A mom writes in looking for advice and encouragement on how to deal with her children’s biological parents. They are very hurtful when they come in and out of their lives.
A Community Member asks:
“I’ve had sole custody of my ex’s son for almost 16 months out of his 2.5 years. I’ve been his stepmom since he was a month old. Long story short, my ex and I split over a year ago due to his drug use. I am not my son’s biological mother. She is an addict, as well. Both my ex and my son’s bio mom feel they can pop in and out of his life whenever they feel like it. In August, my son’s sisters came to live with us as well. The girls and my son share a Mom but different fathers. Their mom has no idea the girls are even here. She thinks they’re living with their Dad. He couldn’t financially take care of them.
I am trying my best to keep them all in a happy, safe home. Do I keep allowing their biological parents to keep popping in and out when it pleases them or do I set boundaries? The girls are teenagers and are in counseling for a good reason. All their mom does is hurt them when she does call. All my ex does is play games trying to use my son to get to me. None of their biological parents offer any kind of financial support either. My husband and I are raising six kids. Any and all advice or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Thank y’all.“
Community Advice for the Mom With Sole Custody Of Children Whose Biological Parents Are In and Out of Their Lives
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
The community members gave great advice, but also they all agree that these parents were awesome parents. You can read some of these comments below.
“Get legal custody/guardianship. Get all the proof you can of how long y’all have been taking care of them. Receipts, school paperwork, everything. And set boundaries after you get legal rights. No more popping in and out, no more drug addicts. Tell them to get clean if they wanna speak to the kids.“
“I have no words of wisdom, I just want to tell you that you and your husband are amazing human beings.“
“It sounds like you need to go to talk to a lawyer unless I’m missing something because I don’t know how you have custody of a child that isn’t yours and their parent thinks they’re somewhere and they aren’t. I think you could get in trouble for that. I don’t know, the court system is screwed up, but I wouldn’t want you to end up facing any charges or anything else if the parents ended up turning it around and taking you to court but again, this isn’t the entire story and I know I’m not a lawyer but I’d definitely suggest getting professional advice.“
“Set boundaries. Having their so-called parents in and out of their lives will only confuse them. And they will wonder what they did wrong. Why don’t my parents want me? Please don’t let that happen.“
“A similar thing happened to me. For the safety and well being of the Children, I reached out to Children social services for help. I let them know right away that I wanted to help and keep the Children safe in my home but their parents had essentially abandoned them with no communication. CSS allowed me to keep the children while bringing the children into the ‘system’. Within a few weeks, CSS set up a Court date for the children. After they were medically assessed and I was assigned as there ‘foster’ parent...
… The judge ruled for the children to start receiving medical insurance through the county and assigned them, lawyers. I was also given a monthly allowance to help with the children. CSS then requested to see the children’s parents to set them up for ‘family reunification’. In my circumstance, the parents never came back and I ended up adopting the girl. If the parents want the child back, they then need to go through the CSS office for all visitations, while also going to any mandated classes (AA, Drug, Anger counseling’s). Which the county pays for...
… The parent doesn’t have to pay for the classes, they simply have to show up. (They need to work to get their kids back) But ultimately, the county will strive to save the family, if that doesn’t happen, then the court will set the child’s Life Plan for adoption. Now, there are a lot of different scenarios but this is the most direct.“
The community family all agreed on how great you were to take on these children and their parents. It was also recommended to get legal guardianship of all the children so that you can then dictate how their parents can contact them.
From the information you shared, it seems like you may already have legal guardianship. But if you don’t, I would definitely agree that you should get a lawyer and get the legal part of it completed so that you can then make the decisions on how your children can see their biological parents.
If you do have legal guardianship I would talk with the girls and find out what they want. Despite the bad influence, the parents may have, you don’t want it to seem that you just don’t want them to see their parents. They could see it as selfish on your part rather than as a protection for them. Your son seems very young so keeping him from his father at the moment might be the best for him.
I just have to make the disclosure that all of these suggestions are from a non-legal/professional standpoint so you really need to talk with someone that specializes in this kind of thing. You mentioned that the girls are in therapy so it might be a good idea to speak with the therapist and get their opinion since it’s from a professional. I agree with everyone else though, that you are doing a great job in providing a protective environment for these children.
Do you have any advice for this mom? Leave a comment to help another mom out!
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Dawn Onye is a Certified Lactation Counselor. With this certification comes education and her own experience helping mothers and babies with breastfeeding. With her CLC, she is required to keep herself up to date on the research studies, conferences, and training related to breastfeeding. She chose this field not just because she is an advocate for the benefits of breastfeeding, but because she sincerely loves working with mothers and babies. Her mission is not to push breastfeeding on all mothers and babies, but to help all mothers reach the goals they have and to provide the expertise for them to do so. The most important thing in life is to do what is best for your family without judgment from others.
Dawn is also a wife and a mother. She has four children ranging from 12 to 19 years old. She can help many families with tips and tricks she has learned along the way. She loves to read and write. Her favorite seasons are spring and fall, although she does enjoy summers while spending time with her family. There has been no greater accomplishment in life for her than being a mother.
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