A wife and mother writes in looking for advice. She is pregnant with her fourth baby and she wants to leave her husband. She doesn’t want to keep the baby and is looking for advice.
A Community Member asks:
“I recently found out I am pregnant with #4. My youngest was a surprise, and it is five months. My husband is a joke, and I have wanted to leave him for years, but we already live with my family, and I have nowhere to go. This time around, I told him to pull out because I wasn’t on birth control, and he “didn’t want to” and low and behold, I’m pregnant.
I really think that abortion is my best option. We can hardly financially support the three we have, and all I can think of is all the things my older two will miss out on and all the bonding my younger won’t get from me. And I don’t think I can mentally handle another. I have not been in a good place since #3 was born. I’m afraid if I have this baby, I will resent him/her.
I have no idea how to go about getting an abortion (I am in NJ). Do I go to my ob-gyn first? My husband can’t find out. He has to think it was a miscarriage (I had one before my 1st baby). He has no respect for privacy in our relationship, and he will scream and carry on like he always does, so that my older kids and my very religious, very pro-life parents, can hear.
I understand that this is his child too, but he does NOTHING to help care for his other three kids (besides bringing home a paycheck). He sits on his ass for hours or leaves the house and drives around, so he doesn’t have to be here, while I juggle the baby, the older 2, and literally everything that needs to be done. Then listen to him tell me how I’m doing it wrong. I do not want another child with him, and he did not listen to me when I told him I would end up pregnant. I don’t know what to do.“
Community Advice for the Wife and Mother that Is Pregnant with Her 4th Baby and Wants to Leave Her Husband
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
This is, of course, a very controversial subject. Two different opinions. Do you want to know which was the side that won? You can read some of these responses below.
“I hope you find the help, and answers you need. I understand what it’s like to have to make this choice not because you’re unfeeling, or want to run wild…but because of the desperation to find a way to continue life without hurting your family. And I understood that feeling you have toward your husband as well.”
“Life shouldn’t have to be ended b/c you don’t know how to use birth control. Think about your children and the baby. Can you live your life knowing you picked which kids you wanted? There is TONS of help for women wanting to leave toxic relationships and families. Please seek help at these places instead of folding to your husband and ending your child’s life.“
“So you have known for a long time you don’t want to be with him and yet you are still being intimate with him? And now you don’t want to keep the baby? Firstly. If you are not in a good or healthy relationship with your husband. You need to do something about it. Secondly, having relations with him when you don’t want to be with him was a bad idea and irresponsible. Because yes, you can get pregnant which in your case you did.”
“Tell me whose fault is it that you are pregnant? Most definitely not the baby’s and yet your baby is the one who is going to suffer. Is that fair? No, It isn’t. And how do you know your child will ruin your life? Maybe having your child will help mend your heart because it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Before you do anything. Have a seriously good hard think about it before you do anything because you something you might regret.“
“The first point, the pull-out method is not accurate (precum can knock you up too) #2 if you were that unhappy, why are you sleeping with him? #3 there’s birth control for women, I’m sure you know this. #4 you want to lie to your husband about the pregnancy because YOU are selfish. #5 if you can’t care for your unborn child, you cant care for any of your children. #6 you basically said you are mentally unstable, maybe you should seek therapy before your other children suffer.”
This was a very hard question because I want to be neutral and not take sides. I think that a few points were made that resonated with me. If you are not happy you only have two choices, you give your all to make it work or you have to end it. Giving of yourself physically but not emotionally sends the wrong message.
While it is true that you need to do what is best for you, you must also do what is best for your children. Only you can decide what that is. No one in this community can do that for you. The group shared their thoughts and now all you can do is take what they said, consider it, and then decide. I hope that you consider your decision very carefully so that whatever you decide you feel very confident it is the right one for you and your children. We all wish you the very best.
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.