My Mother Made Me Feel Like I Wasn't Worthy of Being a Mom: Advice?

QUESTION:

"I am a first-time māma with my rainbow baby after two miscarriages and a stillborn in the last two years.

I love my mum dearly, and she has helped me heaps with my son. The thing is, this morning, my son almost fell out of his walker because when I picked it up with him in it, it fell apart, and as it fell apart, my son ended up hitting his head on the part that came off and left scratches on the right side of his head.

I grabbed him before he fell out. My mother heard it, and the first thing she says is, ‘what did you do,’ grabs my son off me and tries to console him as I did it on purpose, and I wasn’t allowed to console my son until I asked for him back so I could.

As if I didn’t already feel guilty as it was, I feel even worse about it now. When I tried to talk about it with her, she laughed when I said, ‘it didn’t help when you said what did I do’. It makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being a mother when stuff like that is said to me, and I mean, I had doubts in myself when I kept losing my babies.

Now that I have one alive, healthy, and growing fast, I started to think better about it, but when things like that happen, it gets me questioning myself as a mother again. I didn’t know when I picked it up that it was going to fall apart like that, it makes me more aware of making sure that things like that don’t ever happen again by checking over anything I put him into before I put him in it and even more cautious about what I do with him.

I’m looking for anyone who has had things like this or similar happen and how you dealt with it, without making you so depressed and questioning yourself as a mother, a parent, and a protector of the most precious little person in your life."

RELATED QUESTION: My Mom Wants Me to Exclude My Stepmom from Family Photos, But I Don’t Feel Right About It: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“TELL YOUR MOTHER TO GO HOME!”

“No one is perfect at being a parent. EVERY mom makes mistakes with their children especially the first. Don’t feel unworthy. Don’t feel like you can’t tell her she needs to back off. He is your son, not hers, and she needs to respect that.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it! Being a parent is the hardest job there is and we all make mistakes!! Tell your mother she needs to take a step back and respect you as your son’s mother. I’m sure she made mistakes when you were growing up. No one is perfect.”

“A kid isn’t a kid if they don’t get hurt. I can’t count how many times I’ve bonked my kids head getting them into the car or how many times they’ve fallen off the bed, tripped them, elbowed them, etc. Accidents happen. Both my kids are bruised like bananas. But that’s part of childhood. Accidents happen and you’ll always feel terrible and like you could’ve prevented them, but you can’t. Not always. You’re not a bad mom.”

“Your confidence will come with time. I’m sure you do so many wonderful things for your son but you’ll just dwell on this one thing because you feel guilty. Unfortunately, accidents happen, just try to focus on the fact that your son is fine. Tell your mother that you didn’t appreciate her tone, say what you have to say, and then try to move on. Respect yourself as your baby’s mother and don’t accept less than that from anyone else. All parents have stories of their children injuring themselves. My son is constantly on a mission to injure himself and give me heart failure. You got this, mama.”

“I think you might be blowing it a little bit out of proportion; it was probably just her initial reaction. She doesn’t actually think you’re a bad mother or that you’re not worthy of being a mother. Those are your own insecurities coming out.”

“Every mother has a moment or a dozen when we accidentally cause our babies to get hurt, like stepping on fingers, tripping over them, that stuff happens. I am more concerned about your mother taking over the baby and verbally abusing you. You need to get away from her and help with what is likely postpartum depression. From what you said your mother has no respect for you as a person or a mother, it is time to tell your mother to “F” off you appreciate her help but you don’t appreciate being belittled. Good luck.”

“You’re always going to feel guilty when your baby gets hurt whether it’s your fault or not. Your mom was wrong in doing that, but don’t beat yourself up. All of us have stories of our babies getting hurt.”

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28 Likes

You’re beyond worthy of being a mama. Babies don’t hurt that easily, it may have scared him more than anything. I hope this makes you feel better my daughter fell off of my bed when she was 10 months old. I promise you it happens to everyone. Grab that baby and love on him tell your mom where she can go…

Things like this happen to all of us it’s all ok u r not a bad mama ur doing fine shit happens

This is part of being a mother. We all make mistakes, accidents happen but as you said we learn from them. Next time it will be something else. You’re doing your best and fact you even worry about it proves that. Baby will have loads of tumbles and bumps and wait til you bump his head on the car door putting him in :joy: it will happen.
I’d get your mother to back off. Hes your child and should be comforted by you when you are there and something happens.

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Tell your mom to back off. This is your son and you will raise him as you see fit. Accidents happen you didn’t do it on purpose. Don’t beat yourself up kids don’t come with instructions.

Accidents happen don’t feel like you are the only one that things happen but definitely don’t let anyone make you feel like you are not good enough you definitely need to sit down and have a talk about things with your mother

I rolled my son’s fingers up in the car window when he was little :woman_facepalming: lol my mom let me roll off the bed into a trash can and my dad let me fall off the porch and break my nose lol things happen. They don’t come with manuals. Everything will be alright. Just let your momma know you appreciate all her help and guidance but he is your son and you want to be the one to console him. I’m sure she has let things happened to you before lol

2 Likes

My mil used to do that with my first son you just have to put your foot down and tell her either she backs off and let’s you be the mom or she can leave and if she doesn’t back off put her out your house she’ll either want to be the grandmother or leave. If you don’t stop it now it can and will get so much worse. Also don’t make yourself feel bad trust me it’ll be more falls and scrapes in the future.

We learn from our experiences, none of us know what’s going to work or what will happen when we have babies, especially our first ones, that’s why they’re referred to as the guinea pig or the experiment!
I can assure you, your mum made mistakes, but she did what she thought was best at the time, same as you and most other mums will do, but we need to be allowed to get on with it or we’ll forever doubt ourselves and become the cruddy parents we’re accused of being - not because that’s what we want, but because we’re to afraid to try.
My daughter wriggled out of my arms and I caught her just quick enough that she still hit the floor, but not hard enough to hurt and she thought it was a game - now I know to hold her tighter or get lower if she’s messing around like this.

Tell your mum, she’s had her chance to parent her kids, but this one is yours and you are the parent. You need to put your foot down and be firm or she will push boundaries xx

Tell her everything you just told us, and let her know that she needs to distance herself if she cannot stop herself from making you feel that way.

Your worthy and you need to remind your mother that your baby is her grandchild, not her other child and if she can’t be respectful and kind and allow you to parent then she loses her grandchild privileges

Yep tell her to leave. If you’re living with her well then perhaps you should move out

Take a step back from your mom. It’s ok to take a break from someone’s toxic behavior for your own mental health.

I happens and u become more aware and try to do different things to try to prevent it hut it happens

Accidents happen mama. Was picking him up in the walker the best idea, no…but so long as he’s ok, it’s fine. You learned a parenting lesson and it’s all good. Tonight I threatened if my son didn’t stop jumping on the couch, I was gonna put him to bed. He jumped again and when I went towards him to carry him to bed he flipped backwards onto our wood floor, noggin first. Shit happens sometimes :woman_shrugging:

Omg. It happens. Kids get hurt. My children are 4&6 now and they injure themselves all the time. Just wait until your babe starts walking. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. & it definitely isn’t your fault. Parenting is hard enough & having someone on the side lines judging you on your every move DOES NOT HELP. I’d be telling your mom to back off , you don’t need the negativity if anything you need someone telling you IT HAPPENS, YOUR A GOOD MOM, DONT LET SOMETHING SMALL LIKE THIS BRING YOU DOWN. :heart::heart::heart:

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Hun we all do these things , your mum just had a grandma moment I’m sure she didn’t mean to upset you .
I have trapped my daughters fingers in the car door before now and when my eldest was a newborn my husband zipped his snowsuit up and it pinched his chin
It’s all a part of parenthood we make mistakes - pick yourself up brush it off and keep going! You are doing great x

  1. Never doubt yourself.
  2. Mistakes and accidents happen, it comes with being a mom.
  3. Your mom is not a perfect t parent i can almost guarantee it. So tell her to be quiet and get out of your house. And tell her if she cannot respect your feelings and not laugh when you tell her stuff then to not come around.

Its ok. When my son was born I was smoking a cigarette and pushing my son in the stroller. I lost the cherry. Turns out it was on his blanket that was covering his head from the sun and burned his head. He has a scar now from it. I felt like a pile of shit. Moral of story shit happens. No ones perfect as a parent. And as a cool lady once told me. There is no right way to parent a child. Your doing great.

Accidents happen mama… There will be more in the future, but rhat in no way makea you an unworthy, or bad mom. If she continues to treat you like this, even after trying to tell her how you feel, it may be best to say thank you and good bye.!

2 Likes