What should I do about my childs father only coming to get him when he wants too?

My heart is racing due to anger. So my ex-MIL was cut off a few months ago due to very toxic behavior towards me and negatively affecting my 5yr old. So his father lives with her. She last saw him in January when my son was at his dad’s. After that, my son refuses to go over there. i leave him; he old enough to decide for himself. Obviously there is a reason he does not want to go, which I don’t know as he’s not saying. Just says he doesn’t want to go. Maybe he feels the lack of interest from her side. Ps she is always welcome at our house but refuses to visit here) So now this weekend, she has all her children over with her wife and boyfriend, and all of a sudden, they insist my son come over. His dad promised to come and pick him up today. Didn’t pitch. And now I receive a msg saying I need to have him ready tomorrow for him to fetch him. I am so mad because I’m the one who always needs to make up stories as to why they don’t come over or why they don’t keep their promises. I’m dont, fed up my child deserves better.

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Listen I don’t know your truth but have been in this situation and many others do not lie to your children be honest but speak in their terms and pray !! It will be revealed, they will see ! Be careful

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You say he’s old enough to decide for himself whether or not he wants to see his dad and his side of the family, then maybe he’s old enough to understand and should be told the truth. Lying and being making excuses will only hurt the child more, no matter how much you want and try to protect them.

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Is there not a court ordered visitation schedule? If not, you need to get one. Visitations should not be random, that is not good for consistency with young children. Dad should have specific weekends or days and get his son those days on a consistent basis. If he doesn’t then there shouldn’t be any leniency in my opinion on getting him any other day’s just because family is visiting… Also, a 5 year old is not old enough to decide whether he wants to see their other parent or not. If roles were reversed, you would see that is not fair. You are the parent, not the child. Make him do what he is told. If dad is willing to get him on his specific days then the child should go visit with dad. Unless there is something illegal or abuse allegations. He can take you to court for not making the child attend visits and it will not look good on you.

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I would tell him no that he was supposed to do it today and he’s not going to keep switching things around.

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don’t make him go if he doesn’t want to. sounds like he’s picking up on bad vibes, at the very least. don’t make you ex tell you what to do, and when. do you have full custody of your son? are there court mandated visits? listen to your gut, and your son’s. goood luck to you

Is there a court order stating the agreement? If not, tell him to take you to court and if there is maybe it needs to go to court anyways…get that changed …your kiddo deserves better…and a routine schedule and if he can’t won’t agree to that…tough luck!

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Are you in breech of a court order? I’d be careful withholding your child from the dad

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Don’t tell your child that they are meant to be going, to avoid disappointment, just let dad show when he wants so it’s a surprise, then if he doesn’t show there is no let down.

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I dont tell my daughter if her dad says he is coming anymore as he normally cancels and it upsets her!

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Don’t make up stories and always be honest with your child no matter how much it hurts. When your child gets older they will respect you for your honesty and always being the one there for them.

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Go to court and try filing for full custody. But you said your child is 5 he is NOT old enough to decide for himself sorry.

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Stop lying to him. Be honest. If he’s old enough to decide whether he wants to go over there then he’s more than old enough to be told the truth.

At age 5 the courts don’t give children a say but if there is anything going on over there that may be considered abuse maybe the dhs should look into it? Most other sides of the family will not visit you when the relationship has dissolved no matter how open your door is. I’ve seen this first hand with my older children’s grandmother. But all in all you can’t keep your child from his father, that looks bad on you in court. But you can’t be dropping everything for last minute decisions. There needs to be a better plan. Maybe there needs to be a court order involved to keep the father in line. He can plan around that. And seriously think about calling dhs and report the household. Or maybe put your child in play therapy and a licensed therapist can figure out why the child doesn’t want to go over there. And don’t lie to your child! Try to simplify to age understandings but don’t lie.

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Just be honest. Maybe he is tired of the empty promises and is tired of getting his heart broken. My rule is you are either in or out my child’s life because the popping in and out does more damage to their mental health in my opinion.

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Stop making excuses and tell him the truth daddy not coming he will figure it out for himself. Its a sad situation and dont put the dad down in the process just leave it as hes not coming and if he asks why then say we will have to ask daddy next time. Let dad tell why he didnt come

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Thank you all for the feedback and support. Me and dad has a very good co parenting going on. Dad works bad shifts so when ever he can he comes to visit. He is actually more here than at his house(mothers house). I’m fine with that as it’s for my son. Problems is the ex mil, she refuse to visit, but force her son to come and fetch his son for visits. When my son refuse I can see how uncomfortable his dad is. We have had many discussions that she needs to do more from her side to improve the relationship and to ensure my son feels comfortable with her. He also dont know what to do anymore. I have full custody. dad gets wednesday afternoons and every other Saturday. But due to his working hours it will never work so I allow when he can to visit. His mother forced him to sue for full custody, he didn’t want to due to his shifts and his happy with me raising our son to the best of my ability, I dont think he wants the responsibility. She threatened him she will kick him out of her house as she will look after our son. She is totally toxic towards me and her own son and I will not allow her to influence my sons life like this. My son has gone to therapy, she called social services as she still believe that I’m the one refusing my son to go over. Social services and therapist said she must build a relationship with him in his safe space. At home. She refuse. I have tried so many times to help build a relationship btw him and her. But it’s always on her time and demands. Not what’s best for my son. she would want to take him alone to the beach or shopping mall. We live in SA. You dont go anywhere with a child unless you are in a group or unless there is a man present. Then she will say I’m unfair. During lockdown level 5 and 4 she didn’t have any contact with him from her side. Level 3 she came to fetch him one day, arrangement was for one hour. She returned him 5 hours later after his dad got from work and I could get hold of him she ignore my message and calls. I was sick of worry and furious, she saw nothing wrong though I was crazy. I can write a book on this woman. Point his I have all the therapy papers, social services records etc. she can try and take me to court I will fight to the end. My son is my everything

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Mom sounds too emotionally charged to read this situation calmly and to make best decision for the child’s sake. Mom and dad need sort shit out first before putting the responsibility on the kid to make decisions.

My kids always had a choice to go or not. One time their dad called the police on me. They still didnt go. I will always do best for my children, and if I get in trouble so be it. But it can backfire so keep messages and notes on when the dad/family communicate or visit and the tones of these visits or talks. Let them build your case. Just keep good records.

Kids r smarter than u think. Tell him the truth. He probably nos anyway. Refuse to jump through hoops for them. If he doesn’t show conveniently not be available when he does decide to show up. Take the high road but don’t give them the upper hand.

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