My parents let my ex see my child behind my back: Advice?

I really could use some advice for anyone that has been in this situation… So my child’s father barely ever comes around so far this year he has seen him twice and doesn’t help provide him with anything. He doesn’t even barley ask about him. My fiance and I do everything for him. And my child barely knows him. And I’ve never held my child away. We’ve been open to letting him see him whenever. We’ve tried meeting up at places and there was always an excuse to why he can’t. And I just found out that when my child would go to my parents house they would have his father come over without even letting me know. I feel like I should know whose around my child.

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It sounds like that the father is not really too vested into his child .which is sad . clearly mom felt he was at one time worthy of her love . since now there a child from this union every attempt to further a good parent relationship between all involved should be a goal . perhaps mom has some animosity towards her ex . so perhaps it is better for grand parents to be the go between for father /child visits . i do agree that to sneak behind the moms back is not right . but now that mom is aware she can set some boundaries . no child should ever grow up with out knowing each parent as long as the parents are not abusive and a danger to the child . and no child should Ever hear the other parent speak ill of the other one .

Your last sentence “my child” is wrong and this way of thinking is probably the problem here. That child is just as much “his”. The idea of one parent thinking the other needs “permission” to see their own child is why there are so many issues with broken and unhealthy parenting. A child is NOT a possesion.

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Your parents should keep you informed because that’s your child. I hate to say this but I had a disagreement with my daughter a few years back and of course the first thing she did was take my granddaughter away. I see her from time to time through the other grandparents.

One day your child will be old enough to form their own opinions about the biological father. At no cost should anyone be sneaking around behind your back especially if you’re saying you aren’t keeping the child away. Kind of makes me feel like they have something against your fiancé.

My parents are pretty shady as well. I’m a mother of three grown kids and I’m raising my brothers 12 & 16. They will still defend my brother at any cost! Protect yourself, your child and especially the fiancé that has stepped up

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In one sentence, you say you’re not keeping your son from his father… yet, you’re mad at your parents? It seems like you are just angry because you weren’t able to control the situation. If he was the “bad guy”, you wouldn’t want him around your son at all, not only when you didn’t know about it. Seems to me that them sneaking behind your back for a visit means they didn’t want to deal with the drama. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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This will be unpopular I’m sure, but no matter the circumstances don’t ever keep your child from their parent… They will hold it against you later. When your child is an adult, they can decide for themselves whether or not they want to continue a relationship or not. 

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I’m trying to understand why your upset if you have no issue with him seeing your child. It’s obvious that the reason he doesn’t come around with you is because he doesn’t want to be around you so it’s better for him to see your child while your child is with your parents…it doesn’t matter where or when just so that the child gets to see both parents. It sounds like you do keep him from seeing your child.

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My OPINION is this. He’s that child’s father. If he’s not a bad person, I assume not because you’re open for visits, let your child know his/her father. Trust me, It’s a win in the end. If it’s bothering you because you’re not in control then try to just let it go. I have been there. I know it’s hard. Maybe the father just can’t handle being around you or your new man for whatever reason. As for the grandparents, talk to them. Let them know they should have talked to you first. You entrusted them with the care of your child. I do feel like they should have been upfront about it. However, it is his child too.

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I would allow it. Your child is getting time with his father in a safe environment (if you feel comfortable with your parents caring for him, then I would imagine it’s safe). Your son will know who did for him, who showed up for his events, he will know his father came and went. Allowing him to see his dad while at your parents is a good thing. Abandonment issues from childhood divorce grows into adulthood abandonment issues. If you can minimize that even slightly it’s a good thing. I would speak to your parents and let them know sneaking is unnecessary and you’d prefer they were honest with you. That’s the only issue I see here…your parents hiding it from you. I would let them know you have no issue with him visiting while your son is there, it’s the being devious your feeling hurt about.

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If you are so opened to allowing him to see the child, why would it matter he sees the child at your parents? Maybe ypur ex feels more comfortable not being around you and your fiancee. I think its great your parents are willing to help out. After all, isn’t the most important thing that your child and his father have time together?!

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You sound bitter… Your parents did no wrong… Let that man have a relationship with his child whether he can financially support them at the time or not… Maybe he just would rather see him at your parents house so he don’t have to deal with your drama… If you don’t keep your child away and let him see him whenever then why are you even upset? You’re right you should know who your child is around but obviously you’re the unreasonable one otherwise your parents wouldn’t have felt the need to go behind your back to provide your child a relationship you’re denying him… That’s nice that your fiancé helps out but he’s not the father and he never will be and keeping the dad away won’t change your child’s biology… If you really don’t keep your child from his father you should be happy he found a way to see him without inconveniencing you

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That is not good! You have every right as his parent to DON’T LET YOUR PARENTS GET AWAY WITH THIS, PERIOD.

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Try to do your best to go with it as “in my opinion” the more love the better for your son. The father may not have a dime to his name to give that’s okay. Love and just being there will make your son a well rounded man. Was it done the right way in your eyes possibly not but, it’s a new chapter; grow and evolve and more importantly be happy for your son that he is lucky to have two fathers in his life

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So you say he never sees his child or makes an effort or has an excuse why he cannot see the child… then you say your parents have the father come over to their house when they have the child? So he actually DOES see his child? Your beef is probably with your parents🤷‍♀️

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There is more to this story then what you are saying. Your parents wouldn’t just invite him over if you are really allowing him to see the child whenever.

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Your parents are wrong for doing that and not telling you. You need to have a talk with them. You are the mother and need to be informed of what they are doing. Makes you wonder what else they are doing without you knowing?
Your child is going to see this and think it’s ok hide things from you. :neutral_face:

Maybe you could clear up that you want to be informed of the visits from now on. Simple courtesey. Especially since he’s a child & you’re his main (only) caregiver. You have a right to be ticked off, of course. They’ll have to get over it. Everything will be okay.

But, you said you are open to the bio seeing the child whenever. And you’ve never held the child away. So, what’s the big deal. Maybe the bigger question is why has your child not said anything to you about seeing his father? Maybe he thinks you are not as open to him seeing his dad as you say you are.

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If I felt my mother went against me I would ask her about not social media but that’s just me. But why will your ex meet your parents but not you? There could be many reasons. But guess what visitation with his son does not require your presence.
There is definitely something going here but the fact that your own parents help this man see his child tells me that you need counseling to work in your control issues. You sound petty to me.

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They are wrong. And let them know that they aren’t going to see your child until they decide to respect your wishes. Your child, your rules. End of story.

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