My Mother Invited My Ex-Husband (and His New Wife) to Thanksgiving... But Not Me: Advice?

QUESTION:

"I’m in a dilemma. When do you decide enough is enough, and how do you go about telling your mother you are done?

Backstory: my mom and I have not had such a great relationship since I started going to college (11 years now) and gaining my own independence. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for two years and separated for 2.5 years. He has gotten remarried and moved on with his life.

Anyway, she decided to invite him and his new wife to Thanksgiving and has not even asked if I would come over for dinner. I have tried several times to talk through my issues with things they have done in the past and how it’s made me feel to no avail.

I have even tried family therapy, and that doesn’t work either. I just feel there is no way to break through to her. Help!"

RELATED QUESTION: What are your Thanksgiving traditions?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“At that point, I’d cut them off. And I mean, don’t respond to texts, calls, etc. Remove them off of social media so they cant snoop and keep themselves updated with your life and I would ignore them if I ever came across them in public. Completely ignore them. Cuz trust me they’ll probably find ways through other family members to creep on your life to see if you’re doing good. Maybe when you completely cut her off like a tumor then she’ll realize she cares or she might not. Either way, it’s better for you to surround yourself with people who love you. Good luck!”

“My Mom did the same, she has chosen my ex over me. She has him over for holidays, has had Birthday party’s for him and I never even so much as get a call. Sorry this is happening to you. I can only be slapped in the face so many times before I say f&$k it and move on.”

“I emailed mine. Kept it short and sweet: ‘I don’t care if you mean to hurt me or not with your actions or what you say to me, but you do and I’ve had enough of it. Call me oversensitive or whatever to whoever, you damage my mental health and I’m done. I’ve tried many times explaining it but nothing ever changes. Please do not contact me again. I mean it, I’m done!’ She tried to contact me a few times after that and still plays victim to other family members but I’ve ignored it all, and 6yrs on, I’m much happier and don’t feel guilty for putting myself first for once! Honestly, cut contact!”

“My mom won’t even do family therapy, you just say no more! I did it 2 years ago and never felt better. My mom is a narcissist. Sorry. Hugs.”

“I would cut them off, you gave her the chance to be a happy family and she refused it. It sucks but you need to cut off contact with her.”

“That sounds really toxic to me. If she invited him and the new wife along with you then I can see that as building bridges if there are children involved. But it doesn’t sound like there are any children involved and she didn’t invite her own daughter which plainly says to me that she wants to intentionally hurt you. TOXIC! Don’t be a part of it. Remove yourself from trying to get your mother’s approval.”

“I think at that point I would be done. Go on enjoy your life and wait for her to come to you.”

“If you have done all that you can to mend the rift to no avail, she’s made her choice. As difficult as it seems you have to accept that sad reality and move on with your own life. Build a new life and have your own holiday, cut ties and let her come to you, it may never happen but at this point, you have no choice.”

“I think at this point you need to put your mental health above your mother. You don’t need to have it out with her if that would be too much. Just don’t bother, if they care or want you in their life they will see their attitude and why it happened. If not it’s saving you a lot of stress.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

160 Likes

Don’t bother to say anything. She knows fully well what she is doing. Just block her calls. Blood relatives don’t always mean “family”. Stop beating yourself up. Make your own memories with what family you choose. And with those who respect you. She clearly doesn’t.

35 Likes

Let her have him. Don’t let her toxic behavior drag you in

11 Likes

At that point sadly be done with her!

8 Likes

I don’t have a great relationship with my mom either! It’s hard but you have to do what’s best for you!

Just stop engaging in any interactions. Block her number. Just be done. You won’t find any closure by telling her anything.

5 Likes

Enjoy your Thanksgiving with no negativity from either of them, you deserve to be happy. Like what Kathleen Candelora said, blood relatives don’t always mean family.

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It is time you move on. Make a joyful life for yourself. Mail her a card or letter now and again but do not answer calls as it is counterproductive. If she wants yo communicate, she can write you a letter.

2 Likes

You walk away and do not engage with her anymore.

5 Likes

You are no longer on the hook for taking care of her when she’s old. Him and his new wife will be left with that responsibility while you’re off enjoying living your life.

11 Likes

Cut that Umbilical chord!!..She just did! With that action…Sad reality is she is becoming older…those “people” won’t be around by then…BE FREE

I never met any Mother that would invite an ex in law over their own child. Right their should tell you something. I’d wash my hands with her and delete her from your life. And never feel guilty because obviously she already chose your ex over you. So she made the choice and she can live with it while you go on and be happy for you. You deserve better.

Ive learned thru therapy not everyone deserves your time nor do they deserve an explanation of your absence from thier lives. Move on dont say a word it won’t make a bit of difference to her. Go on living your life for yourself. She doesn’t get it and shes never going to it best to just let it go

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Wow, how could your mother invite your ex and wife and not even think about you,!! He’s no longer family, why invite him and wife??? Honey, obviously mom dont care regarding you. Your mother is the one that needs the family therapy. Stay strong.

2 Likes

Move on. Plan your own Thanksgiving dinner that don’t include her. This is the year you might have to celebrate alone, but if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. Your mom seems to think its funny to play with your life, don’t participate. Let them enjoy that awkward dinner. Chalk it up as a lesson because you learned something about your mom and your ex. Find the Blessing in yourself and another way to celebrate Thanksgiving.

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I am sorry this must be hard…

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What did you do last year? Is there any chance that your mother assumes of course you know you’re invited? Hang in there and gave a great Thanksgiving so matter what you do!

Your mom is your mom so i think you should try to resolve things. But I definitely understand why you are hurt and if your efforts don’t work, then at some point it’s time to move on

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Nothing pisses people off more than being ignored, try it, she will be wondering where you went.

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Could you imagine being the new wife & getting an invite to go to your husband’s EX mil? What new wife would want to accept that invitation?

9 Likes