My Infertility Is Causing Me to Experience Depression, Particularly in Relation to My Mom Friends: Advice?

A woman writes in asking for advice about infertility and depression. The OP says she is infertile, and it has recently been causing her to experience depression. She specifically mentions that her friends sometimes have “mom nights” and do not invite the OP because she is not a mom. She adds that it feels like no one, even her supposed friends, understands or cares about how lonely and sad she feels. She turns to our community of moms for advice about how to cope.

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A member of the community asks:

“If you have infertility, how do you deal with depression?”

“How do infertile women deal with the depression, especially when your friends have ‘mom nights,’* and you’re not invited? It seems no one knows nor cares how lonely this journey is.”

– Mamas Uncut Community Member

Community Advice for This Woman Whose Infertility Is Causing Her to Experience Depression

To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this woman in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.

Fan QuestionIf you have infertility, how do you deal with depression?How do infertile women deal with the…

Posted by Mamas Uncut on Monday, August 31, 2020

Advice Summary

my infertility is causing me to experience depression, particularly in relation to my mom friends: advice?

The community offered this woman in need a lot of great advice. Read some of their responses below.

“I had a bit of a down spell when my husband and I struggled and then miscarried. But I found solace in others’ happiness. I was so ridiculously happy for my friends who had their babies. And I celebrated with them and for them. Like it’s the same idea that if I could never get a job at a company that I wanted but my best friend did. I’d be happy for her and help her celebrate and live vicariously through her. This is easier said than done and takes some time to change your mindset, but it is possible and it’s what you need to do to help get yourself out of that funk…

… Celebrate the things that you do have, not what you don’t, and find solutions for things you want to change. If you’re unable to carry, then look into adoption and make that your goal. Start saving, start planning, and looking and researching. Put as much work into the other options as you would into trying to conceive. It’s hard and won’t happen overnight but with some counseling and positive mind training, you’ll get there.”

“I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. When something is heavy on my heart I start immediately thinking of possible solutions and alternatives. Adoption, surrogacy, fostering? Nothing can replace having your own child, but finding joy in other children is still possible! Be a teacher, work at a daycare, etc. Again. I can’t imagine how you feel. Your journey may not be what you imagined, but it can still be fulfilling and full of happiness.”

“Adopt. There are so many kids out there that deserve a loving forever home. Just a thought.”

“I’m sure there are support groups for those struggling with infertility and maybe even local in your area.”

“I wouldn’t know as I’m not in the same boat as you, but be that one full-on cool aunt that spends time with the kids. Love them like you would your own, and when they are old enough, have them for the night so mum and dad can have some time together you will find that you will love them just as much as you would if they were your own…

… I was a stepmum before I became a mum, and I still love her the same as my daughter. You could always ask your sister if she would have a baby for you. If you don’t have one then maybe one of your friends or maybe even pour all your love into a cat or dog. Same kind of love and affection. I hope everything works out for you.”

Sounds like you need better, more supportive friends. If I were you, I’d try to embrace the things you CAN do because you don’t have children other than focusing on what you CAN’T do. I know easier said than done, but I find myself getting jealous of friends that can go on impromptu vacations or go out with friends and do adult stuff. You can be selfish when you don’t have children.”

“If your ‘friends’ are leaving you out, then find better friends who support you. As for the depression, it’s a good idea to find a therapist to help you work through the depression and treat it properly. Sometimes medication is needed to get us through the hard times.”

Do you have any advice for this woman? Leave a comment to help her out!

Over on the Answers by Mamas Uncut forum, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers.

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