My step-daughters mom talks badly about their father: What should we do?

My Stepdaughters are always telling us how much their mother hates their father and regrets him. My fiancé and I have been together for five years, he has two daughters when we met, I had two kids, and together we have one toddler. When we first met and got together, he had been broken up with her for over a year. She was still very clingy until we finally made our relationship official. She saw that and moved on too, found herself a bf of which she is still with (5 years later), and is now expecting. But I just feel so overprotective when I hear so much negativity from my stepdaughters repeating what their mother tells them. The girls have a whole different impression of their father, they are 11 and 10, and they love their father to death. But I can’t understand why she holds such a grudge towards him. Yeah, he’s told me how much of an a-hole he was to her and how he cheated on her, and she was always still there but despite all that - when I came into the picture she was always perfectly fine with him until like I said, we made our relationship official. I just feel that no mother or father talk horribly about the other person and say all these hateful things. I have my ex-husband of which I never talk bad about to my kids. We have a good co-parenting relationship. Any issues that my ex and I had in the past is something between us adults and should be kept that way, not involve the kids and inform them of the hate you have towards him/her. My SD is growing up with the image that their mother hates their father and I think it’s horrible, I don’t expect her to say she loves him to the girls but have some respect at least. Keep those negative comments to yourself, and don’t involve your children in them. Any advice on how to handle it? Should my fiancé talk to her and bring it up to her attention, so maybe, just maybe, she can stop expressing herself like that to the girls?

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It sounds like your husband hasnt addressed the wrongdoings against his ex wife. What might help for the coparenting is if he admits to what he has previously done with her and hopefully heal the harm caused. Cheating and lying isnt just forgotten simply because he is married to you. His ex wife is probably worried if he lied to her he lies to the children. Mothers love their children.

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its hard as an outsider to say exactly how much pain he caused her and how much it still bothers her, she is allowed to hate their father for things he did to her. It shouldnt be discussed with the children, however depending on the context of the conversation, she should not have to lie to her children about what happened and the fact that she does not like their father. If a child is old enough to understand what cheating is and why its wrong and they ask why they arent together anymore, both parents should be honest about it.

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He treated her like shit, she hates him for it. No she shouldn’t talk to her children and influence their feelings for their dad over it. Sounds like they love him anyway. And have a good relationship with him. Do you think maybe being with you and treating you better than he treated her may be the cause of some of her resentment? She’s human and those feelings are natural, so believe me YOU can’t do or say anything to her that will make the situation any better. He needs to address how he treated her, sincerely apologize for it. Lay that hurt to rest. Maybe family counseling for all of you so you can Co parent well together.

Cheating isn’t something to gloss over, having been cheated on myself… you start to question your self worth, among other things… you start to distrust men in general because of one’s actions, and you can start to resent the person shattering your outlook on life. Does it make it okay to express those emotions on the children? Absolutely not. She should try therapy if she needs an express outlet… and this is between your fiance and her, don’t stir up more drama than neccessary by interfering. Especially if they have a co parent relationship. Let him handle his business, and let things be.

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I’d have a little gathering at park or public place comfortably n ask that question in front of all it involves!!! Some play games -lol for attention telling tales- some play one parent against the other ? FOR all involved I’d talk it over in front of everyone n see if something is just a misunderstanding ??

My advice is don’t get involved… The kids see what’s what & it will back fire on her as they get older & see she’s just bitter… My ex husband did the same thing & tried to turn our son against me…all it did was drive a wedge in their relationship… Now my son keeps his distance from his dad & told him straight out stop talking bad about my mom or we will have a problem …take the high road

Being your step daughter’s are at that age, they can now tell their own mother they don’t want to hear it. If it doesn’t stop then, that calls for a conversation. Hope he is being completely honest with you and that lies of his are not behind her attitude. You’re with someone that cheated. He can 100% cheat on you. You are not exception to that rule and hope that’s not the cause of this.

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It’s none of your business. Just listen and keep your mouth shut.

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That has nothing to do with you. Just let her talk

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Sounds like a stand up guy :neutral_face:. I will agree. No mother should be talking negative about the father of her children. Kids should never be in the middle. Resolving this issue stands with your husband. Sounds like he left a path of destruction. Some women endure so much damage that they have no idea how to keep it from affecting every aspect of their life. There are always consequences to one’s actions. I feel for these kids. How horrible to be put in the middle.

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Gotta love your kids more than you hate your ex. Anything less is a major sign of immaturity.

Take her to court and have a court order to get her to stop and get kids in counseling. Going through the same here.

She really does need to stop that. I get why she WOULD hate him, but it’s never okay to involve children in issues like that. Atleast he is a father to her children instead of just abandoning them. She needs to just look at it like that, and heal herself.

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he should talk to them. Tell them he’s sorry their mother feels that way, but he has accepted it, and he’s trying to be a great dad and he’s happy they love him. And continue to be a great dad. Don’t talk crap about her, and move on. They will realize eventually what their mother is, and what she’s tried to do….it’s gonna bite her in the ass. But that’s her fault, and her problem.

I always told my step son that grown peoples relationships and issues are not his concern and that anything we deal w as grown ups and parents will not always vibe but it doesn’t make a difference how we feel about each other. The fact we all love him and that’s all that he needs to involve himself w

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I deal with this as well. Some people never grow up. You can’t change people. Just hope they change themselves and see how selfish they are being.

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it is horrible my husband’s ex-wife used to do the same thing to me and to him the reason she’s upset because you guys made it official is because he wouldn’t do that to you but he did it to her and she still heard about it there’s nothing you can do about that she has to heal that on her own. the kids are old enough to know that their dad is not a bad person and while it’s not right there’s definitely not going to be any changing it because nobody can heal her but herself. just let him keep being a good father to the kids and that’ll just show his truth as they get older they’ll keep forming about the opinion about their dad and they’re going to form an opinion eventually about their mother and she’s going to have to deal with that.

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Honestly, she should’ve been over him and what he did or whatever the issue is a LONG time ago! The only topic that should be conversed between the two is regarding ONLY the kids.

Maybe you bring it up to her? Because I assume if he does she would be the dramatic type & start arguing…

TBH it sounds like she’s jealous and likely moved on just because she thinks it would make herself look better, but you’re right. Kids don’t need to be involved in adult conflict. My parents are divorced and that type of behavior will always affect you. My dad never really talked about her but she was relentless about saying how much she hated him and how sorry of a husband he was. Always in front of me and our family. It hurt because she made me feel like I was betraying her every time I went over there because of the horrible things she would say about him. It took me years to release how toxic she was.