A mom writes in asking for advice. She is unhappy in her relationship with her husband, but she can’t divorce him yet. They do not get along anymore. Now, he is controlling her and threatening to kill himself if she leaves. She has kicked him out before, but let him come back due to their kids. She doesn’t want the kids to hurt. But she is so depressed and doesn’t know what to do anymore. Any advice for this mom?
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A member of the community asks:
“I find myself losing what I once felt for my husband. We can’t seem to get along anymore unless we are having sex. I am no longer happy. I feel so unappreciated and so unloved unless he wants sex. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t cook or clean, and it is like pulling teeth to get him to anything for our children or me.
Deep down I know that it would be best if I leave him but when I go to he threatens to kill himself and I do not want to see my babies hurting. I have previously thrown him out. But, I let him come back to get the rest of his stuff, and my children begged for him to stay. I cried because I was so done with him, but I didn’t want to see my babies hurt and upset, so I let him come back home and made it clear he was only allowed to come back because of the kids.
Well, a few years have passed, and for a while, it was great. He helped around the house, he helped with the kids, and he got a job. Fast forward to now, he no longer has a job; he refuses to help clean or cook and barely helps with the kids. I am at my wit’s end. We have talked about getting a divorce when we get our income taxes back and just being civil until then. But, that seems to have gone out the window.
I asked him to wash dishes while I went to the store this morning and come back and he did nothing. Seriously, not even one dish. When I got pissed about it, he proceeded to tell me that I am the lazy one, and I don’t ever do anything around the house but sleep. This is not real because everyone that knows me knows that I cook almost every single day and my house is clean before bed every day.
I cannot take it anymore. I have found myself sleeping in more than usual, and I know it is due to depression because I am not happy. The only thing that brings a sliver of happiness to my life anymore is my kids. I don’t know what I am really looking for by posting this. Maybe just some support or something. I’m so lost.”
Community Advice for This Depressed Mom
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Most advice was geared to helping the kids and doing what is best for them because when she is unhappy with her relationship, her kids feel that, so divorce is the best option. One shared, “Stay strong mama! Remember if you’re not happy, then the kids really aren’t either.” Another agreed, “It is probably worse for children to be raised seeing the unhealthy dynamic between you and husband. I would guess you get so drained from it that it must get hard to always be your best you, especially around your children.”
Others told this mom that her husband was manipulative and controlling, so she needs to leave. One said, “He’s manipulating you by saying he will kill himself and he’s using the kids to gain control over your decision, rather than trying to fix the problem. Sounds like you already know what to do. Change is hard but your happiness is worth it!” Another commented, “Him threatening to kill himself is a form of abuse and control. You deserve to make your happiness a priority. Do what’s best for you.”
Others shared suggestions on how to help her relationship. If she is so unhappy in her relationship, but can’t divorce, they gave ways to help it. One offered, “Marital counseling. If he won’t go, go alone” while another agreed, “Have you tried a therapist? Also, has he had his testosterone checked?. Maybe he is depressed himself?” One commenter said, “Kick him out and don’t allow him to get his things while your children are there. That will prevent the crying and begging. If you truly believe he would try to kill himself, call 911.”
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