What are the best insults ever? If you have ever been at a loss for a quip or good comeback with friends, you have come to the right place to build your insult arsenal. These comebacks and best insults are not intended as super cutting or serious. Instead, they are meant to be lighthearted jabs to poke your friends with.
We went hunting for the best insults ever so that you will never be miss an opportunity to pick on your friends when they are taking themselves too seriously. These are meant to roast your friends but not to actually hurt them. Take the Reading Challenge in RuPaul’s Drag Race or a Celebrity Roast on Comedy Central for example. The best insults poke fun while offering a kernel of truth. Let’s take a look at the best insults ever!
Check Out The Best Insults Ever!
Some of the best insults are so generic that they will work for many situations and occasions. As we mentioned the best roast-y one-liners offer a kernel of truth so if you can find a way to incorporate something specific about the person you are joking with into these, they will be even better!
- I treasure the times I’m not with you.
- I wanted to make a joke about your life, but your life beat me to the punch.
- Life is learning to live with disappointment and I’m learning to live with you more and more each day.
- For such a know-it-all, you never know when to shut up.
- The last time I saw something that resembled you, I flushed.
More of the Best Insults for Any Situation
See how generic these insults are? They work for just about any friend. Let’s take a look at some more like it. Be sure to take notes or bookmark this page because these insults will never poorly serve you!
- If I wanted to hear from the biggest a-hole in the room, I’d fart.
- I’d love to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- Are you on male enhancement pills, because you’re twice the d*ck you were yesterday.
- Your birth certificate is just an apology from a condom manufacturer.
- Were you born with a family cactus instead of a family tree because you and your relatives are all pricks.
Let’s Take a Look at More of the Best Insults for All
Let’s keep going with more generic insults that will work for anyone in almost any situation. We’re on a roll, right?
- Are you done with all the drama? Because I need an intermission.
- I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one of your own.
- No matter how many times a snake sheds its skin, it’s always a snake.
- Of course, I’m speaking like an idiot! How else could you understand?
- You’re like a slinky, not really good for anything, but fun when pushed down the stairs.
- You’re the reason that directions are put on shampoo.
- I know you are, but what am I?
- I see no evil, and I most definitely don’t hear yours.
- Oh, forgive me. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
- Oops, my fault. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
- Someday you’ll go far! I really hope you stay there.
More Sick Burns for All Occasions
Looking for more of the best insults that will work in almost any situation? Here are some more fun zingers to try!
- You have the rest of your life to be an idiot, why not take the day off?
- I just got off the phone with the jerk store, they’re running low on you.
- I’m busy at the moment. Can I ignore you when I’m more freed up?
- If you have a problem with me, write it on a piece of paper, fold it, then shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!
- I’ve been called worse by better.
Even More of the Best Insults and Comeback to Try
Here are more insults to keep in your roast supply. These are some of the best comebacks to use after someone says something mean about you!
- Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
- I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t enjoy me, acquire some taste.
- Did I invite you to this barbecue? Because you are all in my grill.
- Somewhere out there is a tree strenuously producing oxygen for you to breathe. You owe it an apology.
- That might be true but at least I do not smell like hot dog water.
- You bring everyone so much joy! Only when you leave the room, but joy is joy.
- That sounds like a Y.O.U. problem.
- You’re the reason God made the middle finger.
- You’re a black sprinkle on a rainbow cake.
- Hold still for a minute, I’m trying my hardest to imagine you with a personality.
The Best Insults for Someone Who Is Annoying You
Is one of your friends gettin on your nerves? It might be time to pull out one of these best insults for annoying friends. Check them out!
- You’re adorable like my dog. He also chases his tail for entertainment.
- Has anyone ever told you that you’re like a cloud? As soon as you disappear, it’s a brighter day.
- I love to shop but I will never buy your B.S.
- If you’re going to be two-faced, you could at least make on of them attractive.
- You still have a ways to go before reaching mediocrity.
More of the Best Insults for Those Who Get on Your Nerves
- Keep rolling your eyes, you just might find your brain.
- Does your face make the onions cry?
- You’ve got less character than an unsalted pretzel.
- I’ll never forget the first time we met. But, I can try.
- That’s not an insult, it’s an observation.
Truly Savage Comebacks and Insults
Here are some of the best insults for those you really want to cut down to size. We all get in our own heads at times and sometimes a good laugh will help a friend’s ego to deflate a bit.
- Good Lord! It speaks!
- I thought of you this morning. You reminded me to take out the trash.
- I’d like to help you out. How did you get here?
- Oh, I forgot! The world revolves around you.
- It’s true that light travels faster than sound. You seemed bright until I heard you speak.
More of the Best Insults and Savage Burns
- My baby’s diaper rash is more exciting than you.
- When you look in the mirror, say “hit” to that clown you see.
- Look at you! You’ve come so far, even stringing words into sentences these days!
- Mirrors can’t talk and, thankfully for you, they can’t laugh either.
- If you need proof that God has a sense of humor, just take a look in the mirror.
Looking for Some Sharp Comebacks?
Sometimes the best insults are delivered as a quip or comeback in response to something that has been said to you. Make sure you’re ready to go with a quick responses like these:
- Have you sued your parents for that face yet?
- Were you born on the highway? I’ve heard most accidents happen there.
- Do you come with a straw? Because you suck.
- You’re proof that the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face is a cure-all.
Even More Comebacks!
- The only chance you’ve got of getting laid is to crawl inside a chicken and wait.
- It’s always great to see someone’s education not getting in the way of their ignorance.
- I’d agree with you but I’m never wrong.
- Is your butt jealous of the amount of sh*t your mouth spews?
- You are the human embodiment of a period cramp.
Looking for the Best Insults for Family and Your Close Friends
Some healthy banter is likely welcome depending on the type of relationship you have with your family and closest friends. As long as you both know it’s all in good fun, you’re bound to get some laughter at each other’s expense.
- Don’t be ashamed of who you’ve become, that’s your parents’ job.
- My therapist knows all about you.
- You’re a walking, talking participation trophy.
- They say genius skips a generation, have you considered having kids?
- You’re my favorite person, after every other person I’ve ever met.
More of the Best Insults for Close Friends and Family
- I used to believe in evolution. Then, I met you.
- You’re as useful as an anvil on a sinking ship.
- Your teeth are so jacked you could eat an apple through a fence.
- I’ve forgotten more than you will ever know.
- Party City just called, they’ve been looking for you.
The Best Insults to Please a Crowd
If you and your friend have attracted an audience to the roast, you might want to deliver some of these crowd-pleasing insults. Fun for all!
- Is it wise to use your whole vocabulary in a sentence like that?
- If I had a dollar each time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
- If I throw something, will you leave?
- In the land of the witless, you’d reign supreme.
- My preference is for a battle of wits, but unfortunately, you came unarmed.
More of the Best Insults to Say In Front of a Crowd
- You really try, don’t you?
- I’m not usually a jealous person but then I think of all those who have not met you.
- I don’t have the patience or the crayons to help me explain this to you.
- You’re a real conversation starter. You’d never know it though because most folks wait for you to leave the room.
- Your teeth are so messed up your tongue looks like it’s in prison.
- The fact that you’ve lived this long is equal parts surprising and disappointing.
- Has anyone successfully overestimated you?
- Do you plant a tree every day to make up for all of the oxygen you waste?
- Hey this village just called, they’re looking for their idiot.
- Did it take lessons or were you just born this stupid?
The Best Insults to Shut an Argument Down
Are you ever “done.” Like, you have been a good sport but you’re ready to move on? We have the best insults for the moments when you want to shut things down!
- I don’t know what your problem is but I imagine it’s not easy to pronounce.
- It’s too bad you can’t photoshop a personality.
- How much makeup does it take to cover both of those faces?
- People who can tolerate you on the daily are the real heroes.
- You’re not planning on homeschooling your kids, are you?
- If you’re going to act like that, you might as well flush.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
- Your existence is a crime against humanity.
- I bet you’re the life of every party, the low life.
- At least Jesus loves you.
The Best Insults to Make Your Friends Laugh
Sometimes the best insults are the ones that crack the person you’re joking about up. These insults are so funny that we bet your friend or frenemy won’t be able to keep a straight face.
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and find more intelligent sentences in the toilet bowl.
- What doesn’t kill you… disappoints me.
- Great story, but when do we get to the chapter when you shut up?
- How does it feel knowing your greatest accomplishment in life will be donating your organs?
- There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thanks for allowing me to see that.
More of the Best Insults That Will Have Your Friends Rolling with Laughter
- Has anyone ever told you that you’re cute when you try and talk about things you don’t understand?
- Jealousy is a disease and I hope, for your sake, they find a cure very soon.
- Were your parents ever the ones that ran away from home?
- As an outside observer, what do you think of the human race?
- Don’t feel bad, not everyone has talent.
The Best Insults Ever – The Best of the Best
Now, we are reaching the end of this best insults list! We will leave you with our absolute favorite burns. Use them wisely and they will serve you well!
- The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
- Don’t think too hard! You don’t want sprain that overworked brain of yours.
- The last time I saw something like you, I paid admission.
- Your parents are proof that two wrongs don’t make a right.
- If that offended you, it was intentional.
- You’re so full of it, the toilet is jealous.
- Don’t fear success, you have nothing to worry about.
- I’ve seen used c*ndoms with more substance.
- My middle finger salutes you.
- I’d slap you but that would be animal cruelty.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: 25 Harmless Practical Jokes to Pull on That Person You’re in a Prank War With
The Very Best of the Best Insults – Top 5
- I’d love to insult you but I’ll never top what nature did.
- You’re so unattractive your portraits hang themselves.
- I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
- You’re as bright as a black hole and twice as dense.
- My deepest desire is for us to be better strangers.
There you go! Do you feel properly equipped with the best insults for your trash-talking toolbox? We hope you got a kick out of these insults but we hope that you only see fit to use them in jest. There’s no need to escalate a hot situation with any of these insults as someone could very easily take these jokes personally. It’s best to only practice the art of the roast with people you know can take a joke. If that’s the case, go ahead with the best insults and comebacks and give them all you’ve got!
Andrew is an Assistant Editor for Mamas Uncut with over ten years of experience as a writer in the creative, marketing, and blogging spaces. After studying Film and Art History, he developed a passion for telling stories in a variety of mediums. Obsessively making lists, reporting celebrity news, and diving into emerging pop cultural topics are a few of his interests.
- 1 Check Out The Best Insults Ever!
- 1.1 More of the Best Insults for Any Situation
- 1.2 Let’s Take a Look at More of the Best Insults for All
- 1.3 More Sick Burns for All Occasions
- 1.4 Even More of the Best Insults and Comeback to Try
- 1.5 The Best Insults for Someone Who Is Annoying You
- 1.6 More of the Best Insults for Those Who Get on Your Nerves
- 1.7 Truly Savage Comebacks and Insults
- 1.8 More of the Best Insults and Savage Burns
- 1.9 Looking for Some Sharp Comebacks?
- 1.10 Even More Comebacks!
- 1.11 Looking for the Best Insults for Family and Your Close Friends
- 1.12 More of the Best Insults for Close Friends and Family
- 1.13 The Best Insults to Please a Crowd
- 1.14 More of the Best Insults to Say In Front of a Crowd
- 1.15 The Best Insults to Shut an Argument Down
- 1.16 The Best Insults to Make Your Friends Laugh
- 1.17 More of the Best Insults That Will Have Your Friends Rolling with Laughter
- 1.18 The Best Insults Ever – The Best of the Best
- 1.19 The Very Best of the Best Insults – Top 5
Mamas Uncut is THE online place for moms. We cover the latest about motherhood, parenting, and entertainment as well – all with a mom-focused twist. So if you're looking for parenting advice from real parents, we have plenty of it, all for moms from moms, and also experts. Because, at the end of the day, our mission is focused solely on empowering moms and moms-to-be with the knowledge and answers they’re looking for in one safe space.