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QUESTION: I Want a Job to Get Out of the House and Feel Like a Human Again, But My Husband Refuses: Advice?
“Hubby and I have been together for ten years in July; we have four kids together. He is the only one that works, so I can stay at home with the kids.
I love my kids, and I would never want them to leave my side, but I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get out of this house or at least have help with all four kids. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him; I told him I want a job. He says if I get a job, then I have to pay for all the child care.
I don’t see that it’s only my responsibility to pay for the child care, but he says that’s the only way it works if I had a job. His family owns a local restaurant, and that’s where he has been since he was 16 (now 31); I said something about me working one shift and him working the other, and that idea was instantly shot down.
I just want out of the house for a little while a day and to actually get to be an adult not just mommy. What do I need to do? I’m tired of feeling bad because I want to get out of the house.”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“I’m gonna be the odd one out on here probably. But if all of your other bills are paid with his income, why wouldn’t it be reasonable for him to ask that you cover the childcare? I truly understand the need to get out of the house and have adult time when you have 4 kids. Do you have anyone to watch them for the day or a youth program like the boys and girls club so you can have a few hours to yourself when needed?”
“You can leave the house because you are a grown woman or he can see his kids every other weekend because you left the house for good. Sounds extremely overbearing and manipulating you to think BOTH OF Y’ALL’S KIDS are your responsibility. Whether that’s paying for someone else to care for them or you sitting at home with them taking care of them. You are an adult. Stand your ground or walk away from his.”
“Am I the only one that sees this as a way of him controlling her? See if you qualify for any assistance with childcare and some daycares also offer assistance as well. This lady clearly needs a break and instead of saying I want to go get my nails done I want to go shopping by myself she’s saying she wants a job to make some money… How can anybody knock that?…
… Now I do agree that if you’re going to put the kids in daycare and have to pay fully for it you should be making more to cover the cost of daycare and have extra for yourself. You definitely don’t want to put them in daycare and work if it’s costing you money. but as your husband, the responsibility falls on BOTH of you. Also, it seems kind of shady that his parents own a restaurant but you’re not allowed to work there. I think it would be a good idea for you to slowly set money aside even if it’s $5 at a time in case you feel you need to leave at some point.”
“When he gets home from work, go out and get out of the house for a little while. If he doesn’t want you working, then he’ll have to put up with you being out of the house for fun.”
“Welllll….. you go ahead and get you a job on a different shift then him and when it comes time for you to go to work, GOOOO! they are his children too. He’ll either grow up and be a parent while you’re at work or he’ll pay for childcare it’s a win, win for you.”
“Here’s what you say: ‘B**ch, I’m getting a job, and WE will pay for childcare with OUR money. If you didn’t want to pay for these kids you should have wrapped that d**k up, and if you don’t want to volunteer to pay for childcare while I work, I can file for divorce and I’m quite sure the judge would be happy to just take it straight out your paycheck.'”
“There’s so much more to this than you wanting a job. It sounds like you get no time to yourself. Sounds like you can’t go out with friends. Sounds like all you do is take care of your kids and husband and that’s it, and that’s not how it should be. If you can’t get a job, one day a week when your husband is off you need to go out by yourself or with friends. You need time away. It is not only your responsibility to pay for childcare. You don’t have to stay home even though you can…
… Yes, it’s a great thing to stay home with your kids. However, it’s NOT a necessity anymore. Does he allow you access to the money he makes? If he doesn’t, you need to demand access. It doesn’t matter if he’s the one that works, if it was the opposite he would expect money from you. There are so many things to advise you on but don’t listen to the ones that say you should stay home and forget your feelings, or the ones that say it’s your responsibility to pay for childcare. They just wish they could stay home with their kids.”
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