What should I do about my daughter not wanting to visit her dad because of COVID?

I have a question for other moms. Long story short, I share custody with my oldest father. During the whole COVID thing, my daughter, who is 11, decided she didn’t want to go back and forth since I had her baby sister in May. So lately, her father, his wife, and her dad’s mom have been quilt tripping her in wanting to come back. When she continues to say she doesn’t feel safe, they tell her all the things they are doing (things she loves to do), and then they tell her that she could be enjoying it too, but she’s not there. Or they tell her things they have planned. Anyway, after talking to any of them, she comes to me crying. I tell her I can talk to them, and she begs me not to tell them because she doesn’t want them to feel bad for hurting her feelings. I tell her she can go to her dad’s if she wants to, but she continues to tell me, no, she’s doesn’t feel safe going back and forth. my question is, what would you as a mom do? I’m at a loss because I don’t want to continue seeing my daughter cry, but I don’t want to go against her wishes and talk to her dad, and then he gets mad at her…

59 Likes

I’m so sorry you’re in that situation, I would’ve lost my cool a while back. It sounds like you have done an amazing job raising a compassionate daughter.

Respect her decision whatever it is. Her Dad should too …

7 Likes

Courts don’t see potential exposure as a reason for her not to go. Only know bc I am at the end of a very long custody battle and got a letter from the judge telling everyone on his caseload this

4 Likes

don’t make her go, simple. She is old enough to make her own decisions about going back and forth and if she doesn’t want to risk it then that’s totally fine! As for her fathers family they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to guilt her

7 Likes

If she really wants to go see her Dad but is nervous because of covid you could ask her what you could do to make her feel more safe… she is probably overhearing a lot of confusing information… and rather than calling her dad to discuss his way of handling it…suggest to him what would make her more comfortable so she can feel safe spending time with both of you

13 Likes

Maybe teach her safe ways to be there. Could be an underlying situation. Either way, you are doing a great job of her awareness.

Is it court ordered custody? Tell them to come get her if they want her to come so bad. I am sure your daughter will make a fuss. Is it possibly another reason she may not want to go?

1 Like

Just talk to dad and tell him how shes feeling. But also let her know there are precautions that she can take when going back and forth. If there is an order the order has to be folllwed

1 Like

I’d make her go- at 10 she’s not old enough to make that decision and why should her own dad not be able to see her?

11 Likes

Would you be ok if she was at dads and didn’t want to see you?

2 Likes

Since dad missed out on so much time maybe she can go for a couple weeks?? That way she doesn’t feel like she’s constantly exposing her younger sibling by going back and forth? It sounds like she loves her younger siblings and worried about her health and safety?

3 Likes

If there’s a custody order in place she has to go or you yourself could get in trouble because you’re not enforcing the custody order.
Get her a mask and tell her she has to go

3 Likes

I have been the child in this situation. At the time I did not want my parent to tell my other parent how I was uncomfortable but in the end I was grateful that it happened. I would tell her father to respect your daughters choices and to stop guilt tripping her because it’s causing more harm rather than making her change her mind. You should stand up (not that you’re not already, I’m sure) and continue to back up your daughter and her feelings and wishes about not wanting to go somewhere. But also discuss with her the importance of telling others how she feels so that she gives people an opportunity to respect her decisions and feelings. In the end, do what feels right for you and her, especially her. Best of luck :two_hearts:

3 Likes

I love how empathetic your daughter is already. I think you should confront dad and his side about guilt tripping her. They’re violating her ability to consent to things she wants to do and they should respect her decisions if it’s to help protect her sister.

I feel like she’s definitely old enough to make that decision to go or not. But I’d also really talk with her about how to be safe if she really wanted to go see them. Give her the tools she needs to maybe be more comfortable going to see him. And if she still didn’t want to go? I’d be giving the dad a lot of grief about guilt tripping an 11 year old who just wants to be safe.

3 Likes

I would encourage her to go. I would pack her up with a care package so that she can be safe with her Dad. Encourage her to use hand sanitizer & wash her hands often. When outside of both homes to always wear a mask.

5 Likes

In my state as long as you have a custody agreement you still have to follow it otherwise you could be found in contempt and be in trouble with the court system

5 Likes

They are doing that in purpose

Any chance she heard you say you are concerned with your new baby being exposed to covid?

11 Likes