how can i cope with the fact that my husband had an emotional affair?

How Do You Tell Your Husband of 10 Years That You No Longer Love Him?

A mom writes in asking for advice: How can she tell her husband of 10 years that she no longer wants to be with him?

Over on the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers. Let’s hear from the community!

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A member of the community asks:

How do you tell your husband of almost 10 years that you don’t love him anymore?

I’ve been struggling with this for awhile now, and I know it’s better to say it sooner rather than later. I’m not cheating and neither is he. The spark just isn’t there anymore, and I feel more like a roommate than a wife. I’m tired of asking for help with things only for it to fall on deaf ears.

Any encouraging words to make this easier would be great. Thank you.

Mamas Uncut Community Member

Let’s see what the community had to say.

Just Be Honest

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“Just say it the way you just wrote it. You’ve said it perfectly.”

“Just be honest with him and maybe seek a marriage counseling session unless you’re absolutely sure. A lot of married couples go through times like this; you have to do things to keep the spark alive.”

“Sometimes instead of growing together, people grow apart. Dating each other again as a way of rekindling what you once had is an option if you aren’t ready to move on. But if it’s the case that you are ready, just be honest about the things that pushed you two apart. There will always be times when routine becomes the norm, excitement is put on the back burner, and resentment will try to grow. If both parties don’t do whatever is needed to stop it, it’ll smother your spark. And if it’s one-sided, it’s not a relationship.”

Open a Dialogue With Him

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“No easy way to admit this… But have you bluntly told him that you both need to rekindle this or go your separate ways? He might feel the same or he might wake up and you both can try. 10 years is a lot, but it takes two to keep a relationship going.”

“You need to sit down and tell him you need to talk about some things. Then be honest with him and tell him your feelings. I think what has happened is the spark between you two has gone out. You need to do date nights, dinner dates, go away, and, as I call it, have a “loving weekend.” Sharing is so important with couples, the good and bad talks. Helping each other with everything is too. Love has to be worked at.”

Before You Decide to Leave Him…

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“Remember the reason you fell in love…”

“Every relationship goes through an ebb and flow, try doing something like, write him a love note every day for a month, or write down 3 things he did right each day for a month! Marriage isn’t always easy but it’s worth it.”

“I’m just going to say, marriage is HAR and it’s not just about being “in love.” I’ve been married 17 years. Some years we LOVE one another, some years we highly dislike one another… but we keep it together because that’s what a real marriage does (IF no abuse/cheating, etc.). We have parents who depend on us, kids who still need their parents, 4 dogs, a mortgage, a new grandson, and honestly, my marriage is what keeps me grounded, even on the worst days. And YES this year, we have lived like roommates, no sex in almost a year as well, but it’s OK, IT’S LIFE, it happens… we took notice, went away for 2 weeks together & reconnected. It’s not perfect, but it’s OURS, and it’s safe, & while we are not “wealthy” it’s our “Empire.” Try counseling, try a trip away, try date nights, reestablish the home routine, the marriage routine, try something new (dance class, cooking class, working out) that’s JUST you & him. 10 years is a “hump,” don’t throw it away yet because the grass is not always greener on the single side.”

“Sounds like you two need a romantic getaway to see if you can reconnect. Try opening up and letting him in.”

“I’d try to rekindle if I were you. If that’s the only issue.”

“No easy way, but think before you do. If you’re done, you’re done, but make an effort to change the situation first. Try taking time together doing things you did when you were in love. I’m saying this because after 25 years of marriage, 2 grown daughters, and grandbabies, I decided I wasn’t in love with my husband anymore and moved out. After a couple of years, I realized I made a mistake, but he had a new girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. It took us almost 7 years to realize we do love each other and no one can take the other person’s place. We just forgot to show each other that we were still in love. Happily, we are remarried and doing better than we ever were… Please, before you leave, take this old woman’s advice. Try, and if that doesn’t work, try harder. Sit and talk to him explain your feelings, then together decide, but try first. Go on dates, romance each other, do things you did when you were in love.”

In Conclusion

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Most commenters urge the OP to give the relationship another shot by forcing an injection of romance in an attempt to recapture the spark. Without knowing just how “done” with the relationship the OP is, we can’t say whether that’s a good idea or a futile one. So to be safe, we’ll say, sure, it’s worth a shot. Plenty of couples lose themselves in their daily routines after being married for a long time and after having kids. You do sometimes have to work to get back to the core of your relationship. It also would not hurt to see a marriage counselor, who can help you both through, whatever course of action you may take.

OP, if you are certain you no longer want to be in this relationship, honesty is the best course of action.

We wish you the best of luck, mama!

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