A mom writes in asking for advice. Despite not feeling ready to become a mom for the second time, she recently learned she was pregnant. Sadly, after several doctor’s appointments, she learned that the pregnancy was not viable, and she has been given three options by doctors. The Mamas Uncut community rushed in with some great advice.
Over on the Mamas Uncut Facebook page, our robust community of moms is always having a conversation about topics that matter. We like to highlight those conversations from time to time. Important mom questions. Thoughtful mom answers. Let’s hear from the community!
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A member of the community asks:
Hello ladies. 3 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant for the second time. My son is 18 months old, and I didn’t think I was ready to do this again, but it may have been just nerves.
Well I went in at 5 1/2 weeks for a blood test and ultrasound. The doctors found the sac but said at that time there will not be a heart but that they would check in a week later when the heart starts beating around 6 weeks. So I went back for another ultrasound at 7 weeks and they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
This to me was the worst news I’d ever received. I went to another ultrasound place for a second and then third opinion within that week, and by the time I would have been 8 weeks there was still nothing.
So they gave me three choices: 1) To allow my body to pass it on its own, 2) to allow medical assistance, or 3) to follow through with a D&C. I’m getting curious if anybody else had these choices and what you did. How did you cope with the loss?
My boyfriend of 3 years does not want to talk about it at all or tell anyone. I’m not ready to tell his side of the family nor mine. I wasn’t ready to parent again, but I had time to prepare. I’m just sad because I felt she would have been a girl and I didn’t get that chance.– Mamas Uncut Community Member
Advice and Support From the Moms Who’ve Been Through This Type of Miscarriage
Community members responded to this question with their typical empathy and heartwarming support. There really is no good advice to give in a situation like this, but many moms have been through it. Here is what they had to say.
“Allow your body to pass it and try again in a few months. I don’t know what to tell you about coping because I’m pregnant for the second time but it’s my first successful pregnancy and I still get torn up about losing my first even though it wasn’t planned.”
“Honestly I’d wait till at least 9 weeks. When my son and his girlfriend lost their baby they were told you could be off by up to two weeks. They said you should not make any choices until at least then. Have they checked your HCG levels? They should have checked them, then checked them again 3 days later.”
“I am sorry for your loss. I went thru a miscarriage with my 3rd pregnancy. I was supposed to be 9 weeks and my baby measured 7w 6d… I chose to let my baby pass naturally. It look less than a week.”
“This happened to me during my first pregnancy. I waited to see if it would pass on its own. It was very painful, like the worse period cramps imaginable. I went back in for an ultrasound and not everything passed so the doctor had to go in and get the rest. So from personal experience, I would do the D&C. Just so you can move on and heal faster. Its called a blighted ovum, I believe is what the doctor said. So an empty sac without a baby. It’s tough but the sooner you can heal the better, and try again.”
“I am so sorry you are having to go through this. If your boyfriend won’t talk, talk to someone else. There will be other chances even if it does not feel like it now. There will always be a little sense of loss over who it could have been. I lost one like this. Sometimes they just don’t get started off right. If there is definitely no doubt of loss, any of those options are ok. For some reason your body is just slow in recognizing the loss of life. Grieve as you need to. I am so sorry.”
“Please wait, I was told my son was just a sack… I decided to pass him on my own and he just turned 7 in June.”
“I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and I let my body pass it on its own and that’s what I would recommend. I’m sorry for your loss, it’s definitely not easy to cope with but you will get through this. My boyfriend also did not want to talk about it either which was hard on me luckily I had my sisters to talk to so I didn’t have to feel like I was going through it alone. I wish you and your family the best.”
I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it is very common, though I know it doesn’t help any. I think I cried for three days. They made me wait two weeks to see if it would pass. When it didn’t, I chose the D&C as it was a quick recovery and least painful. When we knew there was no baby, I just wanted to be done. Sending you prayers and strength. Also, please know I have two sweet little boys that have since come along.”
“The less medical interference, the better. Your body already knows what to do. When it’s ready, it will do what it needs to. Just give it a little time. I’ve had 3 children with 3 miscarriages also. It’s hard, but just don’t give up.”
We wish you the best of luck, mama, and we are sending you love!
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