A daughter writes in looking for help in dealing with her toxic mother. What advice would you give her?
A member of the community asks:
“Does anyone else have a toxic mother? My mother makes sneaky remarks at my sisters and me to make us feel bad about ourselves. ESPECIALLY our bodies. She gave us coats as gifts with our names on it. Things were going fine until we were all getting ready to leave. She asked, ‘’Are you even gonna fit your coat? I get scared to give you clothes that you won’t fit them. If you don’t fit it, LOSE WEIGHT!!”
Thanks, mom. Merry Christmas to you too! I love my mom, but sometimes I just wanna slap her because of the things she says. I hope I won’t be like this when I’m her age.”
Community Advice For Daughter Dealing With A Toxic Mother
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this daughter, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The Community had a lot to say about toxic mothers. Here are a few of the responses:
“My mom had that weight obsession going and I was the one with the ‘tendency gene’ so I got all of it! I read somewhere that people project their own worries and insecurities onto others and it’s very true with my mom! She wanted to be body perfect so anytime her daughter’s gained two pounds she was there! I could go on with horror stories but the bottom line is once I became an adult I was able to control when I was there being fair to her AND ME!!! It was my mom and I’m guessing someone did the same to her once upon a time. Whoever said life is fair?!“
“I’d DRASTICALLY LIMIT my time with a toxic mother, NO ONE has the right to hurt you and denigrate you.”
“That is your MOTHER! She loves you! Don’t think of her in that way! When she remarks at you give her a joking remark back! A sweet one! Sooner or later she will stop! When she sees you remark in that way! Give her a sweet remark back and give her a hug! She will feel it and stop! Mummys may irritate you but they do it unintentionally! Remember you’re going to miss her when you get married or move away from home or even when she’s not around anymore! So make the most of your relationship with your MOTHER while she is still around! All she needs from you is love, understanding, patience, your time and most of all your hugs!“
“My mother also had a way of expressing her opinion, because we were raised to respect our elders we just brushed it off. Now that she is not with us anymore we all miss her every day!“
“My grandma was not nice and my mother decided to raise us differently. Thank heavens she did. My parents were super and very supportive.“
It can be hard to sympathize or even give good advice when you have never experienced a toxic mother. It can be hard to understand when you come from a culture where mothers say what they think and it’s not considered a toxic environment. It is very important to realize that most mothers do love their children. Many have never been taught to be different and they may not even know they are doing anything wrong or don’t even know how to be what their daughters need. The best we can do is communicate to them how you feel. If it doesn’t work try to understand her, what her childhood was like, her background. This may really help you overlook her unkind words.
On the other hand, there are mothers who shouldn’t be mothers. They are abusive in many ways and have absolutely no natural affection. In this case, avoiding them can be your only way of protecting yourself. If you are too young to get away from that environment you may need to reach out to mother-like figures. You may need to open up to someone you look up to, maybe an aunt, a teacher, or it may be a friend’s mother. This can make your childhood just a little easier.
Do you have any advice for this daughter? Leave a comment to help another mom out!
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.
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