(Trigger Warning: This article talks about miscarriage and may be emotionally triggering for those who have endured pregnancy loss.)
Hilaria Baldwin is opening up about the heartbreak she experienced after her most recent miscarriage. In a raw essay for Glamour, the mom and wife of Alec Baldwin shared the pain she felt after losing her unborn child in November, four months into her pregnancy.
Baldwin began, writing, “At four months (16 weeks), I went in for my regularly scheduled scan. As soon as the sonogram image appeared on the screen, I saw that my baby had died. There was no movement, no heartbeat. She was crumpled up, lifeless in my womb.”
As Baldwin subtly revealed, she and Alec were expecting a baby girl. As the mom wrote on Instagram in November 2019, when she first shared the heartbreaking news with her followers, she told her daughter, Carmen, that “this baby isn’t going to come after all…but we will try very hard to give her a little sister another time.”
Hilaria Baldwin Holds Nothing Back in Op-ed About Her Miscarriages
“I began to cry. The doctor told me to hold still as she tried to figure out what had happened. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I can’t remember much except that I got dressed, thanked everyone for their care, and asked for permission to go. I just began walking,” the mom of four continued.
The Mom Brain podcast host went on to explain the state of shock that she found herself in after receiving the tragic news. “I got in a cab at some point, making calls, scheduling a follow-up [dilation and evacuation surgery] and canceling work accordingly.”
Baldwin added, “I felt like I was in shock. I went into this appointment excited to see her and share pictures with my family and friends; I left needing to tell them all that she had died. It was a surreal turn of events.”
Months before the miscarriage she experienced in November, Hilaria was also open about the fact that she first miscarried back in April.
“In contrast to my spring pregnancy, this baby had a strong heartbeat. We were excitedly making plans — Carmen was setting aside her old clothes, and Alec and I dreamed about what it would be like to have a girl again after so many boys.”
The fitness instructor goes on to say that the pain of her second miscarriage was unlike anything she’d ever experienced.
“Even though I’d had a miscarriage before, I don’t think I could have fathomed how bad it could feel to have a miscarriage at 16 weeks. I had to go home and sleep with my dead baby inside me. I felt sick, sour in my belly, and so devastated. I kept waking up and thinking it must have all been a very vivid bad dream.”
The mom of four admitted that she “cried so much that my eyes were nearly swollen shut.” Baldwin wrote that she “didn’t know the body could make so many tears. This was a pain that I had never experienced before, and it felt suffocating.”
Then, in a truly relatable moment, Hilaria goes on to say that as women and mothers, we tend to blame ourselves when things go wrong. However, in those times of grief, it is imperative for women to be their own advocate and know that they “deserved to heal and to be happy again.”
“As a woman, in charge of housing and growing a baby, it’s easy to feel guilty — as if you did something wrong to cause the miscarriage, no matter how many doctors tell you that’s not the case. Sometimes it’s easier to make ourselves the enemy, to blame ourselves than it is to accept support and care.”
And part of Baldwin’s healing process was the ability to speak openly and freely about her miscarriage. As she wrote, women are taught to remain silent during the early stages of their pregnancy, and through “pain and confusion” of miscarriage. But as the mom wrote, “Reaching out to a support system is vital to our mental health and well-being.”
She then asked, “It’s 2020—why can’t we leave those fears in the past,” before adding, “However you process, do it with no shame and remember that you are not alone.”
Katie Nave is a freelance writer, producer, and mama living in Brooklyn, New York. Driven by her passion for storytelling, she is always seeking opportunities to elevate people who are working to better the world around them.