What are some ways I can grow closer to my husbands grown daughter?

Long story short, both my husband and his ex did a poor job at putting their kids first. BOTH of them. They separated when the kids were 12 and 8 and always split the kids with one living with mom other with dad. They allowed the hate they had for each other to prevent them from co-parenting. Because of this, I’ve always had a soft spot for his daughter and let things slide until now. She is 28 and has always had a major attitude problem, just never with me, or at least to my face. She has not maintained a consistent relationship with my kids, especially my oldest, who is 15. The one time we had a disagreement was when she would constantly make plans with my oldest and never show up. She’s been doing that to her since she was eight, so my daughter stopped talking to her. The husband’s daughter was very offended, so I explained that it’s because she tells her she is coming and does not show up, and she got upset and totally denied it. I think that’s where the rift really began. Son and I get along great, and daughter and I used to get together until recently I noticed she would hesitate to give me a hug (like left me hanging with open arms in front of everyone on more than one occasion) and didn’t speak to me much during gatherings. Come to find out that during an argument, my stupid husband vented a lot of our problems to her, where he made himself appear favorable, and I think that has put a tremendous strain in my and her relationship. This also happened with his mother, and we ended up making up just shy of her passing away. She came over last night and brought gifts for everyone except for me. I was in my room asleep (I work nights), and I realized this. Nothing new as she never calls me for my birthday or Mother’s Day, but this time I tooK this as sending a message. So now I want nothing to do with her. I think that this was my final straw, and I’m gratefully taking a major step back. Before, I would be the one to get them expensive gifts, even if the husband only wanted to spend $20. I always encouraged him to spend one on one time with his kids, but he always wanted me present, and I would tell him to go by himself, but he wouldn’t. He is used to them (son and daughter) treating him poorly, but I’ve always justified it because of how difficult he can be. His son has told me that he only comes over once he makes sure I’m here. My husband is a good man who loves his kids but has a bad temper. I would like to know how you deal with your husband’s daughter as far as holidays, birthdays, and even with the death of a husband. My mind is running wild as far as how things will pan out.

8 Likes

You did your job by helping raise her momma. As an adult your doing the right thing by just pulling away n let things be for your own sanity. I say still remain kind and show you are the bigger person . I have a stepdaughter but she is still only 7 and we get along great. Just last yr she started telling me she loves me so I sure hope she always will.

5 Likes

The death of a husband? :eyes:

7 Likes

Sounds like you’re making excuses as to why your husband doesnt need to act like a grown man.

11 Likes

Shes 28. Shes a grown ass women. She can have her own opinion of you

She is a grown women and so are you. Some people avoid dealing with topics which I’d what you seem to want. You.seem to talk to like you truly care for her. But are so easily to dismiss her. Just an idea. Why dont you ask her to go out for dinner just you and her. Be honest. Tell her you care about her and sre hurt.

3 Likes

Narcissism is strong in him…

2 Likes

Girl I would act like the bitch doesn’t exist! Disrespect can go both ways! And she’s old enough to know better

Just be there for her. Dont go out of your way to do extra but be there when she needs you. She will come around.

2 Likes

Do NOTHING. Stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump a puddle for you, she will get the message sooner or later if she grows up eventually. Maybe you, dad and kids can do a family therapy or just dad and kids?

2 Likes

Sounds like you’re husband needs to tell her he’s sorry for bringing your marital problems to her and he was just venting. If he can’t (or want) to be a man and handle it then I would be nice yet back away. When it’s time for gift giving, I’d tell hubby this is all on you from now on until you make it right. If he doesn’t step up to the plate and fix what HE broke then let him do all dealings with her from now on.

1 Like

your husband shouldn’t be airing your problems with each other to his daughter. After that, just be there, expect nothing from her & then you won’t be disappointed

1 Like

You sound awesome, but it sounds like all the pressure of everyone’s issues are resting on you, and that’s super unfair. I guess I would have a mandatory family dinner with everybody and air my feelings to all and then they can do with that information as they please :woman_shrugging:t3: you can only try for so long before it becomes a chore.

1 Like

Therapy for everyone! Hubs sounds like he has to deal with anger & self-centeredness, daughter to see things as an adult & not as Daddy’s little girl, you to be able to deal effectively with both. Take care of yourself and your bio kids first and worry about hubs & adult step kids after.

1 Like

You just need to sit down with your husband and step daughter. Tell them both how much you love abd care for them and explain why the strain in relationship is hurting you. You should also pull your husband aside and explain to him that venting to his children or family members about you, is not okay and it affects how they treat you. Been there!!!
She is 28, she is an adult and it sounds like maybe she had to grow up too fast and is struggling with how to express her feelings in a genuine way. Also, been there myself!

Sounds like your husband is the problem. He did the same with the ex wife to get the kids to be on his side, he raised the daughter to be this way, then he told her all about your issues because he was mad at you. Smh. The daughter is the way she is because of the man you married (and her mother I’m sure).
Maybe your husband needs to talk with his daughter and tell her he was just being petty and childish because he was mad at you. That his daughter shouldn’t take her anger out on you because of his stupidity. She is always going to be on daddy’s side. If he keeps running his mouth to her, you and her will never have a good relationship

5 Likes

She is still a lil broken girl inside screaming for unconditional acceptance for who she is.
Her behaviour is taught and although ur bond was close… she possibly feels somewhat pushed out but your relationship with your own children.
Talk to her…
My guess is she has that mentality of “I will hurt you, before you hurt me”.

1 Like

His daughter is 28 and far old enough to understand how to properly treat people. If your husband said things to her that have made your relationship with her challenging, he should fix it. I don’t have much to do with my husband’s children because they’ve been taught it’s acceptable to treat me (as well as him) with disrespect. My husband’s son is decent and he and his father have a decent relationship, which I have completely removed myself from. We (son and I) are polite to each other on the rare occasion we see each other, but that is all. I do not have anything to do with his daughter and at this point am not interested in changing that. I do not participate in gift giving, etc., for either of his children. My husband does all of that on his own and I do not interfere with whatever he chooses to do for them. Toxic parents are seriously the worst and I honestly don’t have any idea why people do it. Although I don’t personally like my ex, our children don’t hear negative things from either of us (me or their father), nor would it ever be acceptable for either of them to be disrespectful to him or his gf/spouse. Ugh…

She is grown and acting like kid and he is telling her bullshit get out save yourself and daughter the issues

No need to put yourself in an awkward position
Blended families can be a beautiful thing — mine, his, THEY ARE ALL OURS :sparkling_heart:
But sounds like his daughter is grown.
If his daughter doesn’t have the good manners to greet you when coming into your home. You should say something to her about it, if your husband doesn’t
He should respect his wife enough not to tolerate this kind of behavior.
In the end, as much as it hurts or bother you
Focus your time and attention on your children that want to speak and spend time with you at family gatherings and ignore her childish and rude behavior.
Once she sees that it no longer bothers you, she will hopefully stop.
You do not have to allow her to continue to disrespect you in your own home
Good luck