A wife writes in looking for some direction and thoughts from the community members on what she should do regarding her husband’s affair and whether he should let her husband know.
A Community Member asks:
“Hi, if you could anonymously post my question below about how to handle the aftermath of an emotional affair, I would REALLY appreciate it! I’m in a tough spot, and the folks on this page are awesome about giving straightforward advice. Thank you so much!!
My husband had an emotional affair with a woman online. They never met, but before he ended it, they were talking about leaving their respective spouses and starting a life together. She was encouraging him to leave and divorce me while claiming she was extremely unhappy in her own marriage. We are in therapy addressing why he felt the need to do this, and it’s too soon to say what the outcome will be for us, but it’s done him a lot of good.
He is extremely remorseful and has been completely transparent about what was said and shared with her. One thing that really seems to bother him is he doesn’t think her husband even has a clue she was getting ready to leave him. When my husband changed his mind, she, of course, was angry. In her mind, it was my fault even though he was the one begging for a second chance. It’s been about five months, and we’re continuing counseling as it’s really helping us both. I suspect it’ll be something we’ll need to continue for some time if we truly want to heal and rebuild.
The biggest hang-up seems to be the guilt my husband feels over the fact that while he came clean on his own, his emotional affair partner’s husband doesn’t have a clue about what happened. My husband just feels he deserves to know. He won’t do it unless I give my blessing, and I’ve been hesitant because they have children. I just don’t want to cause pain to people that don’t deserve it. My own kids are too young to understand what exactly happened, but they know mom and dad had some things to work out.
On the other hand, I know if it were ME, I would want to be told. Our therapist is supportive of my husband reaching out to him, so I am the only holdout. Can you ladies give me some insight? Understandably I know I’ll get a lot of comments telling me to send my husband packing. I did for a time, and that’s still not off the table should he show me he’s not genuine about wanting to work on him, us, and our marriage.
Before I give up on what has been 12 amazing years of marriage, I want to be able to say I did everything to keep my family together. The mess of the other innocent people involved is where I feel hesitant. I shouldn’t care, but I do… even though I 100% agree that the husband should at least know. I think I know the answer already, but it would just really help me to be able to hear from others that may have been through something like this. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your opinions.“
Community Advice for the Wife That Is Looking to Cope With Her Husbands Emotional Affair
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community really came through for this wife. You can read some of their thoughts below.
“I think an emotional affair is far worse than a sexual affair. He obviously is seeking something outside of your marriage. It will happen again! Why is he so concerned about her husband finding out. He should only be concerned about repairing your broken marriage. I suggest you go to a different therapist in order for you to sort out whether you want to stay in a marriage where you will always be looking for signs that he is doing it again!“
“I’ve been down this road so I’m trying to not make assumptions based on this short paragraph but maybe you should explore Why he wants to tell the husband so badly? My husband also came clean on his own and felt really bad for the husband. The difference was he wasn’t really hung up on trying to tell him because he didn’t want to give the wife any ammo for more drama so to speak, but she was very persistent about wanting my husband to change his mind.”
“I would go with your gut and worry more about the “whys” behind this happening because that’s where you’re going to fix your marriage, if possible, not by dragging up what happened 5 months ago and reliving it all over again. Good luck.“
“I don’t agree with half of these people.. I’d want to know. Because if I found out the wrong way and wasn’t told that’s gonna piss me off even more. It’s still cheating. She was gonna leave him, or if my husband was gonna leave me. I’d want the other person to tell me if he didn’t. It’s respectful. That’s just my opinion.”
“Maybe I’m paranoid but my first thoughts would be what if the other couple split after he finds out. Would your husband leave you for her? To be honest I think that the other man deserves to know and it’s a great way of testing your husband’s newfound loyalty.“
“He may need to do that to keep moving forward. I agree with I’d want someone to tell me if my SO did that. He does have a right to know and if your husband needs that to help with any lingering guilt he has I say let him do what he needs to do.”
I have to agree with the majority of the community comments. He should not be worried about her or her husband, he needs to focus just on his part and fixing his relationship with you and your family. I know that it will take time for you to heal and it has to be on your terms. The choices you make are what you have to live with so don’t do what others tell you to do, just do what you feel you need to in order to repair your relationship.
I am just very sorry that you have to go through this and I am so glad that you enjoy the Mamas Uncut Community and feel like you can reach out to us for help. I am sure I can speak for the group and send you a very big hug.
Do you have any advice for this mom? Leave a comment to help another mom out!
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.
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