymore; I actually felt like she avoided being around us. Last October at a family gathering, I called her out (privately, just me and her) about favoring my son and never even trying to be close with my daughter. She got pissed and told me I hurt her feelings. I’d say since then, things have gotten even worse. She avoids ever spending time with me or the kids, she used to invite us places with her, offer to babysit and would always beg to keep my son overnight. I’m not the type of mom that likes leaving my kids and especially not overnight! I oftentimes didn’t take her up on that, but when I needed a babysitter, she’d be there. I’m also not the type to trust anyone with my kids. Her or my dad is all I would trust to babysit. Now, if I were to need a babysitter, it’s like a big ordeal basically would have to beg her to watch my kids. She and I just aren’t close at all anymore, and she barely sees my kids. Now all of a sudden, she is super close to my cousin, who is the same age as me. She does EVERYTHING with my cousin and her husband. They spend every single weekend together, and they talk and text every day. I hate to feel jealousy over that, but it seriously hurts my feelings! I feel like she was just looking to replace me, and I don’t know what I ever did to make her not want to be around us anymore.

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why is this posted twice in one post?

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Wow but u double shared the entire story i was ready to quit why don’t u invite her out & offer to do something for her & see how that works

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I’m so sorry to read this,what a horrible way to feel.Why not write all this down in a letter for her?It’s easier sometimes to convey our feelings this way and it also prevents it becoming a big argument.There might be issues from her point of view your no aware of.I hope you get stuff sorted xx

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Sounds like jealousy.

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What happened ? Someone maybe husband said something to mom. Also she could be ill. Best to investigate more as moms never stop loving their children. We may need space but love is there.

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Some times moms have issues while good things happening to you.Did u even care??

Girl grow up as a gran ma myself we love all the grandkids but that first one is the star we love all our kids do not take it personal you will be one one day an you will get it then sorry you feel hurt it will be ok soon hope I help you with my advice

Wow! So very sad for you and her too. Have you talked to your dad or siblings or her siblings about this? They may be able to offer you some insight about her change of behavior. If you offended her in some way they should know. Has her demeanor changed in other relationships too? If so she may have some type of physical or mental duress that you are the family are unaware of. As a mother and grandmother I can’t imagine what would cause me to turn my back on my daughter and granddaughter. Try to not say or do anything you might regret I the future. All you can do is reach out to her and let her know you miss the relationship you had and still want her to be part of you and you children’s life. As another comment above said a letter may be a good way to do this. That way you can compose your thoughts without being under pressure of being in the moment. And she can read and process without having to respond. I wish you the best of luck.:heartbeat:

As a mother of 2 myself and not having my mom around when I was a child, but raised another mans children, I can kinda feel your pain.
Others will call it jealousy, but to me, it sounds like you’re grieving the loss of relationship between the two of you.
If you’re interested in saving the relationship, maybe you should sit down, just the two of you and explain your feelings and if that doesn’t work, write her a letter and send it to her. Don’t be harsh with her, just tell her how all of this makes you feel. She’s your mom and she loves you, maybe there has been some miscommunication or something was said to her without your knowledge. Good luck to you.

As the Beatles would say, Let It Be. Acknowledge that things are what they are. You’ll find other sources of support… look online in your community for mom groups. Lifelong friendships happen with some people as a result of sharing your experiences… you’re going to have a lot in common with other moms. Exchanging childcare comes as a bonus.
Grandparent-hood doesn’t come with instructions. She gets to approach it however she chooses. Your cousin may have issues you don’t know about. Take it at face value. Adjust. Let go of your expectations. Enjoy your children.

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My opinion is your Mom started feeling that you were using her and not really appreciating and reciprocating all she was doing. Maybe she wants to spend time with you with no expectations for babysitting etc. I felt like this after more grandkids started coming

My daughter did the exact same thing…I helped her imensly during her first pregnancy…I was so happy! We went baby shopping, out to eat…then after the baby…I was a proud NANA! I did everything in my power to help ease her into her new normal. Me and my granddaughter are super close too…but she got pregnant again. See with the first she refused to get a job. She refused to take care of mommy stuff. Stuff that was HER responsibility. So she just sat back and watched me do everything. She watched me struggle as well. I have health problems. When I had a major surgery, she would even come see me. She lives with her dad’s parents so she had a babysitter. She expected me to do everything. So I stepped back a bit with her second child, whole I love so very much.I couldn’t repeatedly buy diapers, wet wipes, formula, cloths, cab money to and from drs ( sometimes two or three times in one day)And other places. I was barely keeping my head above water myself. But it was pretty clear she didn’t care. So if it’s something like this I understand. It’s way worse now. I simply can’t afford to raise her kids while she sits back and does nothing. I still she both of my grandbabies…she still won’t get a job. She has told me I should support her the rest of her life. ???

She’s your mom, so she’s considerably older than you…maybe that has something to do with it. My Mom was extremely invested with my daughter…but she told me straight up once that she doesn’t have the energy she once had, and if I have another, she couldn’t do everything she now does. It worked great for us, because I never wanted another…lol.

Maybe she had issues of her own going on but didn’t want to burden you with them as you were a new mum and she may have thought you were too busy? Did you ask her if there was anything that was going on with her at the time?

seems like your relationship is one sided and calling her out without asking if something was going on with her…wrong. Apologize and talk with her and not at her…you might patch things up and understand the distance…thank you’s go a long way and being jealous of the cousin tells me you expected too much (both of you are wrong on that one).

Apologize and start again. Don’t let her be the one to always do nice things. Spoil her too. Don’t expect a babysitter, or nanny/helper. You’re lucky that you get a mother to be with you during pregnancies and birth and afterwards and just around in general. They are lucky to have grandparents too. Seems like she spoiled you and you expected it on the next baby as well. You have the power to fix it. Do it asap because we’re not always guaranteed tomorrow.

I went through the same thing with my x mother-in-law. Had to stop visitation with my son until she could treat both kids the same.She finally apologised to my daughter 16 yrs later before she passed away…

Honestly, talking is the key! Ask her to come out for dinner, just u and her without the kids(if possible) pour ur heart out and at the same time listen to her as well! I m sure it will end with a warm hug! Also, some ppl actually have an issue with the gender of the baby as well! So talk it out…ppl don’t change so drastically without a reason :blush:

Picking favorites with kids is never okay. It sounds like she favors boys over girls. Which would explain why she loved your son so much. I understand your hurt. But let that woman go. She showed you she doesn’t care. Focus on your family. You dont need her making your kids feel like shit. Because they know when one is favored and another isnt.