Mommy Cusses: 15 Funny Parenting Tweets From The Twitter Icon

Mommy Cusses, the self-proclaimed domestic hot mess of a mama, never fails to make us laugh via her Twitter account, @Mommy_Cusses. The over-sharing, swearing social media queen is navigating school zooms, tantrums, and emotional breakdowns. Thankfully, she’s letting her followers in on the madness at every turn.

If you’re looking for a laugh from a mom who keeps it real, we have a treat for you. Our team has rounded up the most hilarious, top 15 tweets from Mommy Cusses for your enjoyment. The next time you are whisper screaming during your kiddos home school session, remember that you’re not alone and Mommy Cusses is probably somewhere tweeting about the exact same thing.

The Funniest Parenting Tweets by Mommy Cusses

Security System

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It's a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don't-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I'll try a different house. You have a good night!
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 6, 2019

The baby gate is the best home security system you’ve ever seen. We dare you to just try to get past it.

Sweet Stressors

Therapist: Any unnecessary stressors?
Me: *gestures to kids*
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 18, 2020

You want to know why I’m on edge? Let me introduce you to the little humans who are surrounding me, non-stop.

Breakdown, Popstar-Style

I motion for 4pm to be renamed "Britney Spears' 2007 Breakdown" for parents.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 16, 2020

Someone please hid the hair clippers!

Whisper Screams

Whisper-screaming at your kid to put their mic on mute during their class on Zoom so you can yell at them is the new closing your windows so the neighbors don't hear you losing your shit.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 10, 2020

Whisper screaming during a Zoom mute is truly a sign of the times.

Netflix and Chillin’

Murder mysteries in our sweatpanants with the thigh holes and talking shit is the Millennial mom's "Netflix and chill."
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 26, 2020

Please let us relax and attempt to solve murder mysteries in our sweats.

Super Spreaders

Me: As your teacher, I request that you stay at least 3 feet away from me at all times.
My toddler: *sneezes directly into my eyeballs*
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 7, 2020

Teaching is a filthy business. Bless you.

Google Goodnights

An "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" for new parents called, "Oh, the Weird Shit You'll Google While Hanging Off the Side of the Mattress so Your Screen Doesn't Wake Up the Baby!"
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 22, 2020

What’s the last Google rabbit-hole that you went down while hanging off the side of the bed?

All or Nothing

As a mom, I will either chain-text you paragraphs of word vomit or completely ghost you for weeks on end. There is no in-between.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 17, 2020

Either you’re going to get my entire life story or I’ll leave you on read for three months.

Barely Hanging On

At any given time of the day, my last nerve can be seen clinging to the edge of a cliff screaming, "SCAR! BROTHER!"
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 17, 2020

It takes everything we have just to hang on, mamas.

Good Intentions

Me at 1 a.m.: *reading an article on how to not scream at your kids*
Me, 30 minutes after the kids wake up: I WANT TO KNOW HOW THE FUCK THIS HAPPENED, WHEN THE FUCK, WHY THE FUCK, AND WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 4, 2020

Taking calming breaths sounds nice, but have you met my kids?

Permission Granted

"I'll allow it" is my attitude towards basically everything right now.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 29, 2020

This is not the time for enforcing all of the rules.

Get the Shovel

Gonna do a fun hands-on activity and let the kids bury my tired, bedraggled ass in the backyard.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 28, 2020

It should entertain them for at least an hour.

Educational Meltdown

*locks my toddler outside while she throws a tantrum* is this Montessori?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 28, 2020

We’re pretty sure she is learning resilience.

Oregon Trail: Parent Edition

The way I'd die in Oregon Trail: Parent Edition would be from my child's fucking mouth noises.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 26, 2020

At least dysentery is no longer a threat!

IDGAF

Choosing my character every day:
– Unshowered, "IDGAF" mom pouring cereal for dinner, bumping hip-hop
– Showered, makeupped, "on top of things" mom, cooks, feels emo, listens to rock from earbuds
– Washed pits, tits, underbits, productive, "fun" mom. Orders pizza, day-drinks
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 23, 2020

Which mom will you be today?

Contents

1 The Funniest Parenting Tweets by Mommy Cusses

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