A mother writes in looking for advice on how to end the arguments with her boyfriend about helping out more financially for their infant and baby on the way. She feels he gives more to his older children from a previous relationship.
A member of the community writes:
“My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. He has an 11-year-old son living with him and a 6-year-old daughter he sees every other weekend. Together we have a 7-month-old baby and another on the way. My question is: He pays $200 child support for his daughter (signed legal papers) plus always treats her to McDonalds or pizza every time he has her, so he spends $25/$30 each time.
We have argued over this topic a lot. He doesn’t pay me support, I told him to just get stuff for the baby because he was struggling financially. Not for a long time, just short term. He only ever gets one can of formula once a month ($40) and argues he sees baby, and is with him, so that should be enough. He says I always want more and more just because I’m asking him to provide a little more financially.
He says he works hard for his money and should be able to spend as he wants. It’s so frustrating because it’s like he doesn’t respect me as his girlfriend and doesn’t want to financially provide for our infant and yet he spends four times as much for his daughter. He tries to turn it on me like I’m asking too much. I’m not sure how to end this ongoing argument and make him understand he needs to equally provide for all kids, especially an infant. Please, only positive advice!”
Community Advice For A Mother That Wants More Help Financially From Her Boyfriend
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this girlfriend in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community had more questions than answers. What does the boyfriend do around the home? Does he give financially in other ways? Read some of these responses below:
“Do you live apart and all he has ever done is buy a can of formula for your child?? If so, I understand why you are upset. At the same time, know the situation won’t change esp with another baby. If you are already 100% financially providing for your baby, the same will apply with the second. You need to decide what’s best for you and your children. You really didn’t provide enough information about the situation so I don’t know if this is even the case.”
“I understand where the op is coming from. I was in the same boat. I eventually walked away. It’s easier on your own than with a man like that. My one now has baby number 6 on the way and only pays for his 2 youngest. (Not mine). Cut your losses.”
“Does he help support you and the baby in other ways? Like rent, electric, gas, etc? Because if he does that’s likely way more support than his other child’s mother is getting. I’m glad he’s got a good relationship with his other child and has fun with her when he can see her.“
“It takes more than $200 a month to pay for all a child needs some fast food is not a big deal. It does come across as being jealous. If you’re living with this man, does he pay any rent, bills for the home like cable, internet, and put food in the house of any kind, for anyone other then the baby? It seems like your focus is on what he is not doing for your baby vs what he does do overall. It’s the same kind of blindness men have about stay at home moms.”
“Let me tell you that I can see both sides if this. But my ex ruined his relationship with his kids by refusing to do anything with them that he couldn’t do with his little boy because his girlfriend said it wasn’t fair. Each relationship with each child is separate and special. Some kids get more time, some get more money, but neither of those has anything to do with love and that’s what should actually matter.“
This was a difficult question to really answer because I, like many of the responses, had questions. It is hard to give an opinion or thoughts on just one side of the story, and honestly that is all we are getting. In some circumstances, you can still give an opinion but I feel like, with this particular concern, we need more to go on.
That being said, I think the community did make some good points. It seems that for your boyfriend, being a father to his daughter that doesn’t live with him is very important and nothing can replace that time a child needs with both parents. The children that live in the same home with their parents will get so much more than those occasional trips to a restaurant. Guilt can also play a part. Your boyfriend may feel that, because he isn’t around as much, he should make it up in other ways. They may not necessarily be the right ways, but he is trying. Another point is that some fathers find it easier to bond with older children because they are easier to communicate with. This could be the case with your boyfriend.
So while I think many can relate, and even feel the pain of this type of complaint, it is just too hard to say much without knowing a little more about the goings-on in the home. Babies don’t need much beyond your affection and your time. They don’t need many things besides clothes, food, and diapers. Pick your battles. Really look at what he does for you and for the children at home without comparing them to what he does for his older children. This might help make the situation a little easier to bear.
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.
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