Need advice about my relationship with my partner

Mommas,
I need some advice. I came to you guys about my miscarriage a few months ago. Long story short my partner and I have no children together. We have two babies but they’re both from past partners. I need advice on how to approach my situation with my partner about how he’s made me feel very uncomfortable in the past couple weeks. I ended up secretly getting on birth control because after my miscarriage he and I ended up getting to business and long story short due to his reaction of the thought of us having a baby with the two we have sent him over and he asked me to take a plan B. I agreed simply because I believe it should be a decision between both partners and if he wasn’t ready then we needed to wait. However I got on birth control to prevent this from happening again. Well lately I’ve noticed in increase in how much he talks to the mother of his child. You have to understand he’s barely even acknowledged I just lost a baby. They talk all day about their daughter and of course I love that little girl and am glad they talk about her. However we’ve been having issues. Especially because I am expected to help raise their daughter but I have no say in what happens when she smacks my 11 month old son. I ask them if we can start time out just because she needs to learn she can’t hit and snatch toys from other babies. Well it turned into a huge conflict of him telling me I have no right to tell him how to discipline her and stuff and I understand and respect that. However I feel he needs to find someone to watch her then when he’s not home because it’s completely unfair I have to put my son in a pack in play or in his crib away from her because she doesn’t understand to share. He defends his baby mom over me all the time. It’s hard because he tells me he loves me, that the baby we lost matters. But then he does these things and it makes me feel like his heart is in another woman’s hands and not mine. Am I overreacting and overthinking because of the miscarriage and I just feel self conscious about myself? Or are these red flags that I should be concerned about?
PSA: I love his child, she’s a wonderful and bright little girl. She’s just 2 and has never been around other kids and she has smacked my 11month old really really hard several times and her dad allows it and gets upset with me because she hits him and she’ll leave bruises on him. She shoves him down off of toys or snatches them from him and he falls. I don’t think she’s an awful child I just feel maybe they should try sitting her in a chair in time out for 2 mins and explain to her what she’s doing wrong. She’s almost 3 years old. She has to learn hitting other kids is not okay… I don’t want her to get into trouble at preschool or something.

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So are you watching her alone or is her father around? If you are watching her for him and his ex. I would implement the time out on your own. They are going to do that at school without permission from parents. You have to have some form of discipline. This is the most effective with little overstepping. In order to have a healthy environment for you, your child and his daughter, discipline is important. You will do the same with your own so it isn’t like you are picking on just one child.

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I watch her alone a lot of times due to her dads work schedule. I’ve talked with dad and mom about me sitting her in time out on my own for short periods of time. Well her dad and mother both told me no and that I have no right. So I’m at a cross path. He expects me to do the work, but I’m very limited with what I’m actually aloud to do. It would be easier if he could agree with me about it but he always sides with his daughters mother and that’s fine. But I feel like he needs to find a new babysitter for her when it’s just me alone with her because it isn’t fair to my son that she hits him all the time.

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Im sorry, but if you’re watching their child you have every right to discipline her when they aren’t there. If this relationship is serious enough to be living together and watching each other’s children than you are in a step parent role, and to me if you are just as involved in everyday responsibilities than you should also be involved in decision making. And when it comes to her hitting your child THAT is your business and responsibility to protect them and teach her it’s not ok. :woman_shrugging: simple as that or walk away. If something doesn’t change soon, it never will. And this will be what it is like for the rest of your lives together.

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I wouldn’t baby sit for them if they couldn’t respect you or your child. Don’t have to treat his kid as your own since he obviously isn’t treating yours as his.

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Wow. That is crazy, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I have worked at day cares and babysat many children. I have always put the child in time out based on their age when they had done something unacceptable. I never asked the parents if I could, but I did let them know when they came to get their little one that their child was in time out, why and for how long. Children have to learn consequences for their actions. I understand she is little, and your in a complicated situation. My only advice I can think of is if you can sit down with both of them and ask what is acceptable form of punishment or suggest a daycare.

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I believe you should be able to discipline her. You are married to her dad. You take care of her, you help raise her. She needs to understand that she can’t do that. She’s not going to learn until someone steps in to do time out. Talk to your husband and his baby mom. Something needs to be done. Also, I’m sorry about your miscarriage. :frowning:

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If you two are together in a serious relationship then he should treat your 11 month old as his own as well. He should be worried about your child getting hurt and letter his girl know that’s not okay to hit/push/take toys away. A serious talk needs to happen. Let him know by no means do you want him to pick your child over his. But for him to treat your child like it’s his own. A 2 almost 3 year old should not be hitting. I have a 2 year old with a 4 month old and she has tried to hit him maybe 3 time and each time I would pop her hand and tell her no no you have to be easy love the baby. And it helped so much. But the dad needs to step up and show his daughter what is okay and what isn’t. If he’s not gonna help put a stop to it I would get him to get a babysitter so your child can breathe

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Honestly there is nothing to talk about. If you are watching her you have every right to give time out. Otherwise they can find someone else and I guarantee you that whoever they get will give their own discipline. It’s not a question of if you are allowed. They aren’t there to see what you do or don’t do and like I said before, if they use a daycare or when their child goes to school discipline is given without parental consent. Do what you have to do when you are alone babysitting. Don’t talk or ask anything of them.

If you two are together in a serious relationship then he should treat your 11 month old as his own as well. He should be worried about your child getting hurt and letter his girl know that’s not okay to hit/push/take toys away. A serious talk needs to happen. Let him know by no means do you want him to pick your child over his. But for him to treat your child like it’s his own. A 2 almost 3 year old should not be hitting. I have a 2 year old with a 4 month old and she has tried to hit him maybe 3 time and each time I would pop her hand and tell her no no you have to be easy love the baby. And it helped so much. But the dad needs to step up and show his daughter what is okay and what isn’t. If he’s not gonna help put a stop to it I would get him to get a babysitter so your child can breathe