The birds and the bees. It’s an important conversation for parents to have with their maturing children.
But for even the most assured parents, what to say and how to say it isn’t always common knowledge. And if it’s not done properly, it can leave you and your child in an awkward predicament.
That’s the last thing we want. So Mamas Uncut is here to help.
Mamas Uncut spoke with Dr. Kameelah Phillips to discuss the best way and the best time to tackle these important conversations. Dr. Phillips is a board-certified Obstetrician and Gynecologist, and also a mother of three.
During her more than a decade-long career as a practicing OBGYN in New York City, “I’ve seen a lot,” she tells Mamas Uncut. And now her goal is to help parents and kids combat the misinformation that plagues social media.
“The TikToks, the Instagrams, all of that stuff have really sort of made our job a little bit more challenging,” Dr. Phillips continued. And when it comes time to having discussions about sex and contraception, it’s important that parents know the facts.
The Talk: When and Why
As a parent, we understand how having the conversation about contraceptives and sex can be hard. It’s admitting your child is maturing.
But it could also be one of the best decisions you make as a parent and for your child. In Dr. Phillip’s experience, teens around the ages of 14 to 16 are starting to have sex.
“So it’s two years before that,” that parents should have the appropriate conversations with their kids. “We have a captive audience” at this age as well, Dr. Phillips explains, an age where they are listening to their parents rather than their peers or the internet.
“It’s important that as parents, caregivers, people who love them, we get ahead of all of that misinformation. It’s really important to get ahead of that peer group who can be really influential on our kids’ decision-making with a foundation of trust from their parents, their doctors, evidence-based medicine, options, which are always important.”
“It is a really challenging transition to think of your child morphing into like this sexual being,” Dr. Phillips told Mamas Uncut, validating parents feelings, “but acknowledging that as a normal part of life” is crucial.
So how do you make these conversations less awkward? Dr. Phillips suggests starting with the basics when your children are toddlers.
When talking with your toddlers, Dr. Phillips says to “use the correct terms for body parts all along the way.” This way “it’s not like all of a sudden your child is 16 and you’re like, ‘Okay, we’re gonna talk about penis and vagina now.’”
By being upfront and honest with your kids from the start, you’ll avoid the jump scare from cutesy to serious. Instead, “it’s a natural conversation into like, okay, now this is how those body parts are used in a respectable, agreeable, safe way,” Dr. Phillips explained.
And their pediatrician or their OBGYN can “fit in” to that conversation however the parent wishes.
Parents are “doing the right thing” by getting their child “in front of a licensed, board certified healthcare provider to help them navigate this,” Dr. Phillips assures, especially when it comes to filling in the blanks. After all, a parent doesn’t know what a parent doesn’t know.
Contraceptives: The Facts
“The big things I hear are how birth control destroys your fertility. Once you take it, you’re messing up all these systems and impacting your ability to have a family if and when you choose,” Dr. Phillips explains in terms of the misinformation she hears on social media, but that simply isn’t the case, she tells Mamas Uncut.
In fact, many “long acting reversible contraceptives” like Nexplanon are some of the safest and most effective types of birth control.
“I always tell people the best birth control is the one that you’re gonna use,” Dr. Phillips tells Mamas Uncut. “Everything else withstanding, what are you gonna use and what’s gonna be effective for you?”
“Because if I give you a pill and you are forgetful, then that’s a terrible form of birth control for you. So usually what I do is I cover everything and it’s kind of a long visit because it’s important that we get into the nitty gritty of your personality, your lifestyle; you’re a different being at 15 than you are at 39.”
And because of the misinformation that is out there, Dr. Phillips often finds herself talking most in depth about the long acting contraceptives. “They see a lot online about IUDs and how that’s scary,” she explains, but that’s because LARCs, or long-acting reversible contraceptions, like Nexplanon “aren’t getting the coverage that it needs.”
“And naturally I find that people who are just busy living their lives need something that is gonna cover them for years at a time. And that’s why we ended up spending a lot more time on the long acting contraceptives. There’s just not that much information out there about them.”
And many of these long acting contraceptives, including Nexplanon, are compatible with breastfeeding, making it an excellent choice for new moms who aren’t quite ready to grow their family again.
Their Changing Bodies:
Often kids start experiencing changes in their bodies well before contraceptives are ever a thought. And as Dr. Phillips explains, talking about those changes is also a great way to begin opening that door to honest and less-awkward conversations with kids.
“Vaginal discharge and some of the things that happen down there that they might be embarrassed to talk about is probably one thing that I think is a helpful transition.”
As Dr. Phillips continued, it’s important for girls to know that “your vagina kind of talks to you as a sign of body wellness.”
“I do find that young girls do get bacterial vaginosis (BV) and that can be very vexing for them the first time that they have it,” Dr. Phillips explained. “And they’re just like, ‘OMG, what did I do? What did I do wrong? How do I fix this?’ They’re already so self-conscious of their body.”
So discussing with girls early on about the differences between a yeast infection and BV, itching, the normalcy of body odor, and other concerns are major talking points. Especially when risk factors for bacterial vaginosis includes several “coming of age” tropes like smoking cigarettes and sex, and vaginal cleanliness.
Bottom line, Dr. Phillips says it’s “normalizing these conversations” that help keep the misinformation at bay. Because when “we keep the lines of communication open, they’re always just being sprinkled with education.”
Mamas Uncut is THE online place for moms. We cover the latest about motherhood, parenting, and entertainment as well – all with a mom-focused twist. So if you're looking for parenting advice from real parents, we have plenty of it, all for moms from moms, and also experts. Because, at the end of the day, our mission is focused solely on empowering moms and moms-to-be with the knowledge and answers they’re looking for in one safe space.