My spouse doesn't help around the house and when he does he expects something in return: Help?

This post is for wives and girlfriends about appreciation and acknowledgment from spouses. I guess I’m just looking for a little advice or insight and other people’s experiences. I am a mom of 4 I work full time, and I take care of the house duties. I would say 98% of the time I feel underappreciated, and I don’t even receive acknowledgment for the things that I do from my spouse. Lately, I’ve been going through a lot of things in life, and I’ve been tired, and kind of down and haven’t really been putting as much effort forth with the house duties like I normally would. The other night I got kind of irritated and frustrated because I was just so tired I still had to cook dinner and get kids bathed and ready for bed. The house was trashed and needed to be picked up, and the dishes needed to be done, and the laundry needed to be folded and taken care of because the pile had gotten too big. Things, in general, just needed to be done. And my spouse was just sitting on his ass playing on his phone and watching TV. He said something to me, and I snipped at him. Of course, the world had ended because I did that. He’s a bit childish when it comes to things I say. Anyway I had gotten dinner done I got the kids fed I had started giving my youngest a bath, and he was in the kitchen and started doing the dishes because he knew I was irritated with his lack of help. When I got done giving my youngest a bath, I had taken him and got him dressed, and everything and my spouse comes to me and says I did the dishes for you. Now my first thought was not to thank you; it was more like you did the dishes for me? He says I did them to be nice. I said you did not do the dishes for me. I also said you did the dishes for the house because I certainly did not dirty all of those dishes you eat from them too. They’re just as much your responsibility as they are mine. So because I did not say thank you and show enough appreciation because nothing with him is ever free, there’s always a price for anything he does, he always expects something in return. I really don’t know what to do he has not once thanked me for anything I do in the house he never thanks me for cooking him dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house, taking care of kids, he doesn’t thank me for anything it makes me feel underappreciated but he does one thing and expects me to give him a bone like a dog for being a good boy like he wants a treat. And I know that sounds harsh I’m just so overwhelmed how do you appreciate something someone does for you or says it’s for you when it’s for selfish reasons just so they can get something for themselves? My children (i say my because I have three from a previous relationship and only one with him, he also has one child from a previous relationship that is with us during the week) thank me for everything under the sun. They always thank me for making them dinner, taking them out, cleaning the house, telling me it looks nice and doing their laundry — literally, anything I do. I feel so appreciated by my kids, but I don’t feel that way with my spouse. How do you ladies go unappreciated by your spouse? I can’t be the only one that goes through this. Please help.

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My ex was like this. “Aww come on I want sex”. No no, he can help clean up his mess too. I’m not his mother.

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Stop doing shit for him. Hes a big boy. He can help pick up, too. And if he cant, he can wash his own clothes and cook his own meals.

While we have no children. My ex was like this. I took it forever. He left me in the end but just know that there are good men out there. Mine currently cooks and cleans and does all the outside chores as well as takes care of the cars. All he asks of me daily is that I pack his lunch.

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Talk to him. It is very frustrating! It’ll piss you off and leaving you stewing in anger. Communicate this to him. Sit him down and just be open and downright honest. Sometimes it just boils down to making someone realize how much you are struggling and just how much appreciation means when you are feeling overwhelmed. Every time he does something for the house dont be like him tell him firmly thank you for contribuiting to the house and making things easier on me so I can be a better wife and mother, I really appreciate when you do things to help with our home. I know its hard to give credit to a man like that but that’s how we teach them to appreciate us. You’ll be amazed at how much men will do when they understand where you are coming from and you show them hey when someone does something helpful they deserve praise and a kind word. Thats also how we teach our kids how to be productive and kind. If after all your patience and understanding he still doesnt change tell him you are going to leave.

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Have you directly told him that you feel unappreciated and that you would like a “thank you” for the things you do? If not, then communicate instead of just getting snippy at him. If so, remind him of that when he wants a “thank you” for what he does.

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Its suppose to be a team. My ex did this shit too. All it did was break me down until I gave up on our relationship. He was cheating tho too. But the little things build up over time if they aren’t addressed. Try communicating with him about how you are feeling. That you’re overwhelmed. Its both of your lives, the house, kids, dinner, bills, work and so on, and that you need a partner not another child to take care of. He will do 1 of 2 things, he will try harder for you and your family or he will continue to do nothing. Pay attention to both. It says a lot.

Start cleaning ‘your’ mess, no one else’s. If the dishes aren’t ones you dirtied dont do them. If they aren’t your clothes dont wash them.
Last year I got tired of only me doing laundry so each person has their own basket when its full either you wash it or you run out of clothes. (Kids were 9 and 7). If dishes aren’t on counter when I do dishes YOU are responsible to get them clean.
I put my things away (clothes, coats, shoes, keys, etc) if your shit is all over the house it’s going in the garbage. Kids and husband learned fast to pick up their stuff.
Sometimes others need a little reminder of what moms day in and out. Theres been times where I have noticed I am the only one who does something so I stopped doing and guess what after awhile some else finally did it.

Have a serious conversation with him, if that doesn’t work I’d say just leave. It’s not worth it. I’m a stay at home mom of almost 14 years and i do everything around the house, and don’t even get a thank you. It seems like you have another child to care for, it shouldn’t be like that. There are other men out there that would treat you like the queen you are. Don’t stay and put up with that, that’s disrespectful on his part.

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Time to stop him down and show him how out of balance the work load is and that if he wants more from you then he needs to put more into helping maintain the home so you’re not so wiped out. Show him how you work just as much as him away from home so he needs to work just as much as you do in the home.

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Yeah, no.
I made it clear when we got married, “You eat…right? Your ass needs clean clothes? This will be a partnership or I can live alone.” 🤷
I’m crazy tho… When he acts crazy, I sleep naked and tell him not touch me. :rofl:
You aren’t the only adult. So, time for y’all to talk this out. And make it clear, you’re his wife, not his mom and this isn’t 1955.
It took some time and some arguing but I stopped doing shit for him. I did for me and the kids. When he had to make his own food, do his own laundry, etc… It finally clicked. I’m not the maid.

My advice : give up on feeling appreciated when you want it . Start looking at it like a compliment otherwise it’s a choke chain … this world doesn’t teach appreciation nor do they verbalize it .
Sometimes when I am cleaning house and I feel resentful I remind myself … the laundry needs to get done regardless same as dishes. single married kids no kids all these chores need to get done helps keep things in perspective.
Also I don’t tell myself I do this for my family instead I say I do this to uphold my house .

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With every relationship there’s give an take. You sound like you’re giving too much and he’s just taking. I’m a petty bitch sometimes but it works. If my husband falls short, I stop taking care of him because at that point, he’s stopped taking care of me. If he isn’t going to wash the laundry he wears or thank me for washing his, I’ll pick it out of the pile and leave it dirty. If he can’t help clean up dinner and wash the dishes he ate off of, he can eat microwave easy Mac or cup of noodles. I’m not his mom, and he cannot expect me to do everything for everyone with nothing in return. It’s a partnership.

Put on your big girl panties and have this conversation with him. Rather than getting pissed tell him what needs to be done and ask which chores he wants. Since you both work tell him the house/kids chores need to be 50/50, and he will get as much appreciation as he shows. You can’t have this convo while you’re mad or emotional.

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Marriage is also about communication too if you haven’t talked to him then clearly you need to he’s not a mind reader

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Let him know that you expect him to put as much effort into the family as you do. Marriage is a two person team and the sooner you let him know this, the sooner you can show him what you need him to do. Some men are raised with the mentality that taking care of the home is a woman’s job. I literally had to teach my husband everything he had been taught was not going to fly in our home. He was taught to be waited on like some king while a woman breaks her back serving him. Mmhmmm now he’s helping me 50/50 because he sees how much I do for our family.

I would have a talk with him and tell him he needs to help out around the house more. I would also tell him you want to feel appreciated more. I do sometimes thank my husband for helping out but he also thanks me when I clean or something. Now I don’t really need to hear a thank you but it’s still nice.

Tell him to get off his lazy ass and contribute to the house he lives in.

I am a mother of 5 and also work full time so does my husband. The only way things get done is through communication. In my house it’s 50/50. My kids also help. They have their daily chores. Alot of please and thank you’s.

He needs a real life lesson about expectation vs reality. Life is very fluid.