Needing advice about meeting my kids future step mother

I’m meeting my kid’s future stepmother for the first time, and I need any and all advice!? A little of the backstory: I was married for six years, and he left me twice, once while I was seven months pregnant and then again when I was newly pregnant with my third baby. He has only met his own son one time (and he’s almost 3!). My ex lives in a different state about 14 hours away and has literally called his kids two times in the past year. So I HATE this man, needless to say, although I am very happy now and have been dating a really great man for over two years now. Anyways my ex and his new fiancé are coming to my oldest daughter’s birthday party next month, and I don’t know what I should talk about with this chic I clearly don’t like but want to be civil. I’m bipolar, so I need all the help I can get! I know nothing about her and don’t know what appropriate questions are to ask before I let my kids spend time with her. I have full custody, but my ex has visiting rights with no nights. I’m trying to keep an open mind here, but I just feel in my heart that this girl is the reason my ex forgets he has children, and IDK how someone could marry a man that can’t even love his own children. That’s all I can come up with to say, and I know that’s not the right thing. Help?!

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Keep an open mind. She might be the reason he’s actually making an effort and is coming to the party. You never really know until you meet her. Treat her like the girlfriend/fiancee of a casual acquaintance at first. Ho how are you, tell me about yourself l. Keep it light, friendly and non confrontational

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Don’t assume she is the problem unless you know she is

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A father never forgets he has children. That’s his choice to not check up on them. If he truly wanted to see them, he would no matter what the gf says. PERIOD!

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Yeah, if you don’t know her, you don’t know that you don’t like her :woman_shrugging:t2: she might be a really nice woman. And I think she might be a big reason for your ex’s new efforts. Give her a chance. Help expand your children’s family, if you can :slight_smile: just keep it light. Introduce your boyfriend too. All of you should sit down and just get to know each other!

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You can’t blame her for his actions who knows what he tells her. But I don’t think this talk should be done at the party. I would keep the conversation very basic and let your daughter enjoy her day. If they are staying the night around the area I would set something up the next day.

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New fiance … cha ching , either he is trying to impress her or maybe he has grown up some .

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Honestly, she could be the reason he’s even trying. My father wanted pretty much nothing to do with me, but his girlfriend (now ex girlfriend, and mother of his other kids) did her best to make him step up and be a dad to me when she found out my mom had died in an accident. To this day I call her mom and she’s always reminding me that I’m her child no matter what. I call my father Roger.

All I’m really saying is give her a chance, get to know her before anything. I know it can be difficult. Me and my ex boyfriend have two kids together, but if he finds someone else I’m willing to get to know the person, especially if they’ll be around my kids and I’m not a people person.

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Focus on the kids activities. Just the kids and if it gets hot say simply if you want to talk about the kids great otherwise there’s nothing to say. You’ll be fine. You don’t have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. Also you’d be surprised at the woman out there my ex gf when he quit paying child support actually tried to say yeah o got one of those too my ex don’t pay shit. Funny bevaose he did before he started dating you and you told him not too. Some woman are amazing people. Not.

It doesn’t have to be a bad relationship. Regardless of how your relationship with your ex ended, the fact is that it did end. You are happy. If he is happy with her, be happy for them. This is a person who will be in your children’s life. Make it a good relationship for the kid’s sake. My husband and I used to keep my ex husbands new wife’s kids overnight because they both worked nights. You can handle it however you see fit. I chose to not be bitter, if it wasn’t her who caused him to leave, it would have been someone else- this is how I looked at it. I say good luck to her, but be happy in your own relationship and don’t worry about theirs. Best of luck to you!

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Omg… I swear we were married to the same guy!
Anyways, I was in this situation not too long ago. My ex has been with his woman for 5 years now! I didn’t meet her or even care to for the first few years because well… they weren’t around and so it wasn’t needed. Short story is she has encouraged him to have a healthy relationship with his children and so they (really her) started with small communication with me. Our Kids are 11 with autism and 7. She wanted to know everything there was to know about autism and asked me for some reliable sources and started researching about all things one could read up on about it. I gave her mad respect for that! The last 2 years she has arranged all the summer planning for them to go out to them and Christmas vacation. She really took Initiative and some serious steps to gain my trust to know that she not only cares about the kids but respects me as well! We have a great relationship and I couldn’t be more thankful that our kids have her! All I could want for them is to respect her and be loved by her! I’m a lucky one in that aspect! Now my ex on the other hand, haven’t spoken with him in a year and I’m not even mad about it…
so… in short- give her a chance, you never know, she could be a blessing!!! Good luck ma! :purple_heart:

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Best advice be the best role model for your kids

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Please be kind unless she gives you reason not to be. Focus on the party and your child’s happiness and the visit will be a success. Treat her like you’d treat any other guest you don’t know, like a parent of a new friend your child invited. The birthday isn’t the proper time for “let’s talk serious”. Maybe make that clear to your ex before he arrives?

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Well he hasn’t seen his children in 3 years and he’s coming around now so maybe she’s good for him? I wouldn’t refer to any part of your relationship with him and focus on things you and her have in common along with the kids.

If you don’t know her then you can’t dislike her really. Be polite, make small talk like you would with anyone else new you meet in a circle of friends. Get to know a bit about her like you would a new friend. Be friendly with her and happy. She maybe the one that made your ex see sense and come to his child’s birthday seeing as it sounds like he doesn’t make any effort normally? Give her a chance. She could be a wonderful woman who can help your ex be a better father and you maybe thankful she’s in your children’s lives as when they’re together, you know they’ll be happy, safe and having fun as you dont wish them to be miserable do you?

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Don’t assume she is the problem.
He has a brain and is a grown man who knows he has children. It is his fault, Don’t blame it on her just because she is engaged to your ex.

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PAUSE! Uh, you’re wondering what kind of woman can marry a man that can’t love his own children?:thinking: I’m wondering what kind of DAMN FOOL would get knocked up AGAIN by a man that left her while she was pregnant with a previous child. Next you want to place blame on this woman because your trifling ass ex-husband doesn’t want to see his kids? If you’re so happy in your new relationship, why are you so bitter that your ex moved on? You don’t like a woman that you never met because your ex is a deadbeat?

I would of never invited him…

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It’s not right to blame her. Even though he doesn’t see the kids much doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to be happy with someone else. Just introduce yourself and ask her how she’s doing. You could also talk about your daughter to her. You could try casually bringing up you’d like to see more of them more often.

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He treated you like crap- god knows what lies he is telling her. Look at how you can show her how kind you are. How you only want a positive relationship for the benefit of the little ones. She is not your enemy and one day she will most likely be in the same space he put you in.

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