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QUESTION: I’m Worried My Boyfriend Might Be Gay: Advice?
“Anonymous, please. I’m worried my boyfriend might be gay and is trying to hide it from myself and his family.
We’ve been together a year, and in the beginning, the sex was great and frequent, but now it’s like it’s just a performance. Quick to the point, and his expressions and reactions are dramatic and very obviously exaggerated. Sometimes he goes completely soft right in the middle or says he’s finished when I know he didn’t.
He keeps his eyes closed most of the time and I’ve even caught him watching tv during our lovemaking. He makes jokes all the time about being gay. He is often late getting home from work and showers immediately. Sometimes before even greeting me.
I feel so crazy all the time and I don’t know what to do about it.”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“Talk to him. There’s nothing we could provide. Be delicate and supportive, if he is. It seems you’ve accepted it and let him know just that.”
“I don’t know if he’s gay, but it definitely sounds like he’s cheating.”
“IF HE WAS GAY I doubt the sex would have been great in the beginning. He might just be cheating.. but those are definitely signs of a cheater. Time. To. Get. Out.”
“Try to talk to him. Usually you’ll see signs. I was with a man for 9 years before I realized I was into women.”
“You aren’t crazy; your intuition is telling you something. My first thought was cheating… unfortunately.”
“Yeah run. This happened to me and it was drugs and he was sleeping with men. So just get out, whether he’s ‘gay,’ bi, not into you, not mentally healthy, whatever it is. It isn’t worth your mental health. Move on! Good luck.”
“Your intuition is nothing to ignore. Ask him if he’s cheating. If yes, then ask him if it’s with a man or woman. And unless he works at a hospital or construction… no man is showering that enthusiastically!!”
“He’s cheating in some fashion, so talk to him.”
“Talk to him about it. Definitely approach it cautiously. I dated a guy who was, but he was in complete denial. It didn’t work out with us bc I knew I was a cover up. And I knew it was going to end bad. But ultimately the relationships future depends on how you feel about it.”
“Maybe he has some mental things going on. A struggling mindset can definitely affect the erection, can cause someone to make jokes in lieu of facing the seriousness within their head, and to withdrawal from people (showering immediately for a few minutes of peace after getting home from a long day at work). Also, if he’s stressed, he could be taking the long way home to find those extra few minutes by himself. Trust me, I’ve done exactly the same stuff and I’m happily married; just battled some mental things at the time.”
“In my opinion, the most alarming part of this would be showering immediately. I get coming home and wanting a shower but that’s usually after greeting each other and such. Communication is a must. Tell him how you are feeling. Maybe start with the showering immediately. Explain how suspicious that looks and give him a chance to explain his reasoning. Maybe ask him to at least give you the first couple of minutes of his time when he comes home before rushing to bathe. It should be an easy ask if nothing’s going on…
… I just wouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet. Maybe he’s gay maybe he’s cheating Or maybe he’s just got a lot on his plate. Could be stressed or maybe y’all are in the downs of the relationship right now. Consider how long it’s been going on, what’s going on in his life, and in other aspects of you’re relationship. Maybe it’s nothing maybe it’s something. Regardless I think talking will add some clarity.”
“This happened to me once, in highschool. I liked this guy so hard, I thought he liked me a lot to. We dated for a few months, then one day. We’re at his house, hanging in his room. He jumped on his bed and the mattress showed a bit of the box spring. Right there in a neat little pile, were three male p*rn magazines. We just stared at each other once I saw them. I said “so I’m a beard huh?” And after that we were pretty alright friends. Just talk to him, if he can’t be truthful, just leave.”
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