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QUESTION: I Want to Bond with My Daughter and New Granddaughter But She Won’t Bring the Baby to My House: Advice?
“Hi, I’m writing because my 20-year-old daughter just had a baby on February 5th. She lives with her boyfriend and his parents right next door to me. How convenient, right?
She won’t bring the baby to my house because she says it is too cold to walk her over. I have no problems with her boyfriend or his family, but I’m not comfortable being myself over there, so I’ve seen my granddaughter once. Before she was born, my daughter and I were making plans that she would come over while her boyfriend’s friend is at work. I told her we could hang out a bond with the baby. I even made a nursery with a twin-size bed for my daughter.
I told her she could rest while she’s here and take a break. All the support new moms wish they had I’m able to give to her. I’ve been crying for two days. I’m missing this bonding time with both my daughter and granddaughter. And what I don’t understand is she bought size one diapers and 0-3 months clothes.
Why do that if you weren’t going to let her over to my house? I even offered to drive into their driveway so she didn’t have to walk the 30 feet to my house. What do I do besides wait? Please post anonymously, thank you.”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“She just had a baby a week ago… Maybe she needs rest and time for herself with her baby.”
“She is a new mom. You want to bond, suck it up and go over there. This is about her comfort, not yours.”
“I think you should make the effort and just go there until she wants to walk over. She’s a new mom and has other things going on and is probably more comfortable there with all her things she needs.”
“While I understand the whole comfort level issue when going over there, what is more important: your comfort level or spending time with your daughter & grandchild? Once you ask yourself that, maybe it will help give clarity on the situation. Good luck!”
“As a daughter who’s mom never came to my house when she lived close, you need to go to her. My mother always said I needed to come to her, she was busy or tired or doing other things and didn’t have the free time or energy to come over. No matter how far or close I’ve lived from her, she rarely visits and makes it known how much she’d rather be at her own house. It’s a pride thing you need to move past and go to her. The support new moms need is for ppl to make less work on them, not set up a space somewhere other than their own home.”
“Seriously!? She just had the baby and if she doesn’t want to take her child out in the cold she doesn’t have to nor does she have to explain. You cried for two days… why? All YOU had to do was walk next door and see her, she’s not keeping you from the baby you are. You’re acting as if this is so hurtful because bonding with the baby means so much… well, if your feelings are that strong about seeing and bonding with your grand baby, nothing would stop you from seeing her including feeling uncomfortable. You say you want to give her the support new moms need, but it sounds like only on your terms. It’s not about you!”
“Ask her to let you know a good time to visit. If she doesn’t feel comfortable due to COVID, don’t try to pressure her. She’s recovering from giving birth and her baby is just figuring out the world. They are both figuring things out and it would be easier to meet them where they are. This. Is. Not. About. You. FWIW, I didn’t leave the house except to go to the pediatrician/obstetrician for the first month of my son’s life.”
“You’re not missing out on a relationship with your daughter and her baby, you are CHOOSING to miss out.”
“You go over to where she lives and feels most comfortable. She’s the one that’s just had a baby… So you need to support her in whichever way makes her feel most comfortable and at ease. Seems like a no brainer, especially if you have no issue with the people she lives with.”
“Don’t be selfish. It’s not about you. Her baby, her rules, her schedule. The baby is 9 days old FFS. she could still be in pain. She could be enjoying the first few weeks with her baby. It’s not about you.”
“Wow. My MIL drove 5 hours to come see my kids when they were born! You won’t go over because you don’t feel yourself there? That sounds like you’re controlling to be honest.”
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