QUESTION:

"I just recently found out my teenage daughter had sex. She denied it at first but ended up telling me the truth. I got so angry, disappointed, worried ugh so many emotions all at once. She said it was a mistake and she regrets it.

I had had the sex talk with her before because I got pregnant with her at a very young age and don’t want that future for her. She did tell me they used protection, but at this point, IDK whether to believe it or not. Having said that, I now have to make an appointment to take her to see a doctor, and I have to go buy a home pregnancy test just to be sure she isn’t pregnant.

The thing is that her biological father isn’t even in the picture. They text one in a blue moon. I am married to an amazing man that does everything for her as a biological father would and see her as his daughter. I don’t want to keep this from him, but at the same time, I feel like it’s too much for me to share with him. What should I do?"

RELATED QUESTION: Can a 12-Year-Old For Sure Know Their Sexual Orientation?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“I don’t think it’s a fathers business… she trusted you enough and that’s where it should lie. If you’re educating her and she’s comfortable being honest with you, then she’ll tell him if she wants to. Most dads don’t want to know that and most little girls don’t want their daddy’s knowing that. It’s not your sex life it’s hers.”

“No, and honestly you should know this was coming one day. Your reaction is the reason she was reluctant to tell you. Be supportive of her and keep it between you.”

“Get her on birth control. Sex is normal, she has done it young. Can’t take it back but YOU can educate her on how to have safe sex and avoid pregnancies.”

“First of all, that is something private. I understand she’s a teenager but there’s no reason to tell her father or stepfather. As long as you know that she’s sexually active and are taking the proper precautions (which seems like you are) there’s no reason for him to know. It’s really none of his business and you’ll probably make her feel even more uncomfortable and embarrassed.”

“First, let’s stop reacting so negatively to something that’s so normal. If she regrets it, you should be making sure emotionally and mentally she is okay. If she hasn’t missed a period there’s no need to force her to take a test. Sure take her to the doctor and maybe put her on birth control if she wants but it’s her body. Let her make the decision. If she’s comfortable telling the stepdad then sure but if she’s not, that should be respected. It’s a personal thing to talk about.”

“I hate when parents decide they’re going to lose all trust in their kid for having sex. If she acknowledged it as being a mistake, why are you punishing her by treating her like she betrayed you? At the end of the day, sex is a personal choice. Get over it. And let her tell who she wants, when she wants.”

“I think who she wants to tell should be her own choice. If she wants either father figure to know she will let them know. Otherwise, it’s not their business to know. You’re doing the right thing about making an appointment and what not. Make sure to talk to her doctor about her birth control options.”

“Dads can live without knowing their teen’s sex life… Keep it between you and daughter.”

“If you tell him without her permission you are running the risk of her not trusting you anymore and then she won’t tell you anything… Some stuff is a mother-daughter conversation and this is one of them.”

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53 Likes

I would say yes, in my opinion.

Her daddy yes probably worth a conversation the sperm donor. Don’t bother

6 Likes

Digest it all first take a few days let it sink in and then lean on him for support and get through it as a family.

You need to work on your relationship with your daughter because it is far from solid. Weighing the involvement of various men seems like a deflection.

16 Likes

I think who she wants to tell should be her own choice. If she wants either father figure to know she will let them know. Otherwise its not their business to know. You’re doing the right thing about making and appointment and what not. Make sure to talk to her doctor about her birth control options.

12 Likes

I personally wouldnt… I remember telling my mom I had a crush on a boy (I know completely different than sex) and her telling my step-dad and it changed our relationship cause I felt like I couldn’t talk to her about anything anymore

10 Likes

I don’t think it’s a fathers business… she trusted you enough and that’s where it should lie. If you’re educating her and she’s comfortable being honest with you, then she’ll tell him if she wants to. Most dads don’t want to know that and most little girls don’t want their daddy’s knowing that. It’s not your sex life it’s hers. :woman_shrugging:t2:

111 Likes

Uhm no :roll_eyes: he’s not even really in the picture. Why would you share something so personal with him? You will make her not trust you more!

7 Likes

I would be hella embarrassed if I was your daughter. If she wants to share that yes but if she doesn’t and you tell him and it somehow gets back to her think about how she’ll never want to tell you anything again.

14 Likes

I wouldn’t keep secrets from my husband. You all need to talk like adults and take appropriate actions together.

13 Likes

Get her on birth control. Sex is normal, she has done it young. Cant take it back but YOU can educate her how to have safe sex n’ avoid pregnancied

17 Likes

I think your daughters privacy is important…let her be the one to decide who she wants to share that information with, and be happy she chose you to confide in

12 Likes

They will give her a pregnancy test at the doctor when she gets on birth control. Also, if she says it was a mistake no need to make her feel bad - that will cause a trust issue with you and maybe next time she wont even tell you… Keep an open mind and don’t treat her like she is stupid. Its bound to happen…

14 Likes

Why buy a pregnancy test if you are taking her to the doctor have them test her

7 Likes

No, and honestly you should know this was coming one day. Your reaction is the reason she was reluctant to tell you. Be supportive of her and keep it between you.

20 Likes

I don’t think it’s his business. If you want her to feel comfortable talking to you I don’t think she would continue to do so if she knew you were telling others her business. Unless she is in danger, I wouldn’t tell your husband. If she feels comfortable enough then she will tell him.

4 Likes

If you tell him without her permission you are running the risk of her not trusting you anymore and then she won’t tell you anything… Some stuff is a mother daughter conversation and this is one of them

10 Likes

I wouldn’t flip out as it’ll just keep her from telling you things in the future. Instead let her know the line of communication is always open without judgement and she can talk about it with you if she ever wants and you’ll support her as she may really feel bad about it and now she can’t open up to you.
Ask if she’d like to go on birth control to help the future and help her get it and the right choice for her if she wants.
Do not tell your partner that is a huge invasion of privacy and you are setting your self up for losing a relationship with your daughter in the long run. Get her a box of condoms so she always has something. Explain she needs them even with birth control because of stis. Do not count them or check them. Be okay if she asks for more.
The better you handle this the better for your relationship with her. You will bond more her being able to talk to you about anything including sex if she wants to discuss anything.
She’s regretting it and you’ve flipped out.
What you should have done is ask why she felt that way and made sure everything was consensual and she wasn’t harmed in any way and know that future experiences won’t always be like that and the right person she will not regret it.
Support her and build that relationship because one day not only will you have a daughter. You will have a life long best friend

5 Likes

If you expect your husband to treat all your children as they were his, he should have the right to know as well! Can’t be expect only what you want and not give in return.

7 Likes