My mom and I have a rocky relationship and I don't know what to do anymore: Advice?

My mom and I have a tough relationship. She loves me more than anything but has many of her own demons she has not dealt with (and is not interested in dealing with). She is going through a tough time in her life, and I am trying to be there for her, but it’s hard on me. She says that my kids and I are her life and her only source of happiness, which is honestly a lot of pressure. She stresses me out when she’s around and is always making comments to start an argument. I think she feels comfortable and is used to it when we argue (as weird as it sounds). It’s exhausting always having to keep my mouth shut and ignore her actions. I have small children and am currently pregnant, so my days are busy! My goal is to stay calm and have a happy household, but it’s not easy when she’s always calling me or texting me with her drama. She doesn’t respect boundaries. If I don’t answer her calls, she will call and text my husband now, which is insane. She is caught up in her own pain; she has no idea what I’m going through or the stresses I feel. I have tried for over ten years to talk to her and explain why I feel the way I do and what hurts my feelings. She quickly says she’ll do better but never does. I’m usually in a bad mood when she leaves or when I get off the phone with her. Which is starting to bother my husband, seeing me upset after the visits? I need to protect my own sanity, and I don’t want the baby to feel any negative emotions that I’m feeling, but I don’t want my mom to feel like I’m abandoning her. I love her, but I do not like her most of the time. -It took me years in therapy to say that sentence.- She has always been there for me, so I want to be there for her, but I’m suffocating. She isn’t doing anything to better her situation; she just clings to me. Please, no rude comments. I don’t want to feel the way I do, and I wish I could change the way I feel, but I feel like I’m letting her walk all over my life. If I try to take some space and go a week or two without seeing her, she goes nuts and acts like its been ten years, or she will just show up unannounced. Also, I don’t trust her to babysit my kids. She’s lazy with them and doesn’t respect my wishes and will do whatever she wants behind my back. So I don’t feel like I can send my kids with her for a few hours. I’m sure if anything ever happened to her, I would feel bad, but I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t do things maliciously. She is just looking to feel whatever void she’s feeling in the moment and doesn’t think about anyone else. I’ve lost many nights of sleep over this. I am just at a loss. I know family is important, and I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandma. I don’t want to cut her out completely but the current situation is costing me my happiness. I dont know what to do… but it does feel nice to vent a little bit. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

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Sounds to me like your mother is gonna need some separation from you perhaps. You can’t be constantly upset when interacting with her, takes a toll on you and your family.

Erika R Martinez Story of my life with your mother… :broken_heart::woman_shrugging:t3:

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Toxic is toxic, family or not. Your mother is being quite selfish by putting her happiness on you. It is not your job to make anybody happy…well except for yourself. I cut my mother out 2 years ago and I will never go back. I do not want my daughter to see and experience the things I had to when I was young. Protect your kids.

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This is extremely toxic!!!
If you don’t set boundaries for her and make her get the physiological help she apparently needs, you will turn out exactly like her and will lose your husband and eventually YOUR children.
Someone has to step up and take control of this situation. She needs professional help and you are not equipped to do that. Do something before it is tooooo
late for everyone involved.

You need to let her read this, then take it from there. Might not be pretty, might be the best thing ever, but either way you got to tell her your truth.

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Talk to her again. Set boundaries. I’d give anything in this world to argue with my Momma again. It can all be fixed sweetheart.

If she just shows up dont let her in ask her to get some counseling if she wishes to stay in your life. You have your own family to worry about shes being selfish and entitled set boundaries and dont fold on them

I’ve cut my mom out… Had too. Can’t deal w the drama. Mine is a little different though. She hates us and tells us she does

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This is toxic. All healthy relationships need boundaries. In order to have her respect your boundaries though you are going to have to communicate them to her and if/when she crosses the line you are going to have to stand strong. It isn’t going to be pretty. But you have to protect your peace for the sake of your children, your husband and especially yourself. Hopefully in time she will understand and respect your boundaries so that you can build a strong and healthy relationship with her and her with her grandchildren.

Never let anyone or anything poison your peace. Do what’s best for you, your children, your family. Either she will act right or she won’t, regardless your sanity is worth more.

No you are a good daughter but send this letter you wrote to your mother ??

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I wish I had a good opinion or advice. Sounds almost exactly like what I’m dealing with as well. All I know is no matter how hard it is you have to do what’s best for yourself and as the Mother of your kids. I’ve learned we can’t fix anyone, and we can’t help someone who don’t want or acknowledge they need help. Im so sorry, and this seriously hits my heart. Sending so much love your way :heart:

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Your feelings are valid. Take care of yourself and your family. Your mom needs to expand her circle.

You’re mother sounds like a narcissist. I separated myself from my mother 4yrs ago, she lost grandma rights at the same time too. I told my kid she isnt a bad person she just constantly makes bad choices and doesn’t own her mistakes or own up to how she hurts others. My kid took it really well and she was a nana’s baby. Blood maybe thicker than water, it just means you can suffocate faster. Plus nana doesn’t make a happy home, you and your hubby do. If you’re not happy that can reflect down to your kids. I hope you’ve talked this over with your therapist, they should be the key perrson to help you stabilize your feelings, not us. Good luck though.

My moma and I didn’t speak for years.my daughter and I have had our differences and not spoken for months.My mother died a few months ago.we were speaking but she had Alzheimer’s
My daughter and I have agreed to start over and were doing great
Trying to say you can’t get the time back once it’s gone.try family counseling

Hello, it sounds like your mother has demon’s such as alcoholic or abusing drugs or simply psychologic problems. Either way you can’t fix her not is it your place to fix her. You can however set boundaries and let her know that if she doesn’t seek help you don’t want her around your children and she is not welcome at your house. Then tell her you will meet her some where for coffee and a chat once a week and that is the best you can do under the circumstances. Don’t let her drama over cloud your families life. This will not be easy but stick to your guns change your husband’s phone number if possible so he won’t have to deal with her as well. If she comes to your home after you tell her to stay away don’t let her in and call the police if you have too. You will have to show her that your life doesn’t revolve around her that she now comes last and your family comes first. Good luck.

I’m going to have to do the same thing with my dad my mom passed 3 years this November and my dad sees me as a replacement for my mom but I’m not and while I love him my dad is a child in a 62 yo body so I’m gonna have to move away again which he needs an adult to help him but won’t listen to me

(sorry it’s long, I had to rant about my mother too, once I started typing, my thumb just kept moving. sorry :frowning: )

sweety, you just described my mother. I know the pain. I love my mother so much, but my mother was the controlling type. she wanted everything her way. I moved out at 19 because I couldn’t take it anymore. untill recently, she always tried to give us things we never asked for and said we needed it. I know it was her way of trying to help and be there for me to make up for the past. in the past she was never there or knew what we (my brother and i) were going threw emotionally and mentally until we were older and out of the house. She had been threw a lot when we were little and still has her demons that’s she’s working on. she would call me all the time just to talk and tell me drama. she go on and on. I finally told her enough is enough. I know she has things on her mind and needs someone to talk to, but I couldn’t be that person because I have my own things I’m dealing with. I don’t trust her with my daughters because she’ll lie to them saying “daddy doesn’t love you” to my older daughter which is my partner’s stepdaughter. yea, me and my partner seprated and he took our daughter with him, my younger one, and it hurt my older daughter just as much as it hurt me. But he realized his mistake and came back. He loved my older daughter and me to come back with our younger daughter to be a whole family again. he tells my older daughter sorry and that he loves her. but because of what happened, my family don’t trust my partner and it hurts me that they judge him on his actions, what hurts even more is that one set of my grandparents are pastors of a church. my other grandma (widow, my grandfather on their side passed away this year) accepts him in our family. my mother doesnt and compares him to her exs like hes the same way they were. But he isn’t and is the opposite of the ones she ever was with. They just don’t see him as a good guy just because of one mistake. so I don’t talk to my mother very often any more, she was the reason me and my partner almost seprated again. And I told her to stop and fix her own things before butting into my life and only seeing the negative things.

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Sounds almost like my mum :sweat_smile:

Have you tried going to therapy together?