My wife has been battling depression for years, I honeslty don't know what to do anymore: Advice?

I know this is a mom page, I am a dad and desperately need help. Let me first start out by saying that I, in no way, shape, or form, mean anything negative by writing this. I am incredibly sorry if I come off in a harsh way. I honestly do not know how even to put this, and I really am at my wit’s end. I am married. I have been married to my wife for six years. We have three beautiful kids together, two girls and a boy. I am in the military, so my job is very demanding. A lot of times, I am working late. For the past four years, my wife has been struggling with depression and anxiety. Since day 1, I have been there for her. I have helped her, take her to appointments, listened to her vent, I have been that shoulder, and have always been supportive of her. I do not take mental illness lightly. But at what point does this end? I work long hours. I come home and clean my house, take care of my kids, make dinner, and ensure everything is taken care of for her. And the past four years, I have done this all with a smile on my face. I never once complained because I knew she was going through something hard. But here lately, I feel like she is faking it just to be lazy. I feel horrible for saying that, but I have honestly had enough. I now feel like she is taking advantage of my kindness and support. She literally does nothing all day. She sits on her phone and constantly yells at our children; I really fear they are starting to feel some type of way because of how she treats them. She constantly says she doesn’t want to be a mom, or how she cannot stand our kids TO THEIR FACE. I pay for daycare even though she stays home, three days out of the week they are with a babysitter. I don’t know what else I can do. She is never happy. I’ve gotten her all of the help that I possibly can. But unfortunately, now I am spread thin and have nothing left to give. I am starting to resent this woman that I was once in love with. I can’t keep coming home to her constant nagging, complaining about the kids, the house being trash, and making dinner for our kids. She doesn’t even feed them anything of nutrients throughout the day, just sugary snacks. I really fear our kids will have these issues because of her. What else can I do? Am I a horrible person to have these feelings? No one ever talks about this part of depression. Thanks for reading.

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For one thing, don’t make anymore kids with her.

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Honestly, I’d leave and take the children. If shes using depression as an excuse to be lazy and doesnt even want to be a mother theres no point in trying to make it work, especially if shes already getting help for the depression.

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I have depression and anxiety I still get up and clean my house and take care of my kids and never ever take my issues out on my children or my husband

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That is so hard. You have done very well. I hope things work out for you.

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honestly it doesnt sound like shes faking it. She really should get some help.

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She needs a hobby, something to bring her joy and motivation. Im sorry she treats the babies bad, that is very sad. Good thing they go to daycare/babysitter sometimes. You keep being the amazing dad you are and do whatever makes you happy. Have a talk with her. Best of Luck :heart:

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You have been the rock and she hasn’t really done anything to improve her mental health. She needs something to focus her energy on maybe go back to school or get a job.
I’d tell her if she doesn’t want to be a mom maybe it’s time to split up and you take the kids as your the sole caretaker anyways.
She’s going to regret her behavior towards her kids one day and she will only get worse if she doesn’t have any goals of her own.
Her behavior can and will affect the kids especially saying the things she does to their faces.
It’s time she gets strong on her own because she shouldn’t be depending on you this much. She needs tk be her own person or she will never feel better

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Stop enabling her Get her medical help if she chooses not to get help it sounds like you are doing it on your own anyway. She is damaging your kids the way she is.

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You need to sit down with her and set up some healthy boundaries and expectations of her. She needs to be cleaning, cooking, feeding the kids properly ect. And if staying home isn’t her thing its time for her to start working or going to school.

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For every moment you do have make her feel important. If there is a way get her involved in something. Have friends visit, which is tough on a base.

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She needs to get a job or get into therapy for her issues. You sound like you’re doing everything right. Could you have a talk with her or set up some kind of appt for her? I’m sorry but that shit is ridiculous you pay for daycare for her to sit around and be a miserable person that ain’t right. I have depression and anxiety, also stay at home mom, husband is military, but I take medication and do my duties and treat everyone with respect in my family. I don’t drag people down with my issues I’m tackling them head on. She needs to woman up and stop being a dependa because I’m sorry but that what she fucking sounds like. Contributing nothing except a negative attitude. Please get her to see a therapist and possibly start medication. You don’t deserve this neither do your children. She needs to face her problems and take care of her family. You work hard for your family she needs to do the same by taking care of herself so she can properly care for her family or work or do SOMETHING besides be a leech. If you think she’s beyond help it may be time to leave her. And there’s nothing wrong that. You can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped unfortunately but don’t put your kids through any more of her shit please. Consult with your command for resources I believe there’s free programs that can be utilized to help you navigate this as well, discreetly too.

It sounds to me like she’s become accustomed to the living dynamic. I’ve been in a situation in the past that ended badly. Honestly you will get to the point where something will break the straw on the camel’s back and you won’t be able to care anymore after that. You need to take into consideration your mental and emotional well being as well… As well as your children. Honestly a lot of people do suffer from depression and anxiety. Some genuinely milk it though. I know some will get mad at this… but it is very true.

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She needs to do something with her life outside of motherhood. Why not tell her your thoughts. Suggest marriage counseling and see if she’s open for change. My thoughts are she has ppd. I doubt she hates motherhood, she is probably just in a rut and a real bad spot. And it spills out in ugly ways. Stop having kids with her and let her body heal. Start prioritizing your relationship and insist she get help with you.

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Caretaker burnout is a real thing. Is she seeking counseling? It sounds like something that would benefit both of you.
Dont buy/ allow sugary snacks in the house and she won’t be able to rely on them during the day. Have an honest conversation during a moment of peace, not during or right after an argument, about the toll this is taking on you and the kids. Reassure that you understand her mental illness but that she needs to work a little harder at pushing through it because its affecting everyone else around her. She needs to find a reason to get up and motivated. Gym, hobby, something that would get her moving. As someone with depression myself I understand all too well the feeling of wanting to lay there on my phone and do sweet f all. But as mothers we can’t take that liberty all the time.
If all else fails, you should look into a safety plan to take the kids and get her help. Good luck, sending positive vibes to you

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Maybe it’s time to take care of you. I would recommend a great family therapist for all of you. Just because she struggles does not mean that it’s not your job to protect your kids from the effects. I could not live like this with my kids not being properly treated. She needs to know that even with mental illnesses you have to learn boundaries and how to cope with life. Your resentment will only grow if this keeps up.

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Try talking to her and tell her how you feel and maybe mention couples therapy. My husband and myself did that when my son was about 1yr old. Maybe she needs someone else to talk to and maybe that will help her get out of the funk she sounds like she’s in.

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Thank you for your service…you are a hero. I mean I’m a guy too. . But maybe he loves this woman. And marriage is not a just quit and run kinda thing. Shame on you ladies for telling him to bounce out. No sir… maybe get a sitter (possibly either set of your parents ) . And take momma out for a few days …to a sweet vacation. . Somewhere she would like to go unwind. . Show her how appreciated she is. I don’t understand. How this day and age (I’m only 36) that #1 solution from everyone I’m reading here …is leave her and take the kids.

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There is only so much you can do

Sounds like it’s how she wants it and it’s time to leave. I know it sucks but neither you or the kids deserve that.