One dad is at his wit’s end after his adult daughter destroyed love letters from his late wife after she called her sibling a slur. Let’s unpack that, shall we? The Original Poster (OP) sets the scene…
“I (M51) have 3 children, 1 girl,1 boy, and one child is gender-neutral, my son Eric (M22) is the oldest, Eva (M20) is the middle child, and Charlie(17) is my youngest (I’m still very new to the whole LGBTQ+ thing so please correct me if I say something wrong). Now sadly when the children were all young (11,9,6) their mother/my wife passed away in a car accident and I’ve been raising them by myself ever since.”
“I’ll say I’m definitely not a perfect father but I’ve done the best I could to raise my children. Now Eva has always been a bit more wild than her other siblings. Even before her mother’s passing. I’ve tried everything ranging from having sit-down talks with her to putting her in therapy as well as taking parenting classes and reading books to see what I could possibly do to help. Therapy did seem to help a little bit but decided to stop soon after she turned 18.”
The OP explained how Eva still lives with him as well as Charlie as she goes to school.
“I was out getting dinner with an old high school buddy of mine when I get a panicked call from my son who had been at my house hanging out with his siblings, to summarize what he told me: he got into an argument with Eva and Charlie sided with him. Eva became very volatile and even called Charlie a slur, which is a big hell no for me, so I headed home and tried to calm everything down.”
“I told Eva I didn’t care about what they had been arguing about and that she wasn’t allowed to disrespect Charlie or Eric like that. Me and Eva ended up now being the ones to start arguing but as soon shut it down when I realized it wasn’t gonna help. I forced her to apologize and took away her car privileges until she could learn to respect her siblings. And I thought it was the end of that.”
But the OP was very wrong, unfortunately.
“The next morning after work I ended up coming home and finding scraps of papers all over, at first I didn’t get it but then soon found out that she cut up about half a dozen letters her mother had written me when I was much younger. I was LIVID, (I know it was her because I have a couple of cameras in my house.”
“I just walked into her room and told her to get out, she was smug and rolled her eyes but then I yelled “get the f*** out of my house” and she realized I was serious. She was crying and screaming but I had felt sorta numb at that point and she left with a friend of hers but now I feel like I was being too harsh but I wanna stand my ground.”
One user said:
“Alright, I’m putting this together after reading through many of the other comments, and I’ll be using info I’ve grabbed from them to help me in my rating. 1st: The original argument between Charlie and Eva occurred because she scratched their car and refused to apologize.(Edit: She hit Eric’s car, Charlie insisted that Eva apologize to their brother, Eva blew up on Charlie. I misread OP’s response to an info post below.
Honestly, I think that makes this situation even more messed up though) 2nd: Despite clearly being in the wrong Eva chose not only to forgo a simple apology but to escalate to using slurs to a minor. 3rd: Eva was aware of the security cameras. She was there the day they were put in. While destroying the letters she looked right into them. Not only did she want to hurt her father, she wanted him to know it was her who did it. I don’t often get into psychological stuff in my judgments but that’s ducked up on so many levels.
Given the reasons I’ve just stated I feel completely confident in rating OP as NTA. I was on the fence when I originally read the post (kicking a child out if always rocky AH terrain)but as I gathered more information it became abundantly clear that she should not be around her younger sibling or in that house until she gets some serious help. Which I do sincerely hope she gets.”
While another commented:
“OP, you are NTA. However, Y W B T A if you let her back into your home. Eva is being incredibly childish, vindictive, entitled, and selfish. She’s much too old to be this ungrateful and throwing tantrums. No trauma or anything else excuses her completely vile behavior.
Don’t let her back into the house until she has apologized, repaired your son‘s car, repaired your letters, and CHARLIE feels safe to have her visit. Actions should have consequences.
If you don’t set boundaries with her on this, her behavior will only get worse. This behavior will destroy her future unless she has repercussions that teach her it is wrong. Charlie should call their insurance and press charges against her if she doesn’t pay. Scratching is a car is a crime. It’s up to her if she wants to apologize and pay for repairs or get reported to the police and sued in small claims court. Get therapy for yourself. A therapist will help you set boundaries and consequences for your daughter. They will also help you see through the guilt and manipulation she uses to get her way.
Talk to Charlie and find out if Eva has been bullying them. This may not have been just one incident. Charlie may need therapy too. Give Eva a formal eviction notice and change the locks. Freeze your credit so she can’t try to open loans or credit cards in your name. She’s quite vindictive and may try to do this. Stop all financial help for her.”
What do YOU think? Be sure to comment below!
With a background in the creative and educational fields, Amelia Finefrock is freelance writer, singer-songwriter and nanny based in Chicago.
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