Tips on co parenting with someone who is controlling?

I’m a young mom of one. He’ll be 3 in March. Overall his father and I never seen eye to eye since he was born. He lived 80 miles away and only came back for two days out of seven occasionally. So from the jump, I always knew to raise my son was my responsibility alone, never complained about it, loving every minute of it. Fast forward, my son’s father just got into a relationship and moved into her house very quickly, where he’s had our son staying over without my knowledge. Now here’s my thing: I know I’m a young mother, and all the toxic parents I’ve come across is one thing I never want to put my child through. I was hurt, trust me, but I moved on. It’s been about three months of them being together, and my son’s father will treat me fairly good for a couple of weeks and then boom, he tells me I’m the worst person in the world and says every dirty name accounted for to me in front of our toddler. I guess I’m just seeking advice on how to continue co-parenting with someone who is controlling and narcissistic. Or is it just me who deals with this type of parent?

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I believe it would be time to file for custody and let the courts/mediator help you.

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What we do is they have their rules at their house we have our rules in our house it seems to work out

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Get some legal help. Your son could be being abused and you certainly are. Coparenting cannot always be done. You need a legal document of some kind.

Make him take you to court for visitation or something document everything and stop letting him have your son your putting your son in a toxic persons care do you want your son to treat you that way too? Make the father work for custody and if you havent already file for child support i wouldnt let that man have any part in raising my son without a fight :angry: and if he ever gets violent with file a restraining order right away! Or your son will grow up just like him ive seen it!

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Don’t know what state you live in but meditation and agreement needs go be in place

You can’t change someone who’s narcissistic and they usually never ever change. Go to court. They won’t want to hear about narcissism but they will care deeply about what’s happening in front of the child as it’s traumatic and that by itself is abusive.

Ignore when he does that. I delt with this for 2 years. My response would be “see ya friday” then no response after… It makes them so mad. And save the messages of him showing his crazy, and ur no response to it. Judges love that stuff. Shows your more stable.

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If you do not have a custody and visitation agreement through the court, get one now! In there, you can stipulate he is not to say anything negative about you and/or your home life around the child. This will also apply to you, but that likely isn’t an issue. Of course it’s only a piece of paper and he’ll likely violate, but keep records and if it’s legal in your state, record all interactions with him. Violate him, if he cannot behave himself. (In NYS, for example, it is legal to record someone as long as one party has knowledge of it.) Getting a lawyer may be something to look into if violating him doesn’t settle him down. It’s nice you’re interested in co-parenting tho and not just taking him away, which many do. And, if you have to, keep all communication to text and/or email. Do not pick up the phone if he calls and if your son is with him and you feel you need to answer, record the call and/or disconnect if he starts to babble about anything other than something specific to the care of the child. Good luck!

You actually can’t. I’m sorry. You need to go through legal channels and have everything court ordered and in writing

:smirk: ah man I feel ya, just ignore the nasty messeges, if you feel your son is in harm’s way while over there, let your lawyer know and his lawyer know, there will have to be indisputable evidence, which a doctor can agree with and prove, for the court to take it seriously, but if your child is happy and healthy, I would just ignore him and tell him contact will only be about your son, and stick to it, dont reply, he will get the messege eventually. Dont stress yourself over his actions hun, he has no power over you.

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I don’t see how he is controlling🤷🏻‍♀️ but y’all need mediation badly

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I’ve been there. It gets better. It really does. It took me a bit to realize the mean things and bad names were a way to get under my skin bc he knew it would. And then I just stopped reacting to it. And it stopped. It took years for us to even be in the same room again. But then we started doing bday parties together and even a couple vacations.

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Firstly, did this behavior jus start? if so then seek court order custody arrangements, it’s states in all court orders that parents are to never speak unkindly of other parent in front of the child or parental rights can be taken away or restricted to supervised. Has it been like this the entire time? Do you already have court order custody arrangements?

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t allow anyone to take my child to someone house they have only known a few months I wouldn’t even want my child introduced to this person until I had met them first also , if your needing any advice on anything I’m always willing to listen and help any way I can with anything so feel free to pm if u need to it won’t go any further but I defo think u need to have words with him in regards to who he is bringing into his child’s life

Story of my life. Get a custody order. Add no disparaging of the other parent. Be specific on your wants.

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So I’ve been through the same. He left when I was 4 months pregnant. And most times he is decent with me but I learned the more I communicate with him the more disrespectful he is with me. It was like a light switch. All good than all of a sudden he’d start getting nasty and hateful. I never played into his evilness and I would just ignore and not let him know I was bothered by his words. This went on for 2.5 years. Fast forward to now… I will not answer his texts unless my new husband is included on the text thread. Ex was always so quick to bully me and be hateful for no reason and now that I have a man to stand up for me it has stopped.
So my advice. When you communicate with him… think 100x over what you are saying/texting. Do not say more than what is needed and keep all communication strictly about child. You pretty much have to “pacify” him in regards to how you talk with him. Always be the better person. Keep it classy.

Girl i have dealt with the same shit for 13 years, i know exactly how you feel. Best of luck

Here’s the thing, keep being the non toxic parent!! Don’t fight with him even when you want to. Ultimately the child grows up and they always know who was there and who was the problem all on their own. Unfortunately you can’t keep your child away from every bad thing in their life, all you can do is direct your child to be a good person by your example…

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Joint custody means the child has 2 homes. There are different rules and customs. As long as my kids were not abused, what went on in the other place was not my concern. However, disrespect of the other parent is NOT ok. In my case I was not hyper about cleanliness. Normal caution was all I required but I was attacked for not being OCD. I had animals, the kids had animals, we played in dirt etc. I ignored the criticisms but if I was personally attacked, I wld calmly say "would you like the lawyers brought in? If that didn’t cool it, I wld call whatever legal dept was needed, get their assessment, repeat it and give the phone number so it cld be checked on. Usually that was all that was needed to stop the threats. I followed it up with a letter to the office, what I was told, who said it and a date. You can show a pattern of the abuse, how often it occurred and who was doing it. Takes time but worth it.