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QUESTION: Do I have a right to be upset that my husband made a play date with another woman and her child?
“Do I have the right to be upset? My s/o and I have been together for about 7 years. Engaged for over two (damn covid made us reschedule our wedding twice so now we are going to just elope). We have one child together who is 3. We typically have a great relationship with good communication. For the last few months, our communication has been lacking. We are so busy chasing around our child and striving to be the best parents we can and doing great at it but it has taken a lot of time from “our time.”
Throw new jobs and hours in there as well. My Son was watching videos on an old phone of my fiance’s and I did the one thing I said I never would… Looked at the messages. I always said I would never do this because if I did then trust was an issue. Anyway, I did it. I found old messages between him and a woman (we will call her Laura) from August. Apparently, they met while my s/o was out with our Son playing. She gave him her number to set up a play date, which is fine with me as we welcome play dates. The thing is he NEVER told me about this. He met up with her, her Daughter, and brought my son 2 or 3 times behind my back.
Also, he initiated the first contact by texting her at 9:30 at night the day they met. While he was home with me. The day after their last meet up my Son, S/O and I went to the local park (where they met the other times) as it is our go-to place and close to home. She was there and I met her. Neither one of them told me that they met prior and knew each other. Apparently during this interaction, while I was chasing my Son and her Daughter around my S/O and she had a convo and she asked if we were together.
Later that night, she texted him that she hopes she wasn’t blunt by asking, but my husband was a “total babe,” and he replied that he was sorry if he misled her but isn’t good at navigating in those situations. They continued to text for a day or two. Nothing child-related, but he sent pics of his wine and my kids car toy we built, etc. I sat on it for a few days to ensure how I felt and wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a big deal out of nothing.
I confronted my husband, and he lied to me and said that it was one playdate, and once she showed interest, they stopped talking. I then got really hurt and told him I knew that wasn’t true cause I read the messages. Since then, we have barely spoken (other than normal parenting talk- pick up from school, dinner menu, etc.) for four days. He said he did nothing wrong, and I invaded his privacy. I am at a loss if I have the right to be angry, and if so, what to say to him to make him see it in my view. I don’t get how you can talk and meet up various times, and the convo of him being engaged never came up…especially if you were with the kids.
I am FURIOUS that it kind of seems like my husband used our child as an excuse to talk to this woman. Their convo ended with her saying that she can let him know when they are in town next, and he replied that he would ‘love to see her.’ The whole situation makes me feel so uneasy. I never had a reason not to trust him, but I just have this horrible gut feeling. I only told two friends who both have children, and they agreed they would be upset as well. I didn’t want my family to know because I don’t want them to look at him differently. He’s the most amazing Father to our Son, but I feel I need to stand my ground in this!? Please give me advice.”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“You husband lied and obviously it was more than that I don’t think he cheated but maybe he was attracted to her? Either way, he was in the wrong not you and if neither one was planning on doing anything then I find it odd he didn’t introduce you two when you ran into her at the park I would consider counseling and see if things can get back in track.”
“Also your husband may be an amazing dad and that’s wonderful but you deserve an amazing partner and total commitment and honesty so don’t let him brush this under the rug and get away with it set boundaries”
“If it was only a play date for the kids he wouldn’t be defensive or angry for any reason. I’m not saying he cheated but he is being dishonest even after you have proof and that isn’t right. He should just be upfront and honest with you about it. He should have included you in on the playdate in the first place as you could have made a new mom friend now you’re just left feeling uneasy about a woman you know nothing about because your husband’s dishonesty led you here.”
“I think there might have been a little more going on whether he was attracted to her or trying to get more out of this play date. I mean if it was just a playdate then there’s no reason why he couldn’t tell you or introduce you to her back in August.”
“He needs to remember he’s no longer single so stop behaving like one. His behavior is emotionally deficient. He doesn’t understand loyalty, commitment, respect for you. If he continues he will have to have visitation to see his son.”
“Being an amazing Dad does not equal being an amazing partner. He lied to you and then tried to flip it around. Trust your gut feeling as it more than likely is right.”
“Completely wrong about not telling you from the very beginning. Then lying about how many times they met up? He pretended to not know her when you guys met up. He created the trust issue by deception.”
“You did invade his privacy but at the same time he lied when asked about it so he never would have told you. I think deep down you knew something was going on and that’s why you let yourself do something you wouldn’t normally do. The trust is gone. You deserve someone that would never put you in this situation in the first place.”
“Bottom line is if you have nothing to hide or lie about… you don’t! There is a reason he never told you two about each other. There is a reason he met her in secret. There is a reason they both pretended to not know each other in front of you. There is a reason contact still continued. And if I was a betting person I’d say they probably still are. Your gut is spot on. Hold off on the wedding for sure and seek counseling. If he does not want to and continues being deceitful, well you know what kind of man he is.”
“There is more there. He lied and then tried to blame YOU for invading his privacy!!! The texts shouldn’t have been there to begin with. Stand your ground.”
“Red flags girl, red flags. You’ve been together that long, that behavior is unacceptable, yes there is the issue of privacy, but apparently you had good reason to feel distrustful of him. I would be dumping him.”
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