What should I do about my daughters father who is in and out of her life?

My daughter’s father left when I was six weeks pregnant. I notified him of every appointment, and he never showed it to a single one. He asked to be at the hospital when she was born, though. I allowed him to be. He signed the birth certificate. Since birth, he has been inconsistent. He drinks every night and has had five girlfriends since she was born. She is two years old now, and she has no clue he’s her dad. He goes months at a time without seeing her or asking about her. I tell him to be in or out bc this isn’t healthy for her, and he threatens me with the court every time. Even though he has no care to see her now. I’ve invited him to her birthdays and holidays, which he hasn’t come to any. His family hasn’t seen her or asked about her since she was seven months old. When he texts me, it’s never about her, it’s about me and he makes inappropriate comments. When he has come to see her, he has also been very inappropriate, so I started having a family member present with me at all times to supervise. But my question is, do I let him continue to be in and out or just block him out and if he wants her he can prove it by taking me to court for custody. As she’s getting older and understanding who people are I don’t want her to be affected by her “dad” who decides to come see her every three months so he can just post his pictures of her on social media so he doesn’t look half bad. She doesn’t call him dad. He doesn’t ask her to. There’s no emotional connection between the two. He doesn’t miss her or care when’s she sick or ask how she’s doing. He’s like a friend stopping by and sits on his phone the whole time checking the time. I’ve tried everything to include him and to get him to be consistent but after two years now nothing has changed. I don’t want him to ever say I withheld her but there has to be some stopping point bc this isn’t fair to her. Any advice would be helpful. We are in Illinois so technically even if he signed the birth certificate he has no rights until he petitions for them. I have spoken to a lawyer. Just wanted to get some advice from people with personal experiences. I’m tired of him not thinking about her and thinking it’s ok to be so inconsistent.


I wouldn’t let him see her if it were me he needs to earn the right to be called dad it takes a hell of a lot more then making a baby to be a parent

Sounds like you’ve answered your own question in this post. You already know he’s no good. Thank him for the greatest gift he could’ve given you (daughter) and bid him farewell!!


If he doesn’t ask to see her or see her or anything for an entire year you can get him for abandonment and terminate his rights without his say


Im in same spot i tell him.not enough notice… reasured him id let her see him when shes old enough to want to and be curious…
Its terrible but a in a d out dad is bad too. Just pick careful words in case he decides to file .

Document everything he hasn’t done and next time he wants to see her tell him no take you too court I bet he never does! Don’t let him jerk your kid around your right it’s not healthy I doubt he has money to pay child support if he wants to take you to court say fine I’ll put you on child support while we are there!

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You should never let him come to the hospital and definitely NOT sign the birth certificate. You should have learned that he was going to be an absentee father (remember he never showed up for any appointments). Cut him out if her life before she get old enough to realize her birth father is trash.

I went through something very similar with my daughter. She is now 8, and “met” her bio father for the first time about 2 years ago. He had seen her when she was a baby but she obviously didn’t remember that. He would randomly contact me and demand to see her and threaten court and then he would disappear again. I always stood my ground and wouldn’t let him see her unless he could prove he could be consistent. He never was consistent until she was 6, when I finally agreed to let him see her. Since then he has seen her irregularly and he continues to drop off when we he feels like it. At 8, she knows he is her “dad,” but she calls my husband her dad and tells everyone my husband is her dad. She does like her bio dad (he always has gifts or something for her) but she’s not bothered when he disappears. Honestly it’s more stressful for me. I do worry how she’ll be affected by it as time goes on, but I’ve allowed myself to not stress as much. He will never get himself together enough to take me to court, which was my greatest fear for so long. Do what feels right for you. Moms find a way to be whatever their children need. Good luck!


File for sole custody of your child don’t chase him if he doesn’t want to be in your child’s life his loss


Block him and cut him off.

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You take initiative and take it to court. Document everything . Print out texts, and even have character witnesses. It’s just a threat at this point holding your daughter over your head. He probably won’t show up to court by the sounds of him not showing up for anything else. :heart:


I mean, if there is no custody order for now, you are okay to keep her and have no consequences if you choose to do so. If he wants to be a part of her life he has every right to go through the court and make that possible. If that’s what he wants to do that’s his right and if he doesn’t then that’s his loss. Do what you think is best for her. Speaking from experience… my father chooses to be the same way. In and out. I’m 27 now and I can tell you it hurts me deeply and I try my best to get through all the heart break it can sometimes cause. If you see that it is causing more harm than good for him to be so in and out, put your foot down and fight for her. Protect her heart. Maybe if he did decide to go to the courts and have designated time, he would step up. If he chooses not to, then take him back to court. Prove that and gain full custody of her.

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If he can’t step up he needs to step out. Make a calendar of all the times he has seen her and all the times he has contacted If he goes to court have all the documents to prove how little he has even tried and that will be good for your case.
Sounds like he is just using it as a scare tactic, if he isn’t making the effort now and goes to court and still doesn’t make the effort then the agreement should be terminated and he loses his rights :woman_shrugging:


Tell him to file. If he has no interest in seeing her now, he’s not gonna cough up court fees, and child support just to do it. Block him out. He’s not deserving of the title nor does she deserve to have a “dad” blatantly not care about her or you continuing to allow him to be a dad only when he chooses it’s convenient for him.


I have been and continue to deal with the same… Unfortunately our law is a bit different… If on birth certificate or in court. The brave me says make him take you to court. The causous me says lwt him be inconsistent she will learn soon enough. My oldest at 4.5 is realizing it all now. And I dont think it will be much longer before she advocates that she doesnt wish to see him any longer. At that point I will fight in court… Hoping they will listen to her.

I’d block him and he can take u to court for visits and then he can pay child support at the same time. Let him play games with the courts and not u and ur childs wellbeing.


Going through the same thing constantly. Take him to court for full custody with the option of supervised visits, and if he doesn’t consistently show up for these court mandated visits he’ll be stripped of them

Stop being the one pressing it. For his family too. If they dont have the sense to ask about her then quit pushing her on them. All of them. He wont take u to court. If he ever tried they will know right away he needs supervision for visitation. But i highly doubt he would persue it. Dont text, call, email. Nothing!

I’m currently going through the same thing with my daughter’s dad. But I’m so blessed that his family stays active more then he does. He moved back home to Texas when she was 1 after getting out of the military and thats where his family is… It sucks but I have always kept the communication open because regardless of how much he is involved, I want her to know she can call him and his family whenever she wants. She is now 7 and she is such a good kid. It hasn’t really affected her much yet. But she is seen by a psychiatrist for ADHD and she is so helpful. So if something would arise I can always put her in counseling and teach her how to handle her feelings and hard situations the healthy way. Do whats best for you and your situation though. Life is hard enough as it is.

Go to the courthouse and file for abandonment. Once his parental rights have been terminated he will be out of the picture for good.