My Mother Wants a Relationship With My Baby Daughter But Not With Me: Advice?

QUESTION:

"So my daughter is 15 weeks old. When she was 3 weeks old, my mother said she was stepping away as a grandmother for the simple fact that I was not allowing her to dictate who was around my child!

I explained to her that it is my child, and who I want around here is my choice. (This is because she didn’t want my father’s girlfriend around my daughter.) Since then, multiple people have stated my mother wants a relationship with my daughter. However, she does not want one with my husband or me, nor does she want to communicate with us. Nor has she made any effort in being in my daughter’s life or checking up on her in the last 12 weeks.

With that all being said, would you feel comfortable with a family member taking your child and bringing them to the person you have no relationship with just for them to be in your child’s life? What I’m trying to see if I am in the wrong for is not feeling comfortable for my sister taking my child and dropping her off to my mother.

Since my mother does not want to communicate with my husband or me. I feel as if someone wants to be in my daughter’s life then need to be in mine as well! Please tell me if I am wrong!"

RELATED QUESTION: My Mother Made Me Feel Like I Wasn’t Worthy of Being a Mom: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“I’m not sure why grandmothers think they have any say in how we raise our children. They are just that grandparents. Not the parents. You are absolutely not wrong. I wouldn’t let her around my child either. If she doesn’t want to respect you as the mother and fix things with you and your husband then she doesn’t need to be around your child.”

“As a grandmother and great grandmother myself, I think your mother has NO right in dictating who is around your child. Your child= your choice. I’ve always said to any new mum and/or dad, you can listen to all the advice offered but it’s up to you to decide what you do with it.”

“If she doesn’t come to you, then she doesn’t want anything but control. Do not send your baby to her. If she wants to see her bad enough, she’ll come to you.”

“You are not wrong. If she wants a relationship with your daughter(a baby at that) then she needs to have a respectful relationship with you as well. If she isn’t willing to do that then she isn’t ready to be around your child.”

“Don’t deny your daughter a relationship with her grandmother…your daughter will hate you for it later…”

“Absolutely not! If she doesn’t want to communicate with you or your husband, she will probably do whatever she wants when it comes to your daughter being in her care and not follow your instructions. Also, god forbid something was to happen to your daughter while with your mom, how can you trust that she would tell you if she isn’t communicating with you or your husband. If it was me and you can’t be a part of my child’s life if you aren’t even speaking to myself or my husband.”

“Your Mother is manipulating the dynamic of your family to favor her needs. I would not buy into her pettiness. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she does not deserve one with your daughter. Nip the drama in the bud. Her loss.”

“Nope. If she can’t respect you enough to communicate with you, then no. If she were to have the baby and something God forbid, were to happen… and she won’t talk to you… that is not a person or situation I’d put my child in. Hell to the no. She doesn’t get to dictate your life or your child’s. If she cared that much about seeing and having a relationship with your daughter, she’d make it a point to start with you. No flipping effing way. Shame on your sister for letting her use and manipulate her into even asking for her. If she doesn’t wanna be an adult and talk to you, the answer is ALWAYS no.”

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479 Likes

Honestly my opinion I feel you shouldn’t let your mother have a relationship with your daughter if she doesn’t want one with you! My parents don’t see my child because we don’t have a relationship nor do they call and check in. If you’re not comfortable leaving her with your mother either then don’t. It doesn’t make you a bad parent by making sure your daughter is safe!

7 Likes

Absolutely not. If she can’t be around you or be a mother to you she has no reason to be involved with the baby. Especially since she left for such a petty reason

3 Likes

Absolutely not!!! Sounds like your mom
Needs to grow up. You’re that child’s mother not her and it is your choice.
I dealt with this myself. Your decision.

1 Like

Your mother sounds toxic.

4 Likes

Nope! You are not in the wrong at all

1 Like

I agree with you …

1 Like

Let the door hit her in the way out. Screw toxic family

3 Likes

Your not wrong. If your mother doesn’t want a relationship with you and your husband then she shouldn’t have one with your daughter.

4 Likes

You most definitely are not wrong!! If your mother can’t communicate with you then she shouldn’t get or expect to have your child or use other family members as a go between to see your child.

2 Likes

Too young to be away from parents and with strangers.

3 Likes

You are NOT wrong at all. Don’t leave that baby with your mother.

3 Likes

If she doesn’t come to you, then she doesn’t want anything but control. Do not send your baby to her. If she wants to see her bad enough, she’ll come to you.

8 Likes

Nope, toxic is toxic and I wouldn’t want my kids around that crap

5 Likes

You are not wrong. If she wants a relationship with your daughter(a baby at that) then she needs to have a respectful relationship with you as well. If she isn’t willing to do that then she isn’t ready to be around your child.

6 Likes

You, your husband and your daughter are a family and one so if she doesn’t want anything to do with you guys, then she doesn’t have anything to do with her grandchildren either. She’s toxic, stay away

3 Likes

Idk, my mom and grandma had issues but she was my dads mom and my dad died. But I wish my mom had let me see my grandma

I personally would not allow her to be around your daughter. Skirting around you by complaining to everyone else but not doing anything to try and come to an agreement with you is toxic. She sounds like the type of person who would ignore dietary restrictions or allergies because she thinks you’re making them up.

3 Likes

One simple question: Did you authorize this? Did you say your sister could take your child to your mother’s?
By the way it’s worded I’m assuming no, so:
Oh. Hell. No!
I’d be livid!
You do not take my child ANYWHERE near people that I have no talking grounds with. If I wanted my child around them, they’d be around.

Distance your sister now, too. She has to prove herself.

You are the only that can make that decision.