I Just Found Out the Father of My Son: Do I Tell Him?

I Just Found Out That My Old Friend Is the Father of My 11-Year-Old, And I Don’t Know How to Tell Him Without Ruining His Family: Advice?

A mom writes in asking for advice. She just found out who the father of her son is and wonders what to do next. The father has a family of his own already since this was a long time ago, back when they were teenagers. She wonders if she should tell her son or the father. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone or make a mess of things. Any advice for this mom?

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A member of the community asks:

“When I was 17, I got knocked up by a friend. We were both in other relationships, so for 11 years, I never dreamed he was the father. It just wasn’t even a possibility in my mind. We both moved on. Now he is happy with a family of his own, and we live 2200 miles apart. I recently found out through ancestry that he is indeed the father. I’m torn on what to do or how to go about it.

On the one hand, the guy is happily married with two kids. I’m a single mom now, my youngest went to live with his dad, and it’s just me and my oldest. I don’t want money; I don’t want to ruin his family. I want my son to know where he comes from. I see his wondering, and I answer his questions the best I can, but now that I actually know, I feel like a horrible person for withholding this information.

He definitely has a right to know, but I also don’t want to risk losing my only other child. What if he chooses him, a loving stay at home dad over a mom who works all the time? I feel like he has a better chance of developing a good relationship now at 12 instead of 18, but I don’t even know how to start the conversation with his dad. We haven’t talked since I was 17. He doesn’t even know about him.”

– Mamas Uncut Community Member

Community Advice for This Mom Worried About the Father

To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.

Advice Summary

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Many commenters gave thoughtful advice along with shared their personal experiences. One said, “Talk to the dad first. There’s nothing worse than being told you have a dad and he wants nothing to do with you than not having a dad at all.” Another suggested, “This is a tough one. I would leave it up to your son what he wants to do so there are no regrets.”

One commented, “I would tell the dad what he does with the information is on him and you can’t hate him for his decisions but he should know.” Another agreed, “I’d confirm that he is the father with your old friend. Once there’s a confirmation, discuss your child with him. If he decides he doesn’t want to partake in your child’s life, I’d wait to tell your son about him.”

Some gave their personal experiences when they just found out who their father was and what happened. One shared, “Girl if you are 100% proof positive then tell him now, don’t wait. I made that mistake with my son and waited until he was 16. All kinds of resentment going on up here.” Another commented, “I didn’t meet my dad until I was sixteen. It was a similar situation. Tell your son. Be upfront. Tell the father. Explain you don’t want anything from him, but give him a chance. I’m building a great relationship with my dad now as an adult and it’s an amazing feeling.”

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