My SIL recentley passed and her husband moved on 2 weeks later: How should this be handled?

My sister in law (my husband’s sister) passed away from stage 4 breast cancer this past February. Obviously, my mother in law and father in law (who I am very close with- love like they are my parents) are taking it one day at a time- it’s been very difficult. They have been helping to take care of her youngest daughter (now 14) My sister in law’s husband of 20 years- moved on two weeks after she passed. He brought home his new girlfriend, who stayed the night- in front of his then 13-year-old daughter. Naturally (for EVERYONE involved), it was very uncomfortable that he moved on THAT fast, but even more, so that he would do that in front of his grieving daughter. He planned a cruise for October of this year by himself without making ANY arrangements for his daughter, immediately after her passing (within three days) He spends every day and night with her to the point where children and youth services actually came to his house to investigate neglect of his 13-year-old daughter. He was leaving the house overnight for days on end and not leaving enough food. My husband, my in-laws and I took our niece to Niagara Falls on vacation with us during her birthday- her father not only didn’t object but told her to “let the dogs out when she got home” because he wasn’t going to be there overnight again (on her first birthday without her mom) He has gone on several vacations without her for days on end and when confronted by his 19 year old says “I’m not required to take her on vacations. He is now engaged to his girlfriend, who he plans to marry June 17th (3 days after their mother’s birthday). He has just recently announced the date less than two weeks ago. He hasn’t given the girls enough time to grieve their mother- but it seems like every time they start to be “okay enough” he rips the rug out from under them and they become emotionally shattered again. The whole side of the family is pissed off at him. He’s recently invited himself to Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws- who are WAY too nice to un-invite him, so I know they will bite the bullet. My real concern is whether or not he will be crass enough to bring his new fiancé, which is a hard line for my in-laws. I know they will say nothing because they are all about being “pleasant for the holidays,” but I KNOW it will be a VERY quiet first thanksgiving without their daughter if his new fiancé shows up uninvited- since he invited himself. My question is if he shows up with his new fiancé- who my in-laws have said several times is too sore a subject- should I be the one to say something? I don’t want me, in-laws, to go through ANY more pain and drama than they’ve been through already. I’ve done anything I could possibly think of to make them happy or at least less sad this year, including getting them kittens, offering to take care of their house when they’ve gone away. I talked and cried with them. I’m honestly coming from a place of pure love, and I just feel I want to be their shield for longer. I don’t think they’ll be upset if I said something, probably glad. And of course, I’ll be polite and tactful about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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Hes sound like a horrible selfish man they shouldn’t even invite him never mind her!!! Everyone else should be there and enjoy it… x

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Don’t. It’s not your place or your home. Unless they specifically ask you to.

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Someone needs to have a voice for all these people involved. He obviously has become self absorbed, selfish and had this gf long before his wife passed :cry:.

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I think a man in the family (maybe your husband or his father) needs to address him like a man for disrespecting their sister/daughter/cousin/whatever and her daughters. It sounds like everybody is scared of him for some reason… this is empowering him.

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I’m so sorry that this is happening to your family. It really is heartbreaking that he just moved on and what seems forgot he has children as well. It’s terrible for his daughter. I personally would have said something a long time ago. He’s disgusting for doing this. I’m certain his daughter wants to say something but is too afraid to do so. If you say something just be prepared for what will come next… only you and tour family will know what he’s capable of.

Id say something b4 thanks giving b4 he has a chance to upset the whole family

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He sounds like he is greiving and clinging to this new girl to cover his pain. Everyone greives differently and losing a spouse is one of the most difficult things someone can ever go through. He may not be in the right frame of mind to care for his children, or even himself.

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Maybe a brother should point out the obvious to him …

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You say nothing. It’s not your place to say anything. It’s not anyone’s place to say anything.
He’s grieving too.
Let it be.

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Some ppl just can’t be alone. He can’t or won’t deal with his wife’s death, so instead he jumps into a new relationship. What he is doing is not healthy at all. Honestly, I’d prob just take in the 14 yr old and give her as normal as possible life.
I would probably give him a preaching to on the damage he is doing to his daughter by just moving on like that & neglecting her, & if he doesn’t deal with the shock & grief NOW, then it will jump up & bite him in the ass in the future. But will he listen to any of that? Nope.

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That girlfriend isnt new to him, shes new to the rest of you. Seems they wrre dating while the wife was waiting to die. As cruel as it sounds. While it isn’t your place to say anything. If they start to make everyone feel extremely uncomfortable and no one says anything, I would. Make a snippy remark, enough to hurt but not enough to start a fight.

You already know what to do

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I’d mind your own business. Support your niece when you can but let the man grieve.

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Maybe something was going on behind the scenes before your SIL died. It might be that his grieving is making him act out different than you or I would. No matter the reason for his ‘sudden’ relationship, you and the family just need to be there for the young girl. Maybe even get custody. Seems like he thinks the girl is just in the way. He might even welcome the idea. She needs a stable environment. Best of luck.

If I were you I would talk to him prior to tomorrow. Dont do it at their house and cause a scene with an already hurt family. Call him on the phone and uninvite him and tell him the truth that all of his actions really are making everyone feel uncomfortable and hurt. He can do whatever he wants and possibly this is his way to grieve but hes going about it all wrong.

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I suspect the new girlfriend was already in the picture. I suggest your In Laws or your Husband and Yourself suggest raising the 14 year old if he agrees. Everything else although hurtful. It’s not anyone business how one grieves. And He should be uninvited for dinner.

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He sounds co dependent and like he cant function without a wife or gf. There are women the same way. Sadly these types never understand or see all the collateral damage around them.

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Maybe tell him ahead of time to not bring her, this way it’s not awkward on the actual day?

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Say it now…be loud and clear​:heart::pray:

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