My Partner Has Forced Me Into a SAHM Role, But Still Barely Provides Financially: Advice?

QUESTION:

"Does your significant other (SO) provide entirely for your household? Like bills, groceries, extras? Does he give you any money for yourself and or does he save so that you can get things if you need them?

I am currently a SAHM (not by choice). Although I love my kids, I was making great money working. But bc my husband had a bad childhood experience in daycare, he refuses to let the kids go, and I had to be the one to sacrifice everything.

It wouldn’t be so bad, but we never have any money because he never saves, and when I offered to take care of the finances, he argues with me bc it’s ‘his money.’ I have to wait around for financial aid, or extra money that I bring in from school to ever get my hair done, any extra clothes, or even get out of this house (which is also always an argument).

I never have anything I need (or want, really) and find myself calling my mother (I’m a grown adult) to borrow money. I am getting really tired of it, but my SO won’t even discuss the idea of me going back to work. So my real question is, am I being selfish? is this normal SAHM stuff? Or does your SO provide the essentials and still have some leftover?"

RELATED QUESTION: Stay-At-Home-Moms: How Do You Make It Work on One Income?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“That’s not normal. I’m a stay home mom. He provides for us but his money is our money. If I were in your situation, I’d probably be out. Moms need things too. If he’s gonna deny you getting a job then he needs to let you have some money. Red flags flying high on that one.”

“Go put the kids in daycare and go back to work. If he wants to stay home with them then fine.”

“Go back to work. He’s your husband, not your boss! If he can’t even provide your basic needs that’s a problem. Find a good daycare and enroll the kids. Even better find a home daycare with fewer children and someone you trust. Or hire someone to watch your kids in your home! Do what works for you. Staying home with your kids can be great but it also leaves you with nothing if for some reason the marriage would end.”

“Sounds extremely controlling (making decisions regarding kids, money, working without your say). Put your foot down. If he’s willing to listen, great. If not, leave.”

“I’m a SAHM, have been from the very beginning, and my husband brings in all the money. He calls it our money, and he makes sure I have “me time” whenever I need it. I recently told him I hated my hair color, and he encouraged me to go get it done! By him calling it “his” money, seems unfair and possibly controlling. They’re his kids too. And you deserve a treat! Being a SAHM is a lot of work!!!”

“I think it’s time to start giving your husband a time card with a list and charge for everything you do. If he doesn’t want to share the home’s money then he needs to be paying you since he is the main one that wants you to stay home.”

“You should be able to say I would like to get my hair done or I need a new shirt then you both sit down and see where the money for that item can come from. He sounds controlling and it’s sad when men think just because they work you should not have any money.”

“I would tell him that you are going back to work, whether he likes it or not. If daycare isn’t an option, then he can either stay at home OR he can hire a babysitter. He forces you to stay home, that is Y’ALL’S money, whether he likes it or not.”

“Kids would be in daycare and I would be back at work. If he doesn’t like it we could discuss separation and the courts could/would make him pay to help with household support. He sounds like he thinks this marriage and parenting relationship is all about her. Time to put your foot down, mom.”

“I’m a SAHM and my husband makes sure I have everything I want that’s within reason and if we have the money for it. He even puts my own wants before his own. Tell him he either gives you money or you’re going back to work. That’s not fair to you. Do you really want to spend the next couple of years like that? It’s not fair you have to pay for his bad childhood experience.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

135 Likes

I’m a SAHM his money is my money :woman_shrugging:t4: sorry but that’s toxic and controlling behavior time for a talk and you guys reach some type of agreement or one of you needs to leave

17 Likes

Leave him. Hes treating you like a child. You’re not his property, if you are married, you are his equal.

5 Likes

You should be able to say I would like to get my hair done or I need a new shirt then you both sit down and see where the money for that item can come from. He sounds controlling and it’s sad when men think just because they work you should not have any money

8 Likes

You already know it’s wrong by asking the questions. Do something about it

9 Likes

I’d go back to work. If it’s not gonna be your money together then I’d be mad too. I was a stay at home mom too but got sick of the “what you doing with that money I gave you? $100 ok?” Meanwhile he would work in a different town for two weeks and I’d be home for two weeks so I got a job. Now I have my own money.

It is NOT his money! It is the family’s money… So, take what you need and/or want. Just make sure the bills are paid!

3 Likes

You are not being selfish- it sounds like he is the one being selfish and incredibly controlling. He has no right to make such major decisions on his own.

4 Likes

Honey that isn’t normal at all…

6 Likes

Sounds like a conversation that should have happened before kids. That being said, I stay home and would never ask my husband for money. It’s our money and I am able to spend as I please.

1 Like

I’m a SAHM and my husband makes sure I have everything I want that’s within reason and if we have the money for it . He even puts my own wants before his own. Tell him he ether gives you money or you’re going back to work . That’s not fair to you . Do you really want to spend the next couple of years like that? It’s not fair you have to pay for his bad childhood experience.

6 Likes

His money is OUR money. I am currently staying home and taking care of the home and the finances. He usually has $20-40 in his pocket but the rest of the income I take care of. I make sure the Bill’s are paid and there is food on the table. When he took care of the finances we were in the hole. Now 6 months later, we have all bills caught up and some money in savings. It should be about sharing responsibilities and things. Not just one for one or you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

1 Like

I am a SAHM once we had our daughter. We were in a spot financially where I could leave my job. After that I closed my bank account transfered everything to his. And now we have a joint account and each have a card. As long as it fits in our budget he doesn’t care what I do or buy and same for him.

Kids would be in daycare and I would be back at work. If he doesn’t like it we could discuss separation and the courts could/would make him pay to help with household support. He sounds like he thinks this marriage and parenting relationship is all about her. Time to put your foot down mom

7 Likes

I’m currently a SAHM, but I’m also getting unemployment and planning on going back to work after unemployment ends. I’m not married, but my boyfriend and I do split the bills. I pay the rent and electric, he pays the internet and phone bill, and we both pay for groceries. Not the same as your situation, but even if I wasn’t making money, my boyfriend would still view his money as our money. We save our money for our son and for fun things we want to do. Your husband sounds controlling and that’s not right. We both sit down and put aside money for the essentials, like rent, food, baby stuff, etc. and then whatever is left over we split to put in a bank account for later and we have money aside for things he wants or I want or we both want. That’s how a relationship should be.

He is controlling everything you do * smh * unless you can live with that , I’d either sit down and & try and work it out or figure a way out. You may love him and vice versa but you don’t try and manipulate/control someone you say you love

4 Likes

Sadly that seems to be how it goes.

1 Like

This is financial abuse

5 Likes

I’m a SAHM and honestly I get most of his paycheck. He keeps very little and will ask me for money if he needs it.

1 Like

I’m a sahm and my husband reminds me that it is our money. What your husband is doing to you is not normal and sounds like gaslighting. I get not wanting to send them to daycare… maybe you could try finding someone to come to your house to watch them so you could go back to work.

6 Likes