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QUESTION: My grown daughter is mad she isn’t in our will but she doesn’t make an effort to be in our lives: Thoughts?
“Should grown children who move and won’t give their parents their new address or refuse to answer calls and texts be in the will and get their share of their parent’s inheritance. [Our daughter] is in her 30s and mad at us because we decided to sell the house she was living in. She was given the option to buy but didn’t financially qualify.”
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“This is really hard to judge right now with covid and everything going on. Did she lose her really good job and was forced to live with you? Did you give her much notice? Did [your daughter] have somewhere else to go? Was she paying you rent? No, personally, I would never alienate my child, because they did not like me. Imagine your mother dying and realizing that she didn’t care at all to fix your relationship, she just cut you out and the first thing she did was write you out of the will. To me, you are a mother before all other things, even when they hurt you, you still love them.”
“Personally, I don’t care what terms I’m on with my children when the day comes that I’m called home. If I have the means to help them build a better future for themselves and my grandchildren, I’m absolutely going to. Because no matter how old they get, I am still their mama & it will always be my job to take care of them. I don’t have the “I got them to 18, they aren’t my problem now” mentality. They will know how to be a functioning member of society and how to do for themselves, but they will also know that mama’s got them, no matter what, too.”
“If your daughter is not talking to you, it’s about more than selling a house. And you sound vindictive. If my grown children weren’t talking to me, I’d be more concerned with fixing that than disinheriting them.”
“I’m a firm believer that no one is entitled to anything. It’s your money/property so it should go to who you want it to go to. I couldn’t imagine selling a house out from under my kid but we don’t have the whole story here..”
“Yeah she should be in the will.. and maybe she’s hurt that you put her out in the street. Parents are supposed to be a safety net for their children, no matter how old the child gets. Writing her out of the will would leave her haunted with the thought that you really didn’t love her.”
“How long has it been since she stopped talking to you? A month? Give it more time. A year? Take her out of the will. Why leave things/money to someone that doesn’t want to be a part of your life? Even if it is cold-hearted, that’s YOUR stuff/money. People take others out of their wills all the time when the others are ungrateful/don’t deserve it. If you do take her out, if you have grandchildren I would divide it amongst them instead. Or find a really good organization to donate it to.
But to me, it’s not cold-hearted. If someone doesn’t want to be a part of your life, or at least give you their address or respond to texts, then they don’t deserve what you offer when you die. But again, how long it needs to be considered. If it’s only been a month, give her time to cool off and have a conversation with her (not about the will).”
“I’m not saying to cut her out of your will. But for those who don’t know, a will can be contested, put everything in a trust.”
“Yes. As a parent your love should be unconditional. This means you love her no matter how mad she is. You make the effort to fix things, even if you did nothing wrong. The fact that you are considering cutting her out of her will tells me a lot. You use money to hang over her head. Not okay. You make the effort.”
“I don’t know I just couldn’t see doing that to my child. Any of it actually. I’d recommend taking a walk in her shoes and figuring out why the relationship is so sour. Family ties shouldn’t be so easily severed.”
“Children, especially grown, are not entitled to anything. It’s the parents’ choice to give them something. You do as you see fit. My grandparents don’t get any help from any grandkids except me but show up for birthdays and Christmas expecting gifts. It’s sickening. Do you momma. If she made an effort to be in your life and help you and you see fit to leave her your home as a thank you, then so be it.”
“You’re more worried about changing your will then repairing your relationship? Sounds like she made the right choice.”
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