Should I cut ties with my mother?

I really need someone to vent to because I’m too ashamed to talk about anyone close to me about it. My mother is addicted to pills. I mean, she can’t go a single day without them. I try to have a close relationship with her, but it’s always hit and miss on what kind of mood she will be in. If it’s been more than a day since she’s had them, then she’s so cold to me. She doesn’t care to ask about her grandchildren. She only cares to talk to me or speak nicely to me when she has pills. I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of crying and wondering how I’ll explain to my children why she only cares about them some of the time. Part of me wants to cut ties completely, but another part of me is saying that it’s my mom, and I should do what I can and look past the flaws and try to have a relationship with her anyway. My heart is so broken. Has anyone been in a similar situation that can give me some advice? Thank you in advance

74 Likes

Having a family member that struggles with addiction is not easy. I wouldn’t recommend facebook to make a decision regarding your relationship with your mother. I would suggest seeking professional help (maybe a psychologist that specializes in addiction) that will help you approach the sitation with your mom. Therapy is not only for the person with the addiction but for the family members as well. Wish you all the best!

Addiction is a terrible disease that robs the person of who they truly are and impacts their loved ones of the relationships they desire with their family. Its a difficult place to be in. Id suggest a therapist to help you process the situation, NarAnon is a great source of support for family members of addicts. There is a website to help you find NarAnon meetings in your area. Theres nothing wrong with creating boundaries and sticking by them - only you can choose what those boundaries are.

1 Like

“The pills” are a symptom. The problem has yet to be identified. Your mother needs to be seen by a qualified Psychiatrist if for no other reason, to find out what the problem actually is.

1 Like

Unfortunately, we can’t make anyone be what they don’t want to be. Even if they’re a mother.
You can offer her help ( get into therapy and go to a rehab), let her know you an the kid’s love her. But, if she doesn’t want to help herself. There isn’t much you can do.
Let your children know, grandma has a disease an the way she acts sometimes is b.c of the sickness.
Put up boundaries with your mom an dont enable her. You can try a intervention. Could help, could make her mad for awhile.
You just do what you can til/if her unwillingness to fix herself is draining the life out of you. Then you have to walk away.
Prayers​:pray::orange_heart:

1 Like

I cut mine off and am so much happier because of it. Yeah I get flack about it because she gave birth to me but I don’t settle when it comes to my inner peace. The hurt and pain isn’t worth it and I let that woman be happy with what makes her happy. It clearly wasn’t me!

Maybe help her to get rid of her addiction

1 Like

Yes this is going to sound a little harsh im sorry but this is a situation you cant candy coat things. A moms choice is never easy, especially when it comes to our own parents. You have kids of your own so you have to start asking the hard questions. Do you want your kids around drug use? Do you want them to think that your ok with it and whats going on? Being your mom or not you have to ask that. Then you need to sit and maybe having a intervention with her. But being scared of talking to her about it isnt helping anyone. You have to talk to her. Do you have other siblings? If so sit her down. If you dont know about pain pills they screw with your brain chemicals bad. The only reason shes happy on them is bc they give out false “happy feelings” when shes coming off that is all gone. I know its your mom, so its time to have that talk with her. The time for ignoring is over. If she cant or doesnt want to get help then you should take the steps to keep your kids safe and i would let her know that what shes doing is effecting your kids. She may need your help in opening her eyes. Do your homework about treatments for her in and out patient. Please dont go in this blind. Have your ducks in a row. It will be the hardest talk you will ever have with your mom. But you got to try. If not you will always have the “what ifs”.

6 Likes

Please just leave her be. I was an addict once and nothing will make you change unless you really really want to. Cut ties and see how long it takes before you talk to her again, and i bet it will only be when SHE needs something, not you. She will never come through if she is still addicted

6 Likes

She’s an addict and you cannot help an addict until she wants the help. My mother has been an addict my whole life and we’ve tried to help her A LOT. She always reverts back and forth so I set boundaries. It’s hard but I can’t fight the addiction for her, and she’s not either. She currently lives under a bridge in Houston. We speak occasionally and I pray for her daily but I’m waiting on a call saying she’s no longer here :sob:

Yes, exact same with my mom, add bipolar, and schizophrenia to the soup. As she ages she becomes more abrasive and unpredictable.
When my children were young, and old enough to ask why. She was sneakily abusive (verbal, physically) to my littles when I was not in the same room, or when my back was turned.
My therapist helped me understand that this is her mixed up physcolical bubble not mine.
My first priority is to protect myself, and then my children, (think oxygen masks dropping on a plane).
Parameters!!! You set them for your children, and now like a child you must set them for your mother.
You control your interaction, not her. If she’s unable (which honestly addiction does that) to stay within those parameters. Here’s my mantra. I’ve been saying it for over 12 years. I taught my children, and gave them the power to eye lock that “mean pinching Gramma”, and take, and own their power. Something wonderful happens when you hear your 6 year old say with conviction.
“This is NOT acceptable. Maybe next time you can try again”.
That’s it. You hang up, leave her house, walk away. Whatever action ends that interaction.
I kid you not, my children would look at me and say, “its time to leave mom”.
Without batting an eye, we’d pack up and leave. We’ve left parks, family events, restaurants. Didn’t matter we created the narrative not her.
At first, my mom would pitch a HUGE dramatic fit, call my children, and me every kind of UGLY… just spewing HATE!!! Leaving her embarrassed and fighting with whomever was left in the circumstance.
NOT ONE of my children (now grown) choose to interact with her, or allow any access to their children. I can only FaceTime a couple times a month, and then its a crap shoot.
There is only 1 of 5 siblings that puts up with her. He’s the oldest, has Asbergers and somehow manages to co exist with her.
Being an adult child of this trauma is the real deal. PTSD is lifelong, and that cycle carries so much responsibility. As a parent, I had to be brave enough to show my children that I deserve better than what I was raised with. To this day, its the single most empowering moment of each of their memories when my mother is concerned. I get to be the proud mama, when they say thank you mom​:smiling_face_with_three_hearts::revolving_hearts:.

Speaking from experience hon just cut ties.

1 Like

That whole post is about you. How about trying to help your mother instead of complaining about how it makes YOU feel if she is cold to you or doesn’t ask a particular question. I wonder if you realise how self centered you sound.
Help your mother, dont judge her.

8 Likes

Why does that affect your relationship if she takes pills ?

Cut ties. Tell her you will be happy to have a relationship when she stops the drugs or is ready to get help but not before.

1 Like

You need to put yourself and your children first. It will take time and you will probably cry lots but in the long run, you need to think of yourself and how your kids are seeing this situation.
As for your family around you, they don’t need to understand your choices. It’s a hard thing to cut out any parent out. Good luck with your decision

2 Likes

While you’re talking to her, maybe give her the ultimatum of cutting back on pills and seeking help to stop completely or she wont have a future with her grandchildren. Ask her whats more important.

Does she have any brothers or sisters that can get her some help. Just a thought. Maybe they could get her admitted. That way she can get the help she needs. It’s call tuff love. Because it is.

I hardly talk to my mom because of drugs and drinking. Because I deserve better then the no effort she puts in… and I’m fine with it…

1 Like

Maybe try to get mom help. I’m sure you have before and it’s not easy. She needs to realize she has a problem and it’s affecting her family. It’s definitely hard when it’s your mom, I definitely wouldn’t cut all ties but maybe keep your distance a little more.