Needing advice on how to handle this situation with my mother in law

I had my 1st daughter before I met my fiancé. It is not the typical I got pregnant by some guy, and we just broke up or whatever. The biological father cannot and has never been present. So anyway, I had raised my daughter with the help of my parents and met my fiancé when she was almost three. Right away, we met each other’s families, and even my daughter met everyone. Fast forward to now, we had a daughter together. And everyone on both sides of the family was super happy. This was the 3rd grandbaby in my family and first in theirs. So I can understand the excitement when it came to his family. Well, ever since I’ve had my second daughter, His mom was getting upset about certain things like how we weren’t letting her go stay for days at a time even though she was like two months old. I was nervous about it and felt like she was too little to be staying with anyone, but she saw it as me keeping her to myself. Anyways now things haven’t exactly changed I have let her go stay as a matter of fact she’s never stayed anywhere but with his mom. But when it comes to my first daughter, she barely tries with her. She’s asked to stay a few times, but his mom just kind of laughed like aw how silly, but right away, I’d say no that’s okay baby maybe next time because I felt like she wouldn’t stay and also that she didn’t want her to stay. Well, now my oldest thinks that only my youngest is allowed to stay or be watched by her. If we have a date night, she’ll say oh okay, mom, sister can go stay with her grandma, and I can stay with grandma. Anyways it hurts me that she already notices that there’s a difference between them. And there have been discussions in the past where I did ask her if she was willing to accept my child and she said of course she would but that she didn’t know how to be a grandmother and that was why she wasn’t there for her or wouldn’t try with her. Well, now the other day, I found out that she said she could never love my oldest like she does my youngest. And it hurt me a lot to think about how she thinks she’ll never love her the same. And I know it’s hard for some people to accept, but I just don’t know what to do now how do I just accept that? And I’ve known it’s been different since my youngest was born because there was never any toys or anything kid related at her house until my youngest was born and she literally had just as many toys as I did at my house for her. And every time we’d go there was new toys or clothes that apparently she had bought even before she was born, and my oldest would tell me, mom, why does sister have toys there and not me and I would just say well we take your toys because you like to take certain dolls. I don’t know what to do about it. I see my daughter getting hurt now and in the future, and sometimes I feel like my oldest will start to resent her little sister because she is treated differently with that side of the family, and with mine, she knows that they get treated the same. I feel hurt for my daughter and want to cut her out of her life, but then I know it’s not fair to my youngest. My fiancé feels like we should force my daughter onto them, and they’ll just have to accept it, but I’m afraid they’ll be frustrated with her and only include her in stuff because they have to. I Don’t know what to do, but I feel like it’s tearing my family apart. I don’t want to see my daughters hurt. And my oldest only knows my fiancé as her dad, and I’m afraid if this gets any further or worse she’ll soon start asking questions as to why it’s different and why is it not the same between her and her sister and one thing will lead to another and then to the fact that he isn’t her real father. Please give me some advice.

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Fuck your in law it’s about your child be a Mom. you owe nobody an explanation

Don’t let your baby go anywhere without you

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I’d cut her off until she treats both children the same ! That is unacceptable. Treat them the same or don’t bother with them. It’s not fair

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First off you need to be honest with your child about who her father is and make it clear that they were not around her as a baby and the sister is their first grandchild. There is a difference because one child is their blood family and the other is not. The sooner you make that clear the easier it will be. I would make it clear tho that they are siblings and if one is coming the other is too, but if you have already allowed them to only take one that will be hard to enforce.

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If they can not accept your older daughter as well they exit your life. If they talk with you and figure things out, bye! That is y’all child not theirs. Do what is best for your little family.

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Sit down with grandma tell her your youngest is not
Going unless you take both of them stand up for your child

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I would tell your mother in law it’s both or none! And she needs to start treating the oldest just the same as the younger one because she is noticing and it’s not fair to her.

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In my opinion, if she cant accept all your children, she doesnt get to spend time with any of them. It’s not ok for your daughters to be treated that way.

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Grandma would be ousted

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In this situation, I would explain that until they can be accepted and loved equally, NOBODY is going to stay with her. My husbands family was the same way. Some of them only came to my youngest sons birthday but refused to come to my oldest sons (from my previous marriage). I slammed my foot down real quick and let them all know that if they can’t be treated and loved the same then they won’t have a relationship with any of my children. It took a while of me holding my ground but they eventually saw I was serious and that my husband backed me 100% and they changed.

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It’s time for you and you soon to be husband to set them down at the table with the kids at your mom’s and have a talk lay down some rules like if you get for one you must get for both or neither of them will get anything from his side of the family don’t tell or scream talk in normal voices so they don’t feel they are getting attack have your soon to be hubby put his foot down if they don’t treat both the same they don’t see either of them

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Don’t let your younger child go to your in laws any more… explain that your family is now going to do bonding with BOTH kids

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Eventually you will have to tell her the truth about her father, first thing YOU can’t and shouldn’t force ANYONE to love your child. Reality is that’s not her grandchild and no matter how much she cares for your child the Love she feels for your 2 kids will never be the same. You need to love your first kid and build her up SO high that she won’t need or care for others affection.

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That’s a really hard situation to be in. Your fiancé needs to say something to his mother. Her behavior is completely childish. Children cannot help where they come from and should never be left out or treated differently. If she can’t change her behavior then personally I would not allow her around either one of my children. At all. You are 100% correct, your oldest daughter will begin to question why she is treated differently. And that isn’t ok to do to her or your family.

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No normal human being would do this. Tell them u come as a package. They don’t treat her as one they’ll have to be cut out full stop. Of they can hurt n say things about your daughter u can make it clear that its unacceptable. X

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Personally I don’t think she has to love your daughter that isn’t blood related as much as she loves her sister who is.
It’s like being a step mum also yes you love your partners kids but the love is nothing like your own kids.

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Talk to your future mother-in-law about it. Explain that your oldest daughter is noticing the differences in how they are treated and that it hurts her, because she she sees her as her grandma.

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Save yourself future heartaches don’t let the little one stay without her sister, if she’s not gonna treat them all the same. Also you can’t force people to feel a certain way! This is a tough one. If someone is being like that I wouldn’t let any of my children stay. Keep your distance but your fiancé is not wrong though if you “feel” like they “have” to include her that’s fine too as long as they don’t start treating her bad or start complaining about her being there, maybe it’ll be a good thing because they’ll get attached to her and grow to love her! I know it sucks because they know exactly they are doing so start with what your fiancé said, I would. It’s Ridiculous the way they’re acting.

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Considering your MIL has raised children, she knows exactly how to be a grandmother. You could also point out that if she doesn’t know how to be a grandma, why is she willing to have the other? It is just wrong how she is treating your oldest, and she knows it.

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