"Does your significant other (SO) provide entirely for your household? Like bills, groceries, extras? Does he give you any money for yourself and or does he save so that you can get things if you need them?
I am currently a SAHM (not by choice). Although I love my kids, I was making great money working. But bc my husband had a bad childhood experience in daycare, he refuses to let the kids go, and I had to be the one to sacrifice everything.
It wouldn’t be so bad, but we never have any money because he never saves, and when I offered to take care of the finances, he argues with me bc it’s ‘his money.’ I have to wait around for financial aid, or extra money that I bring in from school to ever get my hair done, any extra clothes, or even get out of this house (which is also always an argument).
I never have anything I need (or want, really) and find myself calling my mother (I’m a grown adult) to borrow money. I am getting really tired of it, but my SO won’t even discuss the idea of me going back to work. So my real question is, am I being selfish? is this normal SAHM stuff? Or does your SO provide the essentials and still have some leftover?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“That’s not normal. I’m a stay home mom. He provides for us but his money is our money. If I were in your situation, I’d probably be out. Moms need things too. If he’s gonna deny you getting a job then he needs to let you have some money. Red flags flying high on that one.”
“Go put the kids in daycare and go back to work. If he wants to stay home with them then fine.”
“Go back to work. He’s your husband, not your boss! If he can’t even provide your basic needs that’s a problem. Find a good daycare and enroll the kids. Even better find a home daycare with fewer children and someone you trust. Or hire someone to watch your kids in your home! Do what works for you. Staying home with your kids can be great but it also leaves you with nothing if for some reason the marriage would end.”
“Sounds extremely controlling (making decisions regarding kids, money, working without your say). Put your foot down. If he’s willing to listen, great. If not, leave.”
“I’m a SAHM, have been from the very beginning, and my husband brings in all the money. He calls it our money, and he makes sure I have “me time” whenever I need it. I recently told him I hated my hair color, and he encouraged me to go get it done! By him calling it “his” money, seems unfair and possibly controlling. They’re his kids too. And you deserve a treat! Being a SAHM is a lot of work!!!”
“I think it’s time to start giving your husband a time card with a list and charge for everything you do. If he doesn’t want to share the home’s money then he needs to be paying you since he is the main one that wants you to stay home.”
“You should be able to say I would like to get my hair done or I need a new shirt then you both sit down and see where the money for that item can come from. He sounds controlling and it’s sad when men think just because they work you should not have any money.”
“I would tell him that you are going back to work, whether he likes it or not. If daycare isn’t an option, then he can either stay at home OR he can hire a babysitter. He forces you to stay home, that is Y’ALL’S money, whether he likes it or not.”
“Kids would be in daycare and I would be back at work. If he doesn’t like it we could discuss separation and the courts could/would make him pay to help with household support. He sounds like he thinks this marriage and parenting relationship is all about her. Time to put your foot down, mom.”
“I’m a SAHM and my husband makes sure I have everything I want that’s within reason and if we have the money for it. He even puts my own wants before his own. Tell him he either gives you money or you’re going back to work. That’s not fair to you. Do you really want to spend the next couple of years like that? It’s not fair you have to pay for his bad childhood experience.”
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